“I reckon so” is a response used in the mountains indicating whatever asked makes sense based on what is known. Reckon means to calculate or figure, so it’s a fairly literal use of the term. It all adds up, so to speak. I’m not an accountant, but I did work as a bookkeeper for four years. I was uncomfortable balancing books, but I was ecstatic when the monthly reconciliation came out correctly. Seeing that sweet zero balance made me shout “Hallelujah!”
The lessons this week have been difficult ones that left me completely spent in more ways than one. I kept the girls last night, so I was in bed by 8:30. After they drifted off to sleep, I asked God for comfort and direction. God knew my heart was the problem. As soon as I think I’ve found some balance when it comes to my heart, the rug is invariably pulled out from under me. Roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, and yo yo’s are fun, but my heart doesn’t belong on any of them. It’s exciting to be lifted up and down; but when the ride stops, so does the fun. Being drawn near is thrilling, but being pushed away is so terribly chilling. My heart was as tired as it’s ever been this week. God saw my emptiness, but He was waiting for me to ask for help.
I did ask, and God was faithful to answer. I didn’t ask earlier because I feared a day of reckoning was coming. I’ve seen God as a Smiter most of my life, but I’ve learned nothing is farther from the truth. I suppose my upbringing caused me to think of Him in that way, but He made it clear the balancing He had in mind for my heart need not be feared. His sweet Spirit showed me truths that helped bring the zero balance I needed. So many things just weren’t adding up in my heart, but I kept pretending all was well. I knew where the problems were, but I didn’t know how to fix them. I had a flashback to personnel and payroll and had to smile when I thought of Joanna, a CPA, who would always come and patiently help me find my mistakes. The Holy Spirit was very like her as He sat with me last night and this afternoon.
Knowing what needs to be fixed and fixing it are very different things, but I know I’ll find the courage to move forward with God’s help. He knows the pain love can bring when it isn’t returned. He also knows that making someone love me is never the right way. He could make everyone love Him, but He doesn’t dare. He knows that only leaves the heart empty and hurting. Hearts need truth to bring them into balance, and the truth has never been harder to hear than this week. It’s always my choice whether or not to hear the truth. I knew what I was going to hear before I heard it, and that’s what “I reckon so” is all about. It is a way of coming around to what I may not want but know is right based on the obvious.
A dear friend told me as we walked today that my heart was worn out. She said I was emotionally empty, and it was affecting my health. She was genuinely concerned about me. My sister told me the same thing during my visit with her over the weekend. Both touched my heart where it needed to be touched and helped me find the courage to ask God for help. My heart is worn out, and that zero balance is hurting right now. I know God will bring renewal as I close the books on past hurts, stop trying to change what I cannot change, and begin anew. It is what reconciliation is all about.
A day of reckoning is “a time of punishment or retribution: a time when somebody is made to answer for crimes or mistakes.” Reconciliation is “the process of making consistent or compatible.” I like the sound of consistent and compatible but realize I’ve been drowning in punishment and retribution my entire life. I’ve made many mistakes when it comes to my heart, but God knows I’ve punished myself far too much for far too long. I don’t have to answer for any crimes, and I’ve certainly paid for my mistakes and more.
Pain is part of reconciliation, and no one knows that better than God. His innocent Son died to bring the world’s heart into balance. I pray, with the help of His Holy Spirit, I will make stop making choices that break my heart and start making ones that heal and help. A zero balance is terribly painful when it comes to love, but every ending is a wonderful opportunity to begin again. There are no easy paths when it comes to love, but there are clear choices based upon the truth that make the heart’s journey a joyous one.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19 gives me the courage to see that zero balance with an attitude of anticipation rather than fear.
“Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation”