Change is never easy, but it is especially difficult when it comes to the heart. The closer the change gets, the more profound the effect. Those things at the center of my heart are held more tightly, so they have to be wrenched away to clear the path. God knows change involves pain. His plan for my salvation hurt Him to His very core. I am learning that when I put things into His perspective, I am both humbled and embarrassed by the comparison.
I have always been the last one to get the joke, especially if it was on me. I used to get angry with the battering of those jokes which are never funny, but I learned to laugh along and became adept at taking it to the next level. The comedian in me learned that self-deprecation gets a lot of laughs, so I beat everyone to the punch line and became a great clown.
The lessons this week have been tough ones, but ones I needed. The tendency to beat myself up is still very near the surface, and I have trouble discerning when I’ve crossed a line. I want to be who God created me to be. People who know and love me know how easily I’m hurt. Mama preached one lesson to me – I was going to be hurt because I wasn’t like everyone else. As I found myself questioning and crying this afternoon, I realized that I have to turn off that recording, along with the ones of daddy, and start listening to God’s voice.
I get so angry when I doubt myself, and God let me cry and worry for a while before interrupting this afternoon. He reminded me that I am His beloved daughter. He created me and knows what He is doing. He made it clear that He has had enough of my self-deprecation and doubting. The message was loud and clear and went right to my core. I am not like everyone else, and that’s exactly as it should be. That doesn’t give people the right to hurt me, and that goes double when it comes to me!
The lesson hit hard today, but I’m thankful because my heart needed jarring. The trouble with jarring is the spilling. I didn’t like what I saw because it wasn’t what I expected. God gave me a beautiful heart and expects me to see it as He sees it. The hard lesson today was that I still see myself as flawed. God showed me that my heart deserves the very best, and I am not damaged goods!! I’m learning that we all need to be loved, and we are all different. It is in those sweet differences that God can be seen most clearly.
I know mama was trying to keep me being hurt as she had been hurt, but I’m afraid her warnings simply made me see myself as damaged goods and caused me to flee from love. I am loved, and that message was brought home in a powerful way this week. I am loved. I am lovable, and I matter:) Thank you God; I needed to hear that!