Author: Gigi

I taught middle school for 33 years and retired in 2007. I'm enjoying my journey and loving the time I have with my three granddaughters who call me "Gigi." I want to share my journey with them and with anyone else interested in sharing the lessons God has for me on this amazing journey.

Wishdom or Wisdom?

I’ve preferred wishdom to wisdom most of my life because wisdom requires facing reality while wishing allows me to live in a fantasy world of my making. Snow White’s  “I’m Wishing” could be my theme song. I longed for someone to come along, wake my heart from its deep sleep, sweep me off my feet, and carry me into the sunset. As a child, I remember thinking I belonged somewhere other than where I was. I imagine my early experiences laid the foundation for fairy tale fantasies that flowed freely and followed me into my adult life.

I lived in a world of my own making as a child, a world of wishing. Wishdom was all the world wasn’t. I was safe and loved there, so I ran there when the world got to be too much for my heart to handle. Wishdom promises a happy ending as long as I endure and believe. Like Snow White, I put on a smile, wished, waited, and missed a lot of life.

Wisdom can be hard on the heart, but truth is tempered by love. The tempering may be uncomfortable at times, but its refining fire restores and reclaims. God’s Word is filled with powerful wisdom that often seems lost on those who claim to be Christians. It is too often picked over and pulled into pieces.  It’s easier to fight over God’s Word than live by it.

I wonder what Jesus would make of the titles Christian, Christ Follower, or whatever those who believe Him to be the Son of God choose to call themselves at any given time. I think Christ would prefer that we focus upon God’s love. He continuously pointed to God, the Father, and bid those following to do the same. John 13:3 says,

“Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God,” (NASB)

In Matthew 24:36, Jesus makes it clear that God is the One in control when He speaks of His own return.

“But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” (NASB)

I do not begin to understand the Trinity and am very suspicious of anyone who says they do. I do know that Christians get lost in their labels and arguments. God is the source of all wisdom, and I am the source of all wishdom. God will let me dwell in whichever realm I desire. Wishdom is tempting because I don’t have to do anything but dream and sing and smile. Wisdom requires learning, growing, and going where He bids when I don’t understand.

The choice of where I dwell will always be mine. Wishing offers a wonderful place to lie down, look up, and wait; wisdom offers experience. The definition of wisdom is simply “the quality of having experience.” There’s nothing wrong with a little wishing as long as it stays in its proper place and doesn’t pretend to be wisdom or keep me from the experiences God has for me.

I'm WishingPhoto Credit: Disney

The Silly and the Sacred

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel God’s presence in my life, but I vividly recall a time in my life when I turned away from His presence. It was a time when I thought I deserved to be deprived of His love. I know how ridiculous that is now, but I didn’t know it then. I saw God as a smiter at worst and a disappointed Father at best. I’ve come to know Him as a loving Father who delights in me the same way I delight in my son and his sweet little girls.

I hear God’s voice and feel His presence most clearly outdoors. I love sunrises, sunsets, mountains, oceans, trees, creeks, and all of His beautiful creation. In sweet moments alone with Him,  I know I am loved. I even captured what looked like His reassuring smile last year when I cried out from a dark and lonely place. He brought me out of my self pity with a beautiful sunset in the midst of some very ominous clouds and made me laugh. I have always had a very vivid imagination, but I’ve never been able to capture any of the images I see. You may not see the smiling fellow looking back at me in the picture below, but the image was, and still is, crystal clear to me.

Sunset Watching Me

If I find myself surrounded by dark clouds, I think of a sunset when God reminded me that light is brightest in the darkest hours. I am not a theologian by any means, but I do know God has a beautiful sense of humor. I have experienced it on many occasions. He’s the Master when it comes to teaching, and all good teachers know that humor is a very effective teaching tool. I’m thankful for an imagination that runs from silly to sacred at any given moment. God provides images that make me laugh and ones that humble and bring me to my knees in awe.

Mama had an imagination much like mine and so does little Lillyann. I used to be ashamed of the way I processed information, and mama warned me over and over that I wasn’t like everyone else. That made me keep the images to myself for a long time. Now, I’m thankful to be different, and I hope I’ll teach Lilly and Mylah to celebrate their differences. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we lived in a world that celebrated the same.

A Very Sweet Feeling

I was expecting to see a spectacular display of fireworks last night as the family gathered at Pepe and Meme’s house for their annual Fourth of July party. The view of town is amazing, and blue skies were promising to hold back the torrential rains long enough for our celebration. I took my vegetable trays and headed up the mountain. Traffic was terrible because the streets of our small town are simply not equipped to handle the volume of people who flood the downtown area to celebrate the Fourth of July.

I opted to take the back roads and made the two-mile trek in twenty minutes. I loved the party, but I was the only person there who had to come off the mountain after the firework display. I imagined it would take over an hour to get back to my apartment, so I decided it was best to head home early because I knew I would be able to see fireworks from my new apartment.

The drive home was much easier than the drive up the mountain, so I got home in plenty of time to catch the show. I looked over at the mountain from which I had just come and thanked God for my son and his sweet family. I wondered if I shouldn’t have stayed and not worried about the traffic. I noticed the parking lot beside my apartment was full of folks sitting on their cars, so the view promised to be a good one. The revelers were setting off their own little fireworks, and the kids were screaming with delight at each pop. When the big show started, I had to laugh. The fireworks appeared to be right in my front yard. I had the best seat in town and decided perhaps I should have hosted the party!

Today marks the sixth anniversary of mama’s death. I always think of her during the week of the Fourth because she gained independence from her pain on the fifth of July. I felt her presence in a powerful way last night. I saw her eyes as Mylah looked at Tyler when he threatened to take a bite of her apple pie. I saw her smile on Lilly’s face when she sat with Gina and ate her pie and ice cream. I felt her love when I looked at my son and thought of how very much I love him. I also knew mama was getting a kick out of the special show taking place right in front of me. I had some difficult lessons last week, and she knew I was experiencing a new kind of freedom myself, one that wasn’t easy on my heart. She and God knew the Fourth of July craziness was just the distraction I needed.

I’ve been in my new place for four months now, and I absolutely love it. I took this photo from Pepe’s porch  and love it because it beautifully captures Bryson City. The town captured my heart decades ago when I took a job at Alarka Elementary in 1976. The 120 students ranging in age from five to thirteen won my heart and made me feel right at home. I had so many wonderful students over the years, and they still make me feel at home. They have children and grandchildren of their own now and seeing my precious students, grand students, and great-grand students everywhere I go reminds me that I am completely surrounded by love. That’s a very sweet feeling!

Entitled or Enlightened

There is a world of difference between entitlement and enlightenment. I hear a great deal about entitlement from miserable people. It seems entitlement is the source of all society’s ills. Some say the poor are entitled while others put the same label on the wealthy. Entitlement is an equal opportunity enabler that attaches itself to anyone looking for what they believe they deserve.

When it comes to getting what I deserve, I thank God each day that I do not. I’ve learned to end my prayers with, “Please don’t give me what I want, Lord. Give me what you want for me and let the desires of your heart become the desires of mine.” That brings balance and peace and takes me out of my little world. It is the first step to enlightenment.

Enlightenment allows me to see my desires in a new light. Christ’s precious love changes the direction of my heart by allowing me to see myself as God sees me, and that opens up a new way of living and loving. Enlightenment looks outside of self to a world larger than I can imagine on my own. God’s enlightenment brings peace in turmoil and joy in troubled times because I know He is always with me.

Entitlement turns my attention inward. I deserve my piece of the pie and my time in the lamplight. That leads to violence and despair because I will never have or be enough. I will begin to want what others have, and I will do what I have to do to get it. The vicious cycle of violence will continue as long as I allow entitlement to have its way. I want my way; we all do, and that is why the world is the way it is. I point fingers at those who have different ideas of entitlement, and that polarizes and perpetuates the never-ending cycle.

Christ breaks the cycle of entitlement and brings a new world of enlightenment to all who allow His precious love to transform them. It isn’t easy to let go of entitlement, and no one knows that better than Christ. He laid aside His crown and became a helpless newborn to bring the light of His Father’s love to a world spinning out of control. He knew where the cycle led, and he knows it still leads there today. Christ will not force His enlightenment on the world because He knows force and enlightenment cannot exist together.

Entitlement forms alliances, and alliances become groups. Groups carry banners and spout venom at those who have a different form of entitlement. Their entitlement becomes a right to believe or do whatever suits the group. Enlightenment fades away when individuals become a faceless mob in a never-ending, hostile takeover. Christ offers a different way to live and relate. It isn’t easy to leave groups because there is a safety in anonymity, but Christ knows the heart and soul is lost in a mob. He stepped away from the mob in a radical move that shook and shifted the very foundation of this world so I could share the enlightening power of His love.

I can have my piece of the pie, or I can have the peace Christ offers. It is, and always will be, my choice. I don’t always make the right choice, but I feel the beautiful difference when I do. When my heart is balanced by Christ’s precious love, the world stops spinning around me. I may not always enjoy or understand God’s spin on things, but I’m a lot less dizzy when I come to the still place of peace His Son’s love offers.

New Morning

Lamentations 22-23 is a beautiful reminder that each day is new in God’s heart. May the same be true in my heart.

The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness. (NASB)

If I allow God to write these words on my heart, my life will be a beautiful reflection of His love. I’m on Topsail Island with my sisters, and God gave a vivid image of that reflection.

Topsail 6-14-15

Ready for Some Rain

Love is a river

Flowing through the desert.

Bringing new life,

Changing everything.

God’s promises spring from deep love. I don’t appreciate His love as I should, and that is particularly true when I find myself wandering in the desert of my own desires. God knows the desert is the perfect environment for transformation because it creates a deep thirst that causes my heart to forget my wants and search for His living water.

Psalm 105:41-42 paints a beautiful picture of that water.

He split open a rock, and water gushed out
    to form a river through the dry wasteland.
For he remembered his sacred promise
    to his servant Abraham. (NLT)

I end up in the desert each time I search for answers I want to hear. God lets me wander in the wasteland because He knows I will find what I always find. Nothing but His love satisfies my heart’s thirst.

I was drenched by a downpour as I watched several baptisms on Sunday afternoon. I decided to walk after the storm passed over and got soaked on my way home by another. I let the rain wash over me before going inside because I was already saturated. I looked up, smiled, and realized God knew my heart was ready for some rain.
Living Water

A Straight Gait

My gait has been off lately, and that’s forced me to focus upon my walking. I injured my left knee in junior high while doing a running broad jump, and it reminds me of that fall when I get a little over zealous. In March, I did enough damage to cause a limp. I favored my right leg for two months, and my limp stayed on after my knee healed. I didn’t notice it until last weekend when several folks asked me why I was limping. I decided it was time to straighten up my gait.

Focus is the key to correcting a bad habit, and my limp had evolved into one. I decided to walk slowly, keep my back straight and be mindful of my balance. It was going pretty well, but I wasn’t seeing or feeling the progress I desired. The process was painful because lazy muscles were having to pick up the slack, and dominant ones were having to give up control. It literally felt like a battle between my legs and me. The right wasn’t giving up control, and the left was cool with that arrangement. I was determined to get both in a straight line!

Fate intervened when I injured my right leg on Sunday. I was standing on my bed while putting up a curtain rod, and the phone rang. It was in the kitchen, so I walked over to the end of the bed and stepped down. I immediately felt the strain on my right leg. It hadn’t stretched like that since junior high, and it was not enjoying the lead in that moment of strange movement. I felt like kicking myself, and both legs agreed wholeheartedly. My stupidity had caused an injury to my “good” knee!! I had to smile in the pain because I realized this was definitely going to move my gait to the left!

Thank God my knee was not injured at all, but my pride and the muscles in my right leg were throbbing. The great news is that my gait is getting straighter by the day. It isn’t easy to focus on each step, but it’s worth the effort. The lessons of late have been about finding balance and getting my heart centered. Like my legs, it’s leaned and limped on both sides.

God knows I am a visual learner who needs hands-on experiences to fully grasp the lessons He has for me. I know He didn’t cause the injuries that led me to learn the importance of balance; my careless choices did that. I was showing off on the track decades ago, and I wanted to save a few seconds on Sunday when I raced for my phone. I got everyone’s attention when I landed on my knee, and I made it to the phone on time; but those decisions had consequences that went well beyond the moment in which they were made, as do all choices.

I’m not sure what God has in mind for me, but I know He wants my heart to be centered in His Son’s precious love. The center is where He is, and my heart’s gait will never be straight until I get there. That means making sure every step leads me a little closer to where He is.

imatter.silvercross knee pain

photo credit:imatter.silvercross.org

Angels and Ancestors

When I wake in the wee hours of the morning, I imagine those who came before me and let their love and prayers surround me. The beauty of love and prayers is that they never go away. Once prayed, a prayer lives on forever. My ancestors prayed for me, and I pray for my son, his family, and my grandchildren’s children and grandchildren. I believe in the power of prayer because I have felt its presence in my own life.

I’ve asked God thousands of times during the past thirty-five years to give His angels watch care over my son. I pray the same for his family, and will continue to pray for them as long as I am here and when I am with God. Christ is sitting at the right hand of God, His Father, praying for us. That is a humbling thought. Love and prayer join beautifully in the heart of a mother, father, grandparent, great-grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc..  God hears and holds each one of those prayers.

Hearts and lives are transformed by the prayers of angels and ancestors. I do not believe we become angels when we die. Angels are not humans who have passed into heaven; they are an entirely different entity, but I know they love and protect us because we are God’s children. I’m sure they are intrigued by humans. They celebrated Christ’s birth with abandon and showed themselves to the shepherds near Bethlehem because they could not contain their joy.

Angels and ancestors are not the same, but they do share a love for God and for us. I feel a connection with those who are still living, and I feel a connection to those who are with God. It brings me so much comfort to think about Benoni, Dice Ann, Flave, Anna, Jasper, Lilly Belle, mama, daddy, and all those who have paved my path with their prayers. I cannot imagine not having them in front of me on this journey, but if I didn’t have those dear ancestors, I would still have God, His Holy Spirit, and Jesus to pave the way for me. They are my ancestors thanks to Christ’s precious love, so I will never have to be alone.

When I woke at five this morning, I smiled and thanked the precious loved ones I knew and those I never met. I tell them I can’t wait to see them so we can watch the coming generations together. I plan to pray with all my heart now and in heaven. The call to pray is a powerful call. I used to think prayer wasn’t enough, but I’m learning it’s like putting money in the bank for those I love. The interest accumulates at a very high rate over the centuries, and the balance just keeps growing in my heart and in the hearts of those for whom I pray.

Power of Praying

Prone to Wonder

The second saying in the Gospel of Thomas resonates with my heart because I am, always have been, and pray I always will be, prone to wonder.

“Jesus said: He who seeks, let him not cease seeking until he finds; and when he finds he will be troubled, and when he is troubled he will be amazed, and he will reign over the All.”

Wonder does, indeed, lead me into the troubling waters of confusion where God finds and takes me to a place I never could have found on my own. The Holy Spirit ignites wonder in my heart and stills my heart so I can hear the answers God has for me. His answers are never the ones I expect, but He patiently helps me see that He knows what I do not. I have also been prone to wander off when I don’t like or understand those answers, but He is faithful to bring me back to where He is. Wandering is part of the wondering process, and I’ve done more than my share.

Questioning and wondering are two very different processes. As wondering increases, questioning decreases. My faith grows when I understand that I don’t have to understand. It is the most difficult lesson I’ve had to learn because it required a shift in control. Wanting what I want destroys wonder because selfish searching leaves no room for wide-eyed wonder. Learning focuses upon getting as I question, but it is about receiving when I wonder.

There is a world of difference between getting what I want and receiving what God wants for me. He will let me live in either world because He will not force His love or His desires on me. I am learning to pray for His will and way and for the desires of His heart to become mine. I have also been ending my prayers with the plea, “Please don’t give me what I want dear God; give me what you want for me.” That simple prayer is changing me and filling me with wonder when I don’t see the way as clearly as I would like to see it. I know He has wonderful plans in mind, and I’m beginning to see that not knowing leads to the sweet amazement Jesus has in store.

Defining Moments

I am looking prayerfully at the defining moments in my life, and that’s helping me make sense of my journey. I have a penchant for paths that offer safety and allow me to hide. I grew up on a street that led to another right before it ended mysteriously. The dead end was clearly marked with a caution sign, but I couldn’t resist sneaking peaks at the old Victorian house falling apart in the midst of what had once been an impressive yard. Rumors were that the house was haunted, and the woman who lived there was a witch.

Mrs. Norton certainly looked like a witch with her long nails, crazy hair, tattered clothing, strange hat, and heavy make-up. My youngest sister and I loved to go down to look at her house and went inside once when she asked if we wanted a book. The inside of the house was in worse shape than the outside. Holes punctuated a floor completely covered with books, papers, and boxes piled high. Mrs. Norton was hiding from the world, and part of my heart could relate to her plight.

I didn’t know she was a former teacher who decided to retreat from society when her husband died, but I connected to her unhindered spirit and her fear of the world. She talked and sang when she walked up and down the street to get what she needed from the world, but she stayed hidden away the rest of the time. Some of the neighborhood kids made fun of her, but she never seemed to notice. I guess her years in the classroom helped in that regard.

A part of me envied Mrs. Norton’s freedom. She or her house never scared me, but I never went back for another visit. My sister and I endured a harsh scrubbing and a a long lecture when we arrived home, and Mama promised to tell daddy if we ever went back. It was Mama’s fear that kept me from returning to Mrs. Norton’s house. I didn’t want to scare my mama; like me, she was scared enough.

There are defining moments in every life that lead to dead ends, open roads, busy highways, and ditches. I’m learning my heart will only thrive where God’s love intersects with His world. Christ’s precious love abides in the center of a very busy intersection. In the world, intersections are not places to dwell; they are places to rush through or avoid when possible. Walking in God’s kingdom gives intersections and dead ends new meaning.

I am not always comfortable in the intersection, but I know I will become more comfortable as I come nearer the center where there is but one definition of who I am and Who God Is. In that beautiful moment when the journey takes its final turn, there will no longer be any doubts about direction. Until then, I know God wants His children to come together and love as His Son loves. When that happens, the journey will have new meaning and direction will be defined as never before.

The Center