Category: God

Self Gratification and Deprecation

When it comes to self, it doesn’t matter if I focus on the self deprecation that makes others laugh or the self gratification that placates me. Both leave me empty in the long run and keep me from walking in God’s kingdom as I should. I twist and play with my hair and have for as long as I can remember. Mylah loves to play with my hair, and when I took her downstairs for her bath last night, she was delighted that my hair was down so she could run her little fingers through it. It’s even more satisfying when she twists it:)

When I found that playing with my hair was a form of self gratification, I was surprised and a little embarrassed. I knew it made me feel better, but I didn’t realize it was considered an activity similar to sucking one’s thumb. I still play with my hair, but I just don’t feel bad about it. I do take note if I start twisting because it means that something is on my mind or heart. I may just be thinking of the day before me, but I also may be hurting. That was the case when I went to bed last night.

It was an amazing day yesterday, and the warm sunshine after a week of horrific winds, water and snow was truly a gift from God. The girls and I played outside for a long time, and I also found time while they were napping to sit in the sun by the pool. Worship was wonderful last night, and the singing left my heart soaring. Mylah and Lilly were adorable in the tub as they took their little washcloths and wrapped up little toy fish and sang lullabies to them. I went to bed a very happy Gigi indeed:)

As I prayed, I started twisting my hair. I knew something on my heart that needed attention. God helped me find and face the root of my angst, and I relaxed and slept peacefully. The lesson God had for me in the hair twisting prayer was that much of our conversations are about me. It’s okay to go to God when I’m hurting, but it isn’t okay for me to be at the center of my prayers. I saw praying as the ultimate form of self gratification, and I was humbled by the lesson.

Dying to self is a painful process that leads to greater joy than any form of self gratification found on earth. Those three little concrete steps presented themselves as I left services last night, and I was taken aback when I looked down and saw the steps from my dream night before last. God amazes me when He teaches the obvious with love, and He did just that last night. The steps leading out of the church office were the steps in my dream, and they lead out of the building and into the world. I so need the filling and fellowship I get from the church body, but God gently reminded me that I need to take that filling and fellowship out into His world in a way that changes me and it.

I learned at an early age to use self deprecation to get laughs from those around me, and I still have to be mindful not to put myself down when I make mistakes or feel the need to apologize for the way I am. I am learning that who I am is who I am. God is teaching me to love myself, and Dr. Steibel reminded me that we need to love ourselves for God’s sake (Richard J. Foster and Emilie Griffin.) That was an amazing lesson during the prayer retreat that I play to remember. Self is an expression of who I am, but I have to make sure I don’t get caught up in gratifying or deprecating because that isn’t what God desires.

Praying is personal, and God loves to hear my heart. He, like all of us, doesn’t enjoy listening to a litany of self-loathing or a rehearsal of my plans and problems. He would rather our conversations be about Christ and how His Holy Spirit is working through me. He has a lot to add to that conversation if I will be still and let Him share His ideas with me:)

Whether it’s self gratification or deprecation, it still amounts to be self-centered. That keeps me from drawer nearer to God and to those in my path. Intercessory prayer is a beautiful antidote when I find myself getting too far into myself. Remembering who God is and who I am brings our conversations to a beautiful place of connectedness, and that feels better than anything I’ve ever felt:)

Two Roads….Three Sets of Steps:)

Anytime two roads diverged, I always took the more difficult one. It’s one thing that drove my daddy to distraction. He fussed and fumed from the time I was a toddler until I was grown about my propensity for the difficult. I got frustrated and lost at times as I insisted on doing things the hard way, and that was especially true when it came to praying. I made something simply beautiful into an uphill battle at times, and I would often feel as if I’d lost a heavy-weight boxing match after an intense prayer session.

I see the error of my ways, and I know daddy must be grinning from ear to ear. I’ve had several reoccurring dreams in my life. The one about the lake went away after resolving its source, but I’ve also had one involving stairs that returned this morning with a resolution of its own. In past dreams, I’ve been confronted with stairs that either go nowhere or are too frightening for me to try. There are many variations and locations, but the stairs are always at the center of the dream and are a source of fear. I’m not sure what all the dreams might mean, but I understood the one I had this morning.

The dream was very similar to the past dreams in that there were frightening stairs. There were three sets going down. The first set of steps was unstable and led to a dark room; the second set was a beautiful winding staircase, but the steps swung against the wall and collapsed completely each time I tried to step on. The third set was behind me, and I didn’t see them until I turned around in frustration. It was a simple set of three small concrete steps that led down to a paved road which was going right where I wanted to go. It wasn’t hard for me to discern the meaning of the dream. God was clearly showing me that the simple path has always been right there. My daddy tried to tell me the same thing for decades without success.

Praying is about stopping my striving and turning to God. His path is a simple one that leads where my striving isn’t able to take me. I may continue to have dreams of steps that frustrate, but something tells me I won’t be bothered with them anymore. As I got the girls to sleep this afternoon, I thought about how pleasant yesterday and today have been. I always love keeping the girls, but I am usually completely spent by Tuesday nap time. I actually feel better than I ever have and look forward to the days when I have them all day. We eat, play, and love all day long, and I believe I’m actually getting younger:)

Learning to relax has nudged me a little closer to God and given me the proper perspective when it comes to the girls. I’m taking the simple path with them rather than striving and worrying. Living, loving, and praying are better when I take the simple path. I’m finding it’s the one that leads to the praying life God has in mind for me. His ways are higher than mine because He doesn’t take the difficult path. He will go with me when I head down the steps into darkness or try to navigate a collapsing staircase, but He much prefers for me to take His steps:)

One Size Does Not Fit All:)

Prayer is very personal, and one size does not fit all. Just as we are all special, so is the way we pray. I’ve looked at models and methods my entire life in an attempt to improve my praying in the same way a diet might improve my health. Praying, like living and loving, is something we each do differently. I’m sure God is glad about that:) Otherwise, he would be inundated with impersonal rote rituals that would surely put Him to sleep. It would be like talking to a machine when you call to get help. Technology is making those standard messages a little better, but I know of few things in this world that irritate me more than having to listen to those impersonal menus with general answers that leave me shaking my head when I need more.

When it comes to praying, it is easy to get into ruts that sound like those recordings. It’s like getting forwards in your inbox instead of a personal messages. Praying is conversing with God, and I don’t have to say a thing for Him to know just what I feel. He knows my heart, but telling Him my deepest desires allows me to see and hear them. Just as talking to a trusted friend helps me hear my heart, talking to God is so much more healing. He knows me better than anyone and loves me more than I am able to grasp.

The most important element of prayer is love. The scriptures last week from 1 Corinthians 13 were about just that. Without love, it doesn’t matter if I fast and stay on my face for forty days. Love is what lifts prayers to God, and love is the foundation upon which all effective prayer rests. Loving someone is praying for them all the time. It is as involuntary as breathing. Love gives life to my prayers and is where the praying life begins. It allows me to die to selfish wants even when those wants seem to be what is right. It’s hard not to pray for all things to be made right, but I know in my heart that all things cannot be perfect. If they were, we wouldn’t learn anything while on this journey.

It is in the sufferings and hurt that I lean upon God. He is always there to get me through the darkness. If all were perfect, I would lose my yearning for His presence. That yearning is the yarn that holds my heart and this world together. Praying connects me to One who understands my heart whether hurting or happy. He cries with me and celebrates with me just as my pray partners here. That is really what prayer is all about, and I’m learning to make the connections that make this journey a praying life filled with compassion for others and a deeper love of God.

Awestruck Wonder!

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This was the view from my bedroom as I sat and talked with God this evening. I didn’t do much talking because I was too busy looking at His splendor. He takes my breath away and leaves me looking in awe at His amazing handiwork. I love the shaft of light coming through the clouds. I always refer to such light as ‘God Light,’ and it never ceases to capture my complete attention.

When it comes to praying, complete attention causes the worries of the world to dissipate. Being present is what love and praying are all about; every evening, I’m awestruck by God’s loving presence in the western sky and in the voices of the little girls scurrying about the house. I’m surrounded in a way I’ve never been before, and my heart is loving it. I believe I have always been surrounded, but I was just too preoccupied to notice. As I look at the sun preparing to set before me and hear the sweet sounds above me, I thank God for helping me get to this place. With Him all things are new each and every day. That’s true when it comes to His magnificent light display in the morning and evening, and it’s also true for my praying heart:)

Decisions, Divisions….

Life is a series of decisions that affect all those in my path. Every decision I make puts me either closer to God or further away from Him. It is impossible for me to make the right decisions without the help of the Holy Spirit. The old saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is wise indeed. Doing what I think is best isn’t the way to go. I have to listen to God and trust His Spirit when it comes to decisions. If I allow His Spirit to help me obey when I don’t understand, I will find joy and peace. Good intentions often lead to divisions as differences of opinion abound when it comes to what is right and best.

Being still for an instant before speaking or acting allows time to pray and gives God space in which to work. I have always been a go-getter and a doer, and I can get a lot done in a little time when motivated. The practice of stillness in each moment allows me to do what God has in mind. I still get much done, but those tiny prayers leave me less frazzled. God has given me many opportunities to practice that stillness this week, and I can tell a big difference in what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. That’s a big step on the path to a praying life.

One beautiful side effect of the new way of praying is the quality of my sleep. Racing thoughts are gone because they are all about plowing through the day without those still moments of prayer. The stillness before each decision takes care of them one at a time throughout the day, and the time of prayer before sleep finishes off any loose ends. I’m finding there aren’t very many left at the end of the day. I’m busier than ever, watching only a few minutes of TV each day, and more connected than ever. The images God gives are clearer without all the static, and His Word is alive in a new and beautiful way.

Decisions still divide, but the divisions are ones I need. I have the tendency to make connections that are unhealthy, but I’m finding it is much easier to connect as God desires when I practice those moments of stillness. The battle is always between what I want or what someone else wants and what God desires. Selfishness and the desire to please are powerful forces, but they do not hold a candle to God’s love. Seeing Christ’s love in each decision brings a sweet unity with Him that makes each decision a little easier. My praying is often simply saying, “I love you Lord, Thank you God, or Help me Spirit.” Simplicity is best when it comes to praying; the same is true for talking:)

A sweet sense of peace comes with each decision that brings me nearer to God. That helps me know I’m going in the right direction, and that makes this journey a joy:)

As I Live and Breathe

Prayer is so much more than I ever imagined it to be. I’ve read many wonderful books about praying by those who have beautiful connections to God. My favorite is “If You Will Ask” by Oswald Chambers, but “The Only Necessary Thing” by Henri Nouwen also touches my heart as does his “Way of the Heart.” Christ is the perfect example of a praying life. He sits at His Father’s side and prays for me without ceasing. That’s a praying life. He was able to sleep peacefully during the storms He faced while here on earth. That’s a praying life. He lived and breathed prayer, and I am beginning to understand that such a praying life comes as the result of deep love and complete trust in God.

As I listened to the wind howling and tossing objects about last night, my spirit was at peace. I let God’s love wash over me and asked His Holy Spirit to be like that wind and take all from me that wasn’t what God desired. He helped me first name that which was keeping me from Him. Judgment, anger, frustration, and selfishness were taken in His mighty rushing presence. As the wind howled, I let go of resentment and past hurts. Love doesn’t keep an accounting of wrong doing were the words I heard clearly. I agreed and felt a warm sense of peace as the furnace came on and warm air brushed my face. I smiled to think of God’s presence in every moment. Praying brings me into that presence whether it is a howling wind or a soft warm breeze.

As I live and breathe in His Spirit, I will have the cold north wind knocking me over, but I will also have the sweet warm indwelling that takes me out of myself and into the path that leads to a praying life. Dr. Sophia Steibel helped me see the importance of having a praying life as opposed to a life of prayer. Love and prayer are things I talk about very often, but living them out in the way God desires changes me in a beautiful way. Irene Padgett showed me the sweet face of a praying life filled with intercession. Ann Voskamp reminds me that I can have a Christian lingo without having a Christian life. John Tagliarini is a dear friend and prayer partner who has nudged, picked up, dusted off, and helped me see the beautiful effects of a non anxious loving presence. He helps me walk in God’s kingdom now. I thank God each day for those He places in my path to help me draw nearer to Him. Hand-in-hand is the way to walk in God’s kingdom, and the path is best traveled together.

Here’s John’s message on a praying life. I pray it blesses you as much as it blesses me:)

“A Praying Life” Dr. John Alden Tagliarini

Journey With Gigi: Path to the Praying Life:)

The praying path leads to peace. In the midst of a storm with no power, I begin the second leg of this beautiful journey. I wrote the draft for the first lesson using the candle from my Emmaus Walk in May 2010. It is appropriate to use the light from that candle because it was on that walk I first heard God’s call to pray.

My first reaction to His call was to wait and pray for the rest of the call. I’m ashamed to say that I dismissed His call as not enough. I wanted more. I needed more. I had to have something more to do. I already prayed and prayed a lot, so what kind of a call was it anyway? I must have misunderstood. How utterly ridiculous that sounded to me as I wrote it last night and as I type it now. I suppose that indicates I have learned a little since then.

Darkness is necessary in order to see the light. That was clear to me as I sat in the dark last night with pen and pad in hand writing by candlelight. I pray I always remember the importance of Christ’s light as I navigate the darkness of this world. When all is sunny and bright, I still must light a candle of prayer. In fact, it is never more important to light a candle of prayer than in the midst of the bright lights this world offers to imitate His beautiful light.

I huddled near my candle in the dark, stormy night. (I have to admit here that the comedian in me so wanted to start off with, “It was a dark and stormy night….”) I’m glad I resisted the temptation, and I know you are too:) The darkness, accompanied by harsh winds and driving rain, forced me to be still and listen. I didn’t venture back to the church for the evening meal, but I did get out my laptop and go to the podcasts and listen to “Resurrection Living” from May 2011. Pastor John and I talked about the upcoming message in 1 Corinthians 15:1-11 on resurrection, and I remembered that he had done a powerful message from 1 Peter 3 on the subject. I’m so thankful my battery lasted until I finished the message because it was just what I needed.

Here it is: “Resurrection Living” Dr. John Alden Tagliarini

In my study of 1 Corinthians 15:1-11 this week, I was shocked that some Christians don’t believe the resurrection actually took place. I can’t imagine leaving that part out of the story of Christ, but it’s done. Amazing! When I don’t live a resurrection life, I act as though I don’t believe it either. So, I won’t be tossing any rocks:) Without resurrection, Christ stays in the grave. Without faith, my praying life does the same.

The praying life is a resurrection life that provides evidence to the world that Christ is who He says He is, and His love is for all. Christ’s precious love is indeed the most precious thing on earth and in heaven. I always wonder what the angels must make of us and the way we deal with that precious gift. I let too much get in the way when it comes to hearing God’s message for me, embracing the love and forgiveness Christ offers, and letting the Holy Spirit do God’s work through me.

Since I’ve moved to the mountaintop, I haven’t had television. I have a pair of rabbit ears that help me get the closest local station with a lot of static. I only turn it on if there is bad weather coming or some big news event, and it’s a struggle to piece together the broken signal. God reminded me last night that He sometimes feels the same way when listening to my prayers:)

The lessons on praying came in the midst of a terrible storm, so I had no trouble praying, focusing, or listening to God. I was also very still which helps immensely. I pray I will have the same attention when things are bright, sunny, and filled with the busyness of my doing. That is the first and most important lesson when it comes to living a resurrection life and keeping to the path that leads to the praying life.

I’m ready to put God’s to-do list away and pray in a way that brings the sweet peace of His Holy Spirit’s indwelling. Jesus didn’t leave me alone, and that brings peace in the darkest storm. Last night, as the kids huddled together, I thought of how power outages have the tendency to pull us together. That calms the soul and lifts the spirit. I don’t know where the lessons will lead, but I do know they are off to an amazing start! Amazing what God can do with a storm, a power outage, and a little prayer candle.

The Beginning and The End

As I showed Lillyann and Mylah the book I was writing for them, I told Lilly that she could read it when she was older. She said, “Yep, when I’m your age, I can read it.” I had to smile and pray that she isn’t as slow as her Gigi when it comes to love. It’s taken me sixty years to finally “get it,” but I get it now. When it comes to love, Jesus is the beginning and the end:)

Anytime I have the Children’s Story, I know that God has a very important lesson for me. I’ve had it for two weeks and have it again on Sunday. It’s from 1 Corinthians 13, a beautiful way to end God’s “Lessons in Love.” I’ve struggled and searched for days for an object that represents love. Hearts, valentines, candy boxes, special cards and gifts from the past, little things Tyler made me when he was young just didn’t seem right. Love is in all of them, but gifts aren’t love.

I pray more intensely when I have the story because I know it’s important to get to the heart of the message and have a simple object that helps the little ones and me get God’s point. As I’ve gone in and out of my room this week, I’ve seen the object from last week’s lesson on my dresser. I threw away the picture of Jesus that was in pieces because I didn’t like to look at it, but I kept the one that showed my sweet, smiling Savior all in one piece.

Each time I passed the picture, I’ve touched it and said, “I love you!!” Last night, as I prayed once again, for God’s help with the story, I saw the smiling face of Jesus. God didn’t slap me in the back of my head, but I did smack myself on my forehead. Jesus is what love looks like because Jesus is love!! I’m glad God didn’t say, “Duh!” but I certainly did.

Since mama died three years ago, my search for love has intensified and become more of a quest than a journey. Mama was my anchor when it came to love, and when she left, my heart was disconnected. The journey has been like the ride the disciples took on the stormy sea, and my faith has been like theirs. Last night, He calmed my heart just as He calmed the turbulent waters in Galilee. Mark 4:35-40 describes that scene then and my troubled heart.

“On that day, when evening came, He said to them, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd, they took Him along with them in the boat, just as He was; and other boats were with Him. And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” NASB

Last night, Jesus looked at me with love and asked me the same question He asked His disciples. I have to admit that I felt pretty silly and was thankful for the beautiful smile that made my fears fade and my faith full:) So, Lillyann and Mylah, if you want to know what love looks like, here it is.

 Jesus Smiling

I love you both with all my heart, and I pray that your journey to find love is a beautiful one. However long it takes or wherever it leads you, may you find sweet comfort in Christ’s precious and perfect love. My love always is His promise and mine, Gigi:)

There is Nothing Without Love

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 makes it very clear what happens without love. Nothing!

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.” NASB

Without love, I am nothing. Paul makes it clear, as did Jesus before him, that love is all that truly matters in this world. Without it, nothing makes any difference. God is love, and if we don’t have the level of love He desires, all our efforts miss His mark. Paul’s description of love is a beautiful one that shows a deep love for God and for others. He implores the church at Corinth to see the point of love.

The point of loving is getting closer to God. Each time I rock Mylah to sleep, read with Lillyann, talk with a hurting friend, or participate in any act of love, I feel a connection to Christ’s heart. The smallest act of love is a thousand times better than the greatest effort done out of obligation. Whether indebted or beholden, it all amounts to less than nothing without love.

The world has replaced love with lust and obligation, and the results are obvious all around. Love begets love, and that makes a difference in me and the world. True love wants nothing in return, and that spurs me on as nothing else can.

Living with my sweet grandbabies has taken love to a new level, and I’m amazed at all they are teaching me. Whether watching them sleep or showing them ways to love one another, I grow closer to them and to God with each act of love. Living with someone allows love to manifest in the mundane, and it is in the everyday that God loves for us to love. He, nor we, need extravagant gestures. Hearts and flowers flounder, but good night kisses and morning hugs last a lifetime.

Mylah asked about mommy and daddy as she was drifting off today. I told her that mommy was at school and daddy was at work. I added that Gigi’s right here. She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, played with my hair and closed her eyes. That’s love. Lillyann snuggled next to me and whispered while she was falling asleep. I looked at her sweet, sleeping face, and my heart just melted. That’s love.

I’m learning about love from two very adept teachers. The girls love with abandon, and that’s the way we all love until we learn the world doesn’t always appreciate that kind of love. I believe in the miracle of Christ’s precious love, and I have hope for the world because it does belong to God:)

The God of Hope

Love and hope are inseparable. God’s love offers hope that leads to joy and peace beyond description. Romans 15:13 is a sweet blessing that fills my heart each time I read it.

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” NASB

Only the power of the Holy Spirit can bring the love, hope, joy, and peace of God. There are many substitutes in this world, but none compare to what God has to offer. I forget the Spirit and head out on my own sometimes and find myself lost and alone. When I am not feeling connected, I know the problem is love. I belong to the body of Christ and that means loving God and others. I can try to worship Him on my own, but it just won’t work. I can try to worship with others without loving them, but that will also fail.

Christ says this about love in Matthew 22:36-40.

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” NASB

Love isn’t negotiable and neither is being a part of His body. I am, and always will be, whether I like it or not. I can try to separate myself from other believers, but it is as futile an act as an eye deciding to take off on its own. “We are one in the bond of love” as the beautiful hymn says, and I cannot love or fully live without being connected to others.

I love being in a house filled with the sounds of love. The girls bless me each time they come running to my room to say good morning or good night. My heart is right at home here, and the lessons in love just keep getting better. This week’s have gone straight to my core and hurt deeply, but God is faithful to bless, heal, and stretch my heart a little with each lesson:)