Author: Gigi

I taught middle school for 33 years and retired in 2007. I'm enjoying my journey and loving the time I have with my three granddaughters who call me "Gigi." I want to share my journey with them and with anyone else interested in sharing the lessons God has for me on this amazing journey.

As a Child

God formed the body of Christ from His deep love for His children, and they have been trying to recreate it ever since. Intentions are good, but they don’t always lead in a positive direction. Peter had the same intentions in Matthew 17:4.

“Peter said to Jesus, ‘Lord, it is good for us to be here; if You wish, I will make three tabernacles here, one for You, and one for Moses, and one for Elijah.'” (NASB)

Our love for Christ makes us want to do something or create something that will show Him how very much we love Him. I’m sure He appreciates the efforts, but I’m also sure He wonders at where we get the notion it’s what He desires. Christ was crystal clear when it came to His desire, but His simple message of love gets lost in ornate organizations and messy erections built to honor Him. Whether we build a cathedral or put up a tent, it is still our design. There are 33,000+ Christian denominations in 238 countries. (World Christian Encyclopedia) All are trying to get it right, and I admire their determination. I understand Peter’s desire to build something for Jesus and want to do the same.

I’ve attended seven churches from five different denominations. All offered a place to learn and love, and I grew in each. I’m thankful for my experiences and still have friends from all seven. The pope’s visit last week made me think about church. I haven’t been in an organized church for four months, and it has been very uncomfortable for me. It is difficult not to feel guilty because all of my experiences with church have fostered guilt in me. I do not blame them for that because the guilt was instilled in my heart long before I attended any of them.

The Catholic church is known for its beautiful cathedrals, and seeing the splendor wowed me more than once as I followed the coverage of the pope’s visit. I was struck by Pope Francis because he seemed to be a very simple man surrounded splendor and extravagance. His simple messages and sweet gestures showed a man trying to live out the lessons in love that Jesus still teaches, but the pomp and circumstance buried him at times. I cannot imagine Jesus being comfortable in that setting, but I also cannot imagine Him being comfortable in many of the churches we have built for Him. Agendas, boards, meetings, committees, and all else that go with an institution get in the way of His simple message of love.

My experience has been varied when it comes to churches and denominations, but the same desire to serve has been at the heart of each. That desire gets twisted and turned by those who have the need to control either quietly in the background or obviously in the forefront. The building becomes important. It can’t be too fancy, or it must be as ornate as possible. Programs, visions, mission statements, and agendas take on a life of their own. Both ends of the spectrum share the goal of reaching out to others to spread the gospel, and I admire those who persevere; but I’ve been torn and worn out trying to find my way to the center over the years.  Perhaps there isn’t one, and that’s okay. I know Who is at the center of my worship, and that’s all that matters.

I love the body of Christ, and I know Jesus loves it too. People are imperfect, and no one would say amen more quickly to that statement than Peter himself. We are all in the process of transformation, and I am thankful for the learning, living, listening, and loving I found in each of the churches I’ve attended. I’m also thankful for this time of transition because it is an important part of the transformation God has in mind for my heart. I wanted the church to meet my needs, and I believe that is what most people want. I felt so alone and lost four months ago, but God has been faithful to fill the void in ways I could never have imagined.

I’ve had more time for Him lately, and that’s been a beautiful blessing. Like a couple who never find time for one another until they go away, God and I have renewed our vows in a sweet and powerful way during this time together. He is always sitting at the center with His Son, and His Holy Spirit helped me find my way back to where this journey began fifty years ago. That has been a beautiful blessing.

God’s kingdom is more suited to children, and that has been a powerful part of the learning this week. I’m beginning a study of Mark 10, and verses 13-16 helped me understand a powerful truth.

“And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, ‘Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.’ And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.” (NASB)

Paul J. Nuechterlein’s sermon, “A Heart-Warming Text,” gave a new perspective on those verses and helped me see that seeing others as my sisters and brothers and loving as a little child changes the very nature of all my relationships, including the one I have with Christ.

“Entering God’s kingdom as a little child means that Jesus offers us freedom from relationships that ensnare us and harden our hearts. He instead offers us the choice to relate to one another as beloved children of one loving God. It’s a new way of relationships, of new and abundant life.” (October 8, 2006)

Mark 10 is not always used in a heart-warming way, but God showed me this week that His Word is always meant to warm the heart. It’s the only way to soften those hardened by the relationships to which Nuechterlien refers. God never ceases to amaze me when it comes to knowing what I need just when I need it, but then He reminds me to remember Who He is and how He feels about me. Then, it makes perfect sense.

The Narrow Gate

Matthew 7:13-14 describes the way to a life in God’s presence. There are various interpretations of these verses, most having to do with exclusion. I believe they simply mean we must all come into God’s presence individually. That means stepping away from the crowd.

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.” (NASB)

A crowd cannot pass through the entrance described in Matthew. Groups are great, and I love the sense of belonging I get from them; but my relationship with God is personal. I can’t depend upon a church, a denomination, a team, my family, or my friends to replace my relationship with God. Christ came so we could all have an intimate relationship with God, the Father. That humbles and makes us want to disappear into a crowd. Intimacy is intimidating in human relationships, so it’s understandable that many run from intimacy with The Creator. A group date is easier than a candlelight dinner for two, so many miss out on the relationship and the gate.

Families foster love and give the grounding we need when they are healthy, but they can also be our most painful source of disconnection. Corporate worship brings harmony when those present are in one accord, but it creates discord when they aren’t. No group is perfect, and that includes God’s family. We are all broken, and that will not change until we walk through that narrow gate and meet him face-to-face. The gate is not for groups, and groups cannot decide who gets to walk through the gate. It was forged by a love unlike anything we can imagine. A love designed for all, but not accepted by all. The narrowness of the gate is uncomfortable for some, so they choose the wide berth and imagined comfort of a familiar group.

Groups appear to offer protection and safety, but they rarely do. That is especially true when it comes to religion and politics. The need to win, be the best, or be right cause an unhealthy fusion that forces many to stay on the wide path. I hate election years because the divisions seem to get uglier and uglier, but perhaps I’m just paying more attention as I get older. Lines are darker and deeper, and the stakes are higher than ever. So, we choose sides and battle it out or sit on the sidelines and settle into a seething silence. Sadly, the same thing is happening with religion.

Oneness is at the heart of God’s Word, yet the scriptures divide us more than any political campaign can. How it must grieve God to see His children fighting over His Word. The need to be right is at the heart of division. It begins in the family unit, grows in heart, and reaches out into the community. Christ offered a beautiful solution when He took it upon Himself to breach the divide between God and His children. His unconditional, sacrificial love creates a path to a gate that is open and ready when we are willing to step away from the crowd and enter in.

Fate or Dead Weight?

I’ve gained twelve pounds over the past two years, and I’m afraid I am slowing growing accustomed to the extra weight. Change, like weight, can come gradually or occur in an instant. Either way, it comes, and I must decide what to do about it. The lessons last week were about lightening the load on my heart, and that is proving to be much more difficult than shedding a few pounds.

My heart gains and carries excess weight just as my body and can accept the extra burden or get rid of it. The former is far easier, so my heart has grown heavier and heavier as a result of a lifetime of bad choices. Bad choices made for me during my childhood led to bad choices I made on my own. I bought into the lies that formed the foundation of those choices, and the cycle caused my heart to accept the heavy weight as its fate. I was meant to be hurt, and there was nothing I could do about it. I should accept the burden and grow in the suffering. It’s okay. It’s not as bad as it could be. Whatever ridiculous response I had, they all reflected the truth etched on my heart. I was not worthy of love.

The lessons this summer have been particularly hard because God took me out of my comfort zones and left me feeling exposed. He’s used the weight I gained in the past two years to help me see the weight that has been accumulating in my heart for decades. He lovingly showed me that the weight on my heart was far worse those extra pounds on my body. No amount of dieting or physical activity was going to make a difference if I didn’t deal with the load on my heart.

When hearts and bodies give up, they settle. When they settle, they become sedentary. When they become sedentary, dead weight accrues. The cycle is the same for the heart. Growing accustomed to the weight leads to accepting it as fate, and that is fatal for the heart and the body. My heart and body have been in a terrible state of acceptance over the past four months, and their settling has unsettled me. When I’m unsettled, I do my best to cover it up. I’ve never had a problem covering up pain. My mama taught me at an early age to put a happy face on a broken heart. It is the surest sign of giving up.

Giving up is a choice, and fate is about not having a choice at all. Both offer an easy way out, but God offers something more. He gives me the right to choose and loves me no matter what choice I make. He takes my bad choices and turns them into lessons. He knows that choice and love must go hand in hand. He also knows that making the wrong choices is part of the journey. I have made more than my share of bad choices when it comes to my heart, and the brokenness has given me compassion.

When my heart comes to a crossroad, it can continue along the same path or make a turn. The choice is, and always will be, mine to make. God is at every turn, but He will not force me to go in the direction He knows is best for my heart. He will only get involved if I ask for help. Asking God means admitting I need help, and that has never been easy for me because I’ve always seen myself as beyond help or deserving the hurt.

The world tells me to be strong and make my own way. Live with my mistakes. Don’t get my hopes up. God tells me that He is my hope and strength. He bids me to let His Spirit deal with burdens I cannot handle alone. My heart and body are not designed to carry excess weight, and that weight will numb or kill if left unattended. Sometimes, I come to a place of decision after an epiphany. Sometimes, there is a straw that breaks my back. More often, choice comes in a still moment of surrender. That’s what happened this morning when I looked into the heart of One Who loves me the way He wants me to be loved and saw myself with His eyes. That put choice in a whole new Light. Jesus says it best in Matthew 11:30:

“My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (NASB)

All Tensed Up!

Fear

Anchored in my past.

Analyzing my present.

Agonizing over my future.

Love

Accepting my past.

At peace in my present.

Anticipating my future.

Heart in the Sand

Lovely Lingering

Love is a spark that lingers

Long after the flames are lost.

It remains there to remind me

To go on whatever the cost.

I am prone to forget love

Until nothing else remains,

But love is patiently waiting

To ease all my heartaches and pains.

Whiteside Mountain

Replacing God

Evil has a hidden agenda

Fuel

Imitate

Replace

Begin with simple diversion

Innocent

Deserved

Harmless

End with harsh division

Replacing God

Matthew 6:21 says it best: “for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (NASB)

Holy, Holy, Holy

The word holy may evoke images of Mary and Moses, but it simply means readiness, ripeness, or maturity. Ripening is never an easy process, but the result is love that doesn’t depend upon circumstances for its sweetness. My son and daughter-in-law were raving about some peaches a friend had given them. They were from Georgia and tasted the way a peach should taste. The image reminded me of Christians who reflect Christ’s precious love. Like that Georgia peach, they are who God created them to be and delight those around them.

The world is filled with people and produce that are poor imitations of what they should be. Nothing is more bitter than an unripe persimmon, and sour grapes contort the countenance and the stomach. I hate buying beautiful fruit that tastes horrible when I take a bite.

Immature fruit and immature believers require time and love to ripen, but God knows holiness is worth the wait. Anyone who has eaten a peach picked in a Georgia orchard knows what a peach truly is. Those who come to the mountains of North Carolina in the fall for juicy, ripe apples understand what an apple should be. Watermelons from a field in South Carolina defy description. As a Christian, I am called to be holy; but I shy away from that call because I think it means I must be perfect. 2 Timothy 1:9 makes it clear that holiness isn’t about works or perfection. It is about God’s grace.

“who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity,” (NASB)

No one ever grew a tomato as delicious as the ones my father grew in the little garden behind our house.  The taste of that first tomato sandwich in July was well worth the long wait, but daddy ruined me when it came to tomatoes because none meet his high standards. He saved the seeds from his tomatoes and planted them in the spring. They were seeds from his father’s farm and probably from his grandfather’s before that. Heirloom is the term used to describe such tomatoes, and that is precisely what they were. I knew my granddaddy’s tomatoes because I knew my daddy’s tomatoes, and I know God’s love because I know His Son’s precious love.

I fall short when it comes to being the Christian I should be, but I do try to love as Christ loved. I’ve stopped trying to be perfect because I know God wants me to be ready, not perfect. Perfection will only come when I am in His presence. I think the world is excessively hard on Christians, and no one bashes Christians more than those who call themselves Christians or use some other term that means the same thing. I imagine a bad experience caused the disdain, but I do wish they would stop bashing and start loving.

I’ve stopped expecting tomatoes to taste like daddy’s, but I do have a glimmer of hope each time I find an heirloom tomato that resembles one of daddy’s. I plan to keep on looking for that elusive tomato because the alternative is to stop eating tomatoes and go around talking about how much I miss the good old tomatoes of the past. I’m sure others would soon tire of my tirades just as I tire of the tirades against Christians. Watching those little seeds grow and waiting anxiously for them to ripen was a lot of what made them so special. I was invested in those tomatoes, and I knew them personally. The love daddy had for those tomatoes was a bigger part. Anyone who knew Foy Holden, knew how much he loved his tomatoes. I pray I will have the same love for God’s children, especially those who are not yet ripe.

I haven’t found a perfect Christian, and I’m not looking for one because I know God isn’t looking for one either.

Jesus Smiling

It’s Fitting!!

I took care of my two granddaughters while my daughter-in-law was on a mission trip to Costa Rica. I loved having the opportunity to spend quality time with them and my son. Keeping up with two very energetic little girls wasn’t easy, but it was a lot of fun. I felt ten years younger after ten days and noticed my clothes were fitting differently.

There’s nothing better than clothes that fit well, and that is especially true for me because I absolutely hate wearing them!! Little Mylah is the same way, so getting her ready to go somewhere is like moderating a political debate. She won’t wear anything that doesn’t fit perfectly, and she’s a diva when it comes to the way she looks. I learned to just leave her alone, let her go through the painful process, and pick up all the clothes on the floor afterward.

God used the girls to teach many lessons last week, and one was about the importance of a proper fit. I’ve gained twelve pounds in the past two and a half years because I turned to food to fill a space that food cannot fill. The result was a closet full of uncomfortably tight clothing. I wore yoga pants and comfortable shirts while watching the girls because I had a lot to manage and didn’t want to have to worry about clothes.

When I got home and had time to breathe, I stepped on the scales and couldn’t believe I had lost four pounds. I got the tape measure out to make sure my scales were not broken and was even more surprised to learn that I had lost seven inches!!

Clothing was not the only thing not fitting lately, so God used the girls to teach a fitting lesson. I’ve struggled throughout my adult life with corporate worship. Some places were too tight, and some were too loose. Nothing seemed to suit or fit my spiritual needs. Trying to find the right fit left me frustrated and ready to quit.

A perfect fit is virtually impossible to find when it comes to clothes, but I do have outfits that feel wonderful and look great. I feel great when I wear them, so I can relate to Mylah’s struggle with clothing. Only God knows the perfect fit for my heart, and He showed me how it felt this week. On Tuesday, I shared communion with dear friends and knew I was right where I needed to be. It was a feeling far better than finding that perfect outfit.

Walking in God’s kingdom is about being where He wants me to be. He knows His kingdom is the perfect fit for my heart; and  He knows that once I feel its fit, I won’t settle for anything less.

Philippians 2:1-2 is a beautiful scripture that describes the perfect fit God has in mind. I think I’ll put it on my closet door 🙂

“Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.” (NASB)

It's Fitting

Loving Without Fear

The air conditioning in my new apartment was shutting down each time the temperatures outside went above ninety degrees. For four months, my landlord and the men who installed the unit tried in vain to fix the problem. They replaced parts, put in a new transformer, and tried everything they knew to try with no success. They asked me to send a text the next time the system shut down, so they could see what was going on when it wasn’t working. We were all getting frustrated, and I was giving up on a quick fix of any kind.

The system shut down again last week, so I sent a text and hoped for the best. The solution turned out to be a simple one that left all of us relieved and smiling. The door on the electrical box has a safety feature that shuts the power off if it’s opened while the breaker to the unit is on. The extreme heat was causing the cover on the door to expand and bow out. That created a tiny crack between the door and the box that shut down the system until the attic cooled down in the evening. The guys sealed the door shut with tape, and the system has worked perfectly ever since.

No one understands the danger of opening a door that should not be opened better than an electrician because their lives depend upon it. God used the repair to teach a powerful lesson. Opening a door that is best left shut can create havoc in my heart, as well. I’ve opened doors I should not have opened, and my heart has suffered as a result.

God provides safeguards that keep my heart from being hurt. I can override those safeguards and warnings, or I can seal off my heart the way those men sealed off the door in my air conditioning system. God and I both know that isn’t the best solution. It’s best to be mindful and heed the warning signs if I want to avoid being hurt. Like an electrician’s life, my heart’s safety is at stake if I don’t.

God will not seal the door to my heart, and He doesn’t want me to seal it either. There are no easy solutions when it comes to love, and no one understands that better than God. His lessons leave me feeling disconnected at times, but I know disconnection and differentiation go hand in hand. Change is never easy, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Like flying from one trapeze to the next, faith will carry me if I forget about fear and remember God’s love is there to catch me when I fall. That allows me to love without fear, and God knows that’s the only way to love.

1 John 4:18 says it much better than I can.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” (NASB)

Photo Credit: US Hawks
Photo Credit: US Hawks

Victims and Villains

2 Samuel 11:1-15 is in the lectionary this week. The story of David and Bathsheba has been twisted and turned over the centuries, and I’ve struggled with it myself. Many see Bathsheba as a villainess who lured King David into a compromising situation. My early experiences with the church and my father’s opinion of women caused me to see David as an innocent victim seduced by a woman. My father had a famous saying he loved to repeat, “Water is the second most destructive force on earth.”

That begged the question, “What’s the first?”

He would smile and say, “Women!!”

My opinion of myself, and of women in general, was forged by my father’s opinions. I saw myself through his eyes for decades, but I’ve since learned to look through the lenses of my Father’s eyes to see the real me. Friends who see me as He does help with that process.

Six years ago, I was sitting in a Wednesday evening church service broken and confused. When I realized the topic for the evening’s Bible study was David and Bathsheba, my heart sank. I braced myself to hear the familiar tale of David’s demise caused by a wanton woman, but what I heard was something completely unexpected. There was something different about this message. I heard love in the story, and I didn’t hear the usual blame and judgment.

I listened intently as the familiar story was told honestly without vilifying or victimizing Bathsheba or David. I never realized Bathsheba was going through a purification ritual required of all women when their monthly menstrual cycle ended. Perhaps that aspect of the story was left out because it was deemed too sensitive for Sunday school or perhaps it didn’t fit the more convenient version. 2 Samuel 11:2-5 explains:

One late afternoon, David got up from taking his nap and was strolling on the roof of the palace. From his vantage point on the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was stunningly beautiful. David sent to ask about her, and was told, “Isn’t this Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam and wife of Uriah the Hittite?” David sent his agents to get her. After she arrived, he went to bed with her. (This occurred during the time of “purification” following her period.) Then she returned home. Before long she realized she was pregnant. (The Message)

I remember feeling my heart relax as I listened to the story unfold. Some folks were not comfortable with this new version. An angry woman to my left barked, “She liked the attention!!”

A lady on my right saw David as the villain and said, “He was the king! She couldn’t say no!!”

I sat still in the middle and listened. God used that moment to remind me that His Word must pass through the filter of my heart. What I hear depends upon how much fear is in my filter. How close am I to the subject at hand? What’s going on in my own life that relates to the verses before me? How open am I to hear the truth? The scriptures came to life in a beautiful way that evening as I forgot about my fears for a moment and listened with an open heart.

I’ve set myself up as a victim many times during my journey because it’s a comfortable position that causes others to sympathize with and protect me. Attention is addictive, and being a victim is the surest way to get a fix.That isn’t what God wants for me. Hearing the story of David and Bathsheba in a new light made me see my own story in a new light. Only God knows what happened on that rooftop, and only God knows what is going on in my own heart. There is great tragedy in the story of David and Bathsheba, but there is also hope. God chose their son Solomon to do great things, and Christ’s own lineage traces back to David and Bathsheba. God will, indeed, use all things for my good if I yield to Him.

I imagine folks will always vilify Bathsheba. I recently heard a woman speaker make fun of a girl named Bathsheba during her message. She made the remark, “Who would name their daughter Bathsheba!!??”I sighed and thought it was no wonder women are seen as they are when even women perpetuate myths that cement negative thoughts and lay a false foundation beneath God’s precious Word. It is frustrating and heart-breaking to hear.

There have been many attempts to capture Bathsheba’s image over the years. Most show her as a seductive nude reclining on a bed. I prefer this one from the History Channel because it shows the restoration God made possible. Bathsheba was the love of David’s life, and their son went on to be a great king. David, Bathsheba, and Solomon were not perfect, but they loved God. Instead of making villains or victims out of them to suit our own hearts, I think it’s best to see the story as an example of God’s ability to restore in any circumstance. I think that’s the point of the story.

Photo Credit: The History Channel
Photo Credit: The History Channel