The second saying in the Gospel of Thomas resonates with my heart because I am, always have been, and pray I always will be, prone to wonder.
“Jesus said: He who seeks, let him not cease seeking until he finds; and when he finds he will be troubled, and when he is troubled he will be amazed, and he will reign over the All.”
Wonder does, indeed, lead me into the troubling waters of confusion where God finds and takes me to a place I never could have found on my own. The Holy Spirit ignites wonder in my heart and stills my heart so I can hear the answers God has for me. His answers are never the ones I expect, but He patiently helps me see that He knows what I do not. I have also been prone to wander off when I don’t like or understand those answers, but He is faithful to bring me back to where He is. Wandering is part of the wondering process, and I’ve done more than my share.
Questioning and wondering are two very different processes. As wondering increases, questioning decreases. My faith grows when I understand that I don’t have to understand. It is the most difficult lesson I’ve had to learn because it required a shift in control. Wanting what I want destroys wonder because selfish searching leaves no room for wide-eyed wonder. Learning focuses upon getting as I question, but it is about receiving when I wonder.
There is a world of difference between getting what I want and receiving what God wants for me. He will let me live in either world because He will not force His love or His desires on me. I am learning to pray for His will and way and for the desires of His heart to become mine. I have also been ending my prayers with the plea, “Please don’t give me what I want dear God; give me what you want for me.” That simple prayer is changing me and filling me with wonder when I don’t see the way as clearly as I would like to see it. I know He has wonderful plans in mind, and I’m beginning to see that not knowing leads to the sweet amazement Jesus has in store.