Category: Life

Getting a Dorm Attitude

Dorms bring people together in a powerful way, and God taught me the importance of getting a dorm attitude if I am to live and love as He desires. I was working at Western Carolina University several years ago and teaching a class at UNC Asheville. I decided it would be more convenient to stay in the dorm during the week and not hassle with the hour commute twice a day. I came close to changing my mind, packing my bags and heading home on Sunday evening, but I’m glad I decided to stay.

When I arrived on campus, I felt a sense of revival and couldn’t wait to begin preparing for the week-long class. It was a beautiful summer afternoon, so I decided to unpack my things and take a long walk. This was going to work out perfectly, and I applauded my wise decision to simplify the busy week. I was pretty smug about my wisdom until I was reminded that dorm life was a unique way of living with others and nothing like the quiet life I had been living since leaving my husband.

I finished unpacking and was relaxing when company showed up at my door. The knock had an authoritative ring to it, and I was taken back to my childhood for an instant. Was I in trouble already? I opened the door, and a very young  and very surprised young lady looked past me into the room for signs of habitation. I imagine she thought a squatter had taken temporary refuge in her suite. Her living space was suddenly invaded, and she had come to get  a look at the intruder. She was probably expecting a leftover freshman from The Summit Orientation and was prepared to get rid of them. That notion quickly fled when she noticed I was older than her mother. I explained I was teaching a graduate class for the week and would be in the room for the duration. Her demeanor immediately changed when she found herself face to face with an old teacher. She sweetly explained that she wanted to meet me since we would be sharing a bathroom. I smiled and agreed that it was important to know those who share such private quarters.

When she left, I wondered what I had been thinking when I decided to stay in the dorm. I knew the skyrocketing gas prices and the long commute were at the heart of my decision, but the thirty-year gap between my experiences in dorm living was proving to be significant. Things, especially me, had obviously changed. Shortly after my conversation with my suite-mate, I heard a concerned male voice. This added a new dimension of stress as his presence make the sharing more complicated. Naturally, I had to go to the bathroom. I would just wait them out or go somewhere else. Surely, he would leave soon. Minutes stretched out, and so did my bladder. I realized I was acting like the freshman she thought me to be earlier. I smiled at my panic and realized her boyfriend had more to fear than I because he was the one squatting. I opened the door and set off to find relief.

I had prepared myself for the inevitable confrontation and was almost disappointed at the empty bathroom.  I was heading back to my room to prepare for class when a new distraction came from the neighboring suite. The community bathroom was next to my room, and a symphony of “Oh My God” permeated the air. I shook my head and seriously questioned my sanity in booking the room and wondered how long it would take me to pack and get home.

As day turned to night, I reconciled myself to the fact that I was completely surrounded by people who not only were speaking a strange dialect of my native tongue, but were also in a different time zone. I had the sinking feeling that I was not going to get much sleep. I’m not sure when human beings start to think about how much sleep they get, but I think it must be in their mid forties. Before that, we don’t think about it. Young people don’t worry at all about sleeping, and older folks seem to worry about nothing else. I realized, in the midst of my panic, there was a silver lining in all the chaos. The bathroom was sure to be free at six in the morning.

I decided to change my attitude, mostly because I was outnumbered. Besides, I doubt the the chancellor himself would have any sympathy for me. I had been working on being less rigidly attached to things and spreading telling my friends that my new attitude was making life more pleasant, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that God gave me a little hands on experience in being less rigid. Recognizing a test increases my chances of passing, and I decided I would ace this one.

Eastern philosophy proclaims that doing things you did as a child, allows you to transcend time and literally feel younger physically and mentally. The aging process not only slows down when you play hopscotch, eat an ice cream cone, or ride a bike, it actually goes backward a bit. I needed to think like and act like a college student; when in Rome, do as the Romans do. If I stopped worrying and threw myself into the dorm atmosphere, I could benefit from all the energy surrounding me. I decided to go with the flow instead of swimming upstream.

I put on some music to get me into the appropriate mood and turned up the volume. I stopped worrying about the clock, and it was great! I read, wrote, and studied to the music. It was way past my bedtime by the time I rolled into bed, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t have any trouble getting to sleep. Dorms don’t have bedtimes, and that’s what makes them so wonderful. There must be something to the mind-body connection those Eastern philosophers claim after all. Those who worry about how much sleep they have gotten and are going to get are always tired while those who don’t count the hours they sleep are never tired. Getting a dorm attitude taught me to quit thinking about sleeping and start thinking about more important things. I’ve always been able to write best in a restaurant or busy place. Writers know it’s much better to be surrounded by energy than silence when it comes to creativity, and dorms are the place where you find lots of energy.  A simple change of attitude got my creative energy flowing, and sleeping like a teenager was just icing on the cake.

Photo Credit UNCA
Photo Credit UNCA

A Chance for Change

Change is a difficult challenge as I have to choose whether or not to embrace God’s will and let go of mine. Change is necessary to manifest His will, but I must trust God and give Him the chance to change me. Security, my need to control, and pride keep me from changing as God desires. When I am ready to surrender, the Holy Spirit begins a transformation only He can accomplish.

Security is linked to safety, and I cling to what I know in a desperate attempt to remain safe. The irony is that my tendency to stick to the known threatens the very safety I try to protect. I settle for the way things are and convince others I know what I’m doing. The problem comes when trying to convince myself or God.

The chance for change requires leaving my comfort zone and stepping into the unknown. That puts me in a prayerful state of mind and requires faith that God is who He says He is. It’s precisely where I need to be, but exactly where I don’t want to be. Like the Israelites, I complain and ask God why I have to change. I prefer rearranging to real change which requires more reflection than I care to do.

Moving away from the known is extremely difficult, even when I know it is for the best. I stay in terrible situations simply because I worry that I may end up in a worse place if I step out, which shows a lack of faith on my part. I also have to admit I am wrong, and that bruises my pride. Christ was willing to leave heaven and God’s presence to make the single most powerful change this world has ever experienced. If He can do that, surely I can make the simple changes He is asking of me.

Change asks me to surrender and have faith in God. I have to let go of my need to control, and admitting I need God is the first step in that surrender. When I finally let go, God always shows me how pleasant it is to have someone who knows the way take me where I need to go. I would never step off a plane in a foreign country, signal for a taxi, and tell the driver to move over, but I am guilty of doing just that when it comes to God.

Several years ago, I was in San Francisco on a business trip. It was during Chinese New Year. My colleagues and I decided to go to China Town for the festivities. I’ve never seen so many people in one place and soon found myself caught up in a group of revelers dressed in a large red dragon costume. They were setting off firecrackers in front of each store to bring good luck to the owner in the coming year. I started to panic as the fireworks got closer and my colleagues got further away. I was lost in a sea of foreign faces and filled with fear.

When faced with danger, I look for help. When in a ditch, I’m open to suggestions. The challenge of change is having the same attitude without the danger or the ditch. Successful people know the importance of change and are willing to take the risks involved. Like a child in the backseat, I tend to bombard God with questions. When will I get there? How much longer? Where am I? I’m hungry! Can I have a drink? My father responded to those questions with the threat of pulling off the road. God is much gentler, but He makes it clear that I free to go my own way if that’s what I want. God’s patient love lets me wait until I am ready for the changes He has in mind for me.

God could easily take control, but that goes against the nature of love. He loves me too much to force His will on me. Besides, He knows it’s an ineffective method for true change. If I see the second ‘c’ in chance as my need to control, change it to a ‘g’ for God, and give control to Him, I’ll find the joy that comes when I trust and obey Him. Pride and fear keep me from giving God the chance to change me. Pride doesn’t go before the fall when it comes to change; it keeps me from falling back into my faith in God. Falling in faith is a lot like falling in love. I have to just let go and trust God to catch my heart. As I looked at this amazing sunset this evening, I wondered how I could possibly not trust God.

Sunset 10-12-13

Lessons in Sharing

Sharing is rarely easy, but it’s far easier to share material possessions than to share my burdens with others. Inviting others into my story means opening my heart to possible hurt and rejection, and that’s more painful than having to do with a little less. Healthy sharing lets others hear my heart. Unhealthy sharing is about dumping my problems on others or holding tightly to them.  Like most folks, I’ve had my share of unhealthy sharing with things and my heart. Unhealthy sharing either weighs me down with guilt or leaves me clueless. Both knock my heart off balance.

Sharing as God desires leaves my heart balanced and stronger than ever. When it comes to weight, distribution is the key to balance. The same is true when it comes to sharing burdens. Carrying burdens alone wears me down quickly, but handing it off to someone who will ‘take care of it for me’ is even worse. My son is dealing with his father’s illness, and I’ve watched him share his father’s burdens in a powerful way. Being a loving presence and helping him find his balance has given Tyler a new sense of balance. That’s what healthy sharing does, and I thank God for the lessons we are all learning during this special time of transition.

I hear hope in Tyler’s voice, and I’ve never been more proud of him. Love changes everything, and that is especially true when it comes to love and life. Burdens are lightened and loads are are lifted when love enters the picture. Children lift and lighten as no medicine can, and they need be part of the sharing process. Tyler and Gina are allowing the girls to be present in a positive way. That’s healthy sharing, and it creates balance. It is what weight distribution is all about. The joy the girls bring grows as it is shared, and that’s the best sharing of all.

Giant Lessons From a Little One

Last Sunday on the way home from church, Lillyann and I had the following conversation:

Me: What did you learn about today?

Lillyann: God

Me: What was the story about?

Lillyann: God

Me: Who was in the story?

Lillyann: God!

Me: What did God do in the story?

Lillyann: He picked up three rocks and killed a giant.

Me: Oh, you heard how David killed Goliath

Lillyann: No, God did it!

Lessons from little ones are the most profound, and I needed the message God delivered through little Lillyann. It’s been a week of trying to slay giants on my own, but God reminded me that He had put a very wise little minister in the path before the onslaught. If I had heeded His message on Sunday, my week would have been much easier. Instead, I decided to face fear, guilt, and jealousy on my own and found myself face down on the ground before I remembered Lillyann’s little lesson.

Lillyann knew the story of David and Goliath before Sunday, but she got the greater meaning on Sunday. I knew the greater meaning behind the story, but God reminded of it this week. I have always tried to slay giants and dragons on my own because I preferred to have God watch and then say, “Good girl!!” Lillyann and Mylah both insist on doing things on their own, and I appreciate their desire for independence. I have the same desire myself. It’s great to learn new skills and be independent, but it’s also wonderful to remember that it is God who is working through me. The greatest lesson in independence is knowing that I am totally dependent upon God. That is freeing, and that is at the heart of independence.

The nonsense in Washington and all around this country reminds me of what happens when slaying giants becomes all about getting credit and being right. The left and right have one thing in common. They are killing the country with their agendas. I’m not a red person, and I’m not a blue person. I’m a purple person living in the middle of the mess. The country is being bruised by the rocks flying from both directions, and I’m tired of the folks on both sides claiming to be heros.

David didn’t see himself as a hero. He was simply letting God work through him. That is what a true hero does, and I pray I will remember that. God will take care of the giants in my path if I will let Him do what He does best. I don’t suppose those in Washington will solve their differences until they are able to let go of the need to be right. It is the way of this world to wage war, but the collateral damage is always played out in the lives of those in the middle who are trying to live and love in an imperfect world. God becomes lost in the battle He has already won.

Agendas are like rocks, and they’re flying all around as the country tries to find its balance. I pray we’ll trust God, as did David, to slay those giants looming in the distance. Working together and remembering what is truly important are the smooth stones that will kill those giants.

.hayespress.org/david_and_goliath.php
.hayespress.org/david_and_goliath.php

Kissing God

The message yesterday was about the difference between forms of worship and worship itself. Pastor Jeff used the vivid image of kissing to describe our response to God’s love. He explained that giving his wife a kiss every evening is one way to let her know he loves her. He went on to describe how worship can become a routine little kiss if it is only about the kiss. Worship comes in many forms, and love is expressed in a variety of ways. The point of the message was the heart behind the kiss makes all the difference, and the same is true as I worship God. The message opened up a flood gate in my heart that reminded me of the kisses I’ve received and how they reflect the way I’ve worshipped.

As a young teen, I remember my first kiss. It was at a neighborhood party when we were playing spin the bottle. If you’re too young to know that game, I’ll explain. Soft drinks came in glass bottles then, and we would take an empty bottle and place it on the floor. We sat in a circle around the bottle, and some brave soul gave the bottle it’s first spin. When the bottle stopped spinning, the person spinning it had to kiss the person the bottle was pointing to. Baron was spinning, and my heart was pounding. He was so cute, and I was praying that bottle would point to me. When it did, I got my first kiss. It was so sweet and led to a brief, but beautiful little romance. I thank God for those sweet, innocent kisses that made me want to be kissed. God wants to be kissed too, but I’m afraid I’ve not been a very good kisser when it comes to responding to His love. When I think of my very first kisses, I am reminded that sometimes my worship is all about me being kissed.

Sometimes, kissing is simply a stepping stone. I’ve had too many experiences with those kisses. Many were harsh experience that left me feeling emptied and used. Perfunctory kisses are superficial at best and apathetic at worst, and I’ve experienced what seemed a lifetime of them. I’m only kissing you because I have to in order to get what I want. Those kisses are the worst, but I’m sorry to say that I’ve kissed God the very same way. I’m enduring this because I know I have to. When I think about those years of worship, my heart sinks. I did what I had to do, and that is not what love, worship, or kisses should be about.  I’ve had kisses that were filled with passion but still simply a stepping stone. No matter what form the perfunctory kisses take, they still are all about getting what I want. Being on the receiving end of those kisses isn’t pleasant, and I’m sure God completely understands because I’ve kissed Him far too many times with what I want in mind.

The best kiss comes from two hearts filled with love, and there aren’t words to adequately describe the feeling it gives. Fairy tales try to capture the feeling of true love’s kiss, but it cannot be understood until experienced. Kisses that connect hearts heal as nothing else can and leave me wanting everyone to know the feeling. Love no longer is about me. It becomes about the other, and that is what worship is all about. God’s heart is filled with love for all, and magic happens when my heart connects with His. Kissing God is like kissing others; it can be perfunctory or it can be perfect. The choice is mine. It’s always perfect on God’s side, so I’m the one who has to change the way I kiss. When I love God with abandon and join with others to praise and worship Him, it is the ultimate kiss that makes me forget about me and focus upon God and the love He has in mind for His world. As I sat by the fire singing praise songs last night, I was kissing God with abandon. It was an exquisite feeling that left me wanting more. It’s precisely what worship is meant to do to the heart. Form may vary when it comes to worship, but love is steadfast and grows each time I praise God from the bottom of my heart.

Compete or Complete?

Lillyann is four and getting her first taste of competition as she learns to play soccer. Yesterday, at practice, she didn’t take the ball away once and told her mommy on the ride home, ” I don’t like taking…I love everyone and it’s not nice to take!” Would that the world had her attitude about playing together and that her attitude would extend to sharing toys:)  We teach children to play nicely and then tell them it’s okay to forget those rules when competing. All’s fair in love and war applies to sports and to worship.

Christians, unfortunately, fall into the same patterns of competing against one another rather than coming together in completing the work Christ began. What should be a loving encounter becomes a fierce competition. I’ve been in groups that focused upon who’s doing the most and working the hardest. Fighting about who’s in charge and who has control takes the focus away from God. The need to be right or in control turns hearts from completing to competing.

I’ve left gatherings feeling just like little Lillyann felt after her soccer practice. Love is lost in competition, but the great news is that it’s found in completion. Last night, I felt a beautiful sense of completion as I sat with a group of women ranging in age from nineteen to ninety-one. There was a powerful connection that gave me a beautiful taste of heaven. Each of us was on a different journey, but we paused for a moment to share our journeys, our love for God, and our love for one another. He was in charge of the meeting, and that completed in a way that helped us move forward, fueled by the love we shared.

Love is about celebrating our differences while sharing our common love of God. It is expressed and experienced differently. Sharing love isn’t about determining who is loving the right way or the most. No two children are alike, and that is often the source of competition within families. Those differences can be seen as a source of division, or they can become the basis for completion. The choice is up to us. God’s family will only be complete when we turn from competing to completing. That requires loving in a way that radically differs from the world. Christ changes my definition of father, home, and family. That changes the way I love and allow myself to be loved.

I am not capable of loving or accepting love as God desires on my own. Christ knows competition is the greatest enemy of wholeness, so He makes sure I have the help I need to move from competing to completing. I wonder how my life and the lives of all Christians would look if we forgot about competing and let God’s love complete as we share it openly and honestly with one another and the world. The glimpse I got last night made me want more, and I pray I will live out God’s love in a way that makes others want the same.

Lillyann

Oz and the Tin Man

God used the tin man from The Wizard of Oz and Dewey Bunnell’s song The Tin Man to teach a powerful lesson this morning. I suppose the release of the movie this week had something to do with the vivid image and sweet song God used to teach His lesson in love. I marvel at how He uses everything in my path if I stop long enough to listen and learn.

I love The Tin Man and hearing it this morning was a blessing. The melody caught me and lifted me up beautifully. Rising up was the image Dewey Bunnell had when writing those lyrics. God’s used the image of spiraling upward a great deal during the past year, so I smiled when I read the author’s comments about his song, ‘Spinning round, round, round, smoke glass stain bright colors…’–that’s all just purely kaleidoscopic imagery. The melody definitely dictated those words, because it was a swirling, rising thing.” Sounds like spiraling upward to me.

Take a moment to read the words and listen to the song written by Dewey Bunnell

The Tin Man

Sometimes late when things are real

And people share the gift of gab between themselves

Some are quick to take the bait

And catch the perfect prize that waits among the shelves

But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man

That he didn’t, didn’t already have

And Cause never was the reason for the evening

Or the tropic of Sir Galahad.

So please believe in me

When I say I’m spinning round, round, round, round

Smoke glass stain bright color

Image going down, down, down, down

Soapsuds green like bubbles.

The beauty of poetry, especially when set to music, is that it takes on different meaning depending upon the heart of the individual listening. The same is true when it comes to God. I can relate to the tin man because I’ve spent a lifetime searching for my heart. God reminded me this morning that it’s right where it’s always been, inside of me. God doesn’t give me anything I don’t already have. Christ brings His sweet Spirit into my life so I can see who He created me to be. My heart’s journey has been a difficult one, but I’ve finally come to a place of spinning upward. Those old images are going down, down, down as my heart spirals up, up, up. Like Sir Galahad searching for the Holy Grail, it isn’t about the Cause; it’s about the result.

As long as I am in this world, my heart will continue to be broken. It’s what happens to hearts when they love. The tin man was strong on the outside and had a perpetual smile. I’ve been there myself, but I’m glad God cracked opened that hard shell and exposed the soft, pliable heart that has always been inside. The tin man’s famous line, “If I only had a heart” is replaced with “I only have a heart.” The lesson for me this morning was that it’s all I’ve ever needed, and I’ve had it all along. That heavy tin is on the ground where it belongs, and it feels great to finally be rid of it!

This is my 361st post, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence 🙂 Coming full circle takes on a new meaning as I begin to spin upward.

Sweet Perspective

As I watched Mylah fall asleep in my arms after a full morning of play, I thanked God for the sweet perspective she and Lillyann give me. Since coming home from Topsail Island, I’ve had a new sense of direction. I knew I needed a sunrise when I went to visit my sister, but I didn’t know why until this week. What I needed was a new beginning, and the amazing sunrises on Topsail Island were God’s way of telling me it was time to head home. I was sinking in a sea of guilt, and my heart needed to stop floundering on the shore and head to higher ground.

Each morning I was on the island, God arranged a spectacular sunrise. I needed to stop, rest, and be filled before beginning the next leg of this journey. Bad choices left my heart filled with hurt and guilt.  Neither are part of the love God has in mind for His children, and that lesson was crystal clear each morning as I started my day in His presence. I’ve drifted from His presence often on this journey, and I’m sure I will again before arriving home; but I was as close to Him as I’ve ever been while on Topsail Island.

Life is about loving and connecting to others. I’ve made too many unhealthy connections, but I pray I’ll listen as God shows me a new way of connecting in regard to relationships. I see now that I am His daughter, and that makes me see me and His love for me in a whole new light. Tuesday evening as I met with a small group of women interested in drawing nearer to Christ and to one another, I knew I was right where God wanted me to be. The women ranged in age from nineteen to ninety-one, yet we all were in sweet accord. I’ve never felt anything like it before, but I have the feeling it’s only the beginning of what God has in store for my heart.

I was tossed upon the shore in a way that left me out of breath and gasping for air, but I’m breathing and connecting deeply for the first time in a very long time.

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Glorious Day

My sister’s home on Topsail Island is named Glorious Day. I love the song by Casting Crowns, and I love the thought that every day is a glorious day when I open my heart to the love God places in my path.

The ocean fascinates me, and I get lost in its vastness each time I stand on the shore. My heart has been lost in some form of water since I was five and stepped off the pier in an effort to escape the harsh hands of the world. I’ve been searching for the shore ever since.

My heart was lost a sea of guilt as vast as the ocean. Just as rip tides carry unsuspecting swimmers far away from the shore, so did the tides of guilt pull my heart far away from God’s grace. I could not hang on to the guilt and embrace the grace at the same time. I had to make a choice.

I came to a place of letting go last month that allowed my heart to come back to the surface and find it’s way back to the shore. It’s tempting to stay on the shore, but I knew I had to begin my journey home. God made it clear that journey involved moving forward and traveling with others. As I drove home from the shore, God reminded me of the love He had, and would continue, to place all along the path.

My ten days away were all glorious ones. All days are glorious when I remember the love that lifted me from the water and brought me to the shore. The same love will surround me every step of the way on this beautiful journey home.

Glorious Day

The Journey Home

I knew I was home this morning when I awoke to the sounds of Lillyann and Mylah squealing. I’ve missed my sweet morning wake-up call while I was away from home. Traveling reminds me that home is truly where my heart belongs. I’ve always  loved coming home, and that was never more true than it was this week. I loved the beauty of Topsail Island, and it was wonderful to see my sister. However, I’ve never been happier to see the mountains than I was on Friday.

For over a week, I’ve struggled with God’s image of coming home. I just couldn’t wrap my heart around the lesson God had for me. I was getting very frustrated this morning as I continued to miss the message. I decided to leave it alone, stop trying so hard, and just wait it out. That usually works when I hit a stumbling block. I was shocked this morning when Pastor Jeff began talking about Jesus telling His disciples He was going home. I hope I am always surprised and delighted by the way God works.

The message today reminded me that I attach my definitions of father and home to heaven rather than letting Christ’s definitions shape my vision. I did, at least, understand that God was referring to heaven when He was bidding me to come home. Going home can be difficult, as Pastor Jeff reminded me this morning. Our homes and fathers are imperfect and always will be. I had to unpack my feelings about my father and home so I could embrace the Father and the home Jesus is trying to get His disciples to see. I’m sure they struggled as I did; in fact, they must have struggled even more because they had Jesus right in front of them. They could reach out and touch Him, so I’m sure they did not want Him to go anywhere without them.

Jesus used the best examples in this world to try and get across the love He so wanted them to know was waiting for them. As I told Jodi this morning, I’ve been looking at home and father from the wrong perspective. I understand God, the Father’s loving home much more clearly that ever before if I think of my own son coming home. It doesn’t matter what he’s done or where he’s been; I want to see him and love him. There is nothing in this world I love more than seeing Tyler after being away from him for a while. God feels the same way about me. I’ve been thinking about past hurt and the difficulty of going home in terms of how I would be welcomed. Looking at it from a different perspective healed my heart in a very beautiful way this morning.

Christ’s precious love brought me to the shore and cleared the path for me to go home long ago on the cross. His grace and love are all along the way home, and His Father’s love is waiting for me at the door of heaven. He’s waiting for me to come home so He can do what I do each time I see my son, my precious grandbabies, or any one of my dear family and friends. I can imagine that love now, and that changes everything. I know the way I feel about my son coming home is a drop in the ocean compared with how God feels when He sees me coming home, and that makes the journey home worth all the stumbling and getting lost.  It makes me want to jump for joy the way my little girls do when they see me. Lillyann literally jumped into my arms yesterday when I was waiting for her at the Play Lodge, and Mylah did the same this morning after church. Children delight in coming home and seeing those they love after being separated for an hour, day, week, or month. It doesn’t matter to them how long they’ve been away. They just delight in seeing a loved one, and I plan to take their attitude as I continue on this journey home.

This picture of Tyler and Lillyann reminds me of how God will feel when I get home 🙂

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