When it comes to matters of the heart, God knows best. He is love, and hearts are built to hold and share His love. The decisions I’ve made when it comes to love have put my heart in harm’s way my entire life. I love with my whole heart because it’s the only way I know how to love, but I love those who are unable, for one reason or another, to love me completely. I struggle with worthiness when it comes to love. I don’t expect to be loved because I don’t believe I deserve to be loved.
God’s lessons this week left me feeling like an empty cupcake wrapper. He put the image in my heart on Tuesday, and it wouldn’t go away. My heart is empty, and it’s a feeling much worse than anything I’ve felt before. I’ve held on to hope that isn’t there for a very long time. God gently, but firmly, opened my hands and my heart to show me the emptiness. I knew there was no hope, but I thought if I held my hands clasped tightly and pretended it was there, I might convince myself that clinging to it would make a difference.
The emptiness of that cupcake wrapper turned into a vast canyon when I came to the end of the path yesterday. It stretched out before me sending my cries back in a hollow, haunting echo. I’m used to dead ends when it comes to love, but this wasn’t like anything I’ve felt before. Standing on that precipice was like standing on the pier as a child. I could step off into the nothingness or turn and go in a new direction. At five, I didn’t have a choice, but God showed me that I am not who I was. He also told me in no uncertain terms that I am not who He knows I can be either. It is tempting to just step off, but I’ve learned enough about love to know that I will not settle for life without it.
Repentance simply means to turn, and God assured me that He’s right behind me waiting for me to make up my heart and let Him lead me down a different path. There is a part of me that can’t bear to face Him, but there is a much bigger part that wants to jump into His arms. Admitting I went down the wrong path and saying I’m lost is the first step when it comes to repentance. Knowing God is patiently waiting to pick me up and carry me until I am ready to walk on my own gives me the courage to turn around. Matters of the heart matter most in this world, and it’s time for me to turn around and let God decide the direction when it comes to love.