Category: Children

Monkeying Around =]

When I came home from small group last night, the kids were coming downstairs. Tyler was underneath the stairs swinging from one of the steps and laughing. Lillyann’s reaction was to hurry down and do the same. I joined in the joy and told them I didn’t realize we had monkey bars in the house!! Mylah giggled and wanted to try. She couldn’t reach the step she wanted, so I pointed to a lower step and told her to watch her head. She did bump her head as she imitated daddy and La La, but she was still laughing and pointing to her head because she was part of the action. Walking in God’s kingdom is about being part of God’s plan, and like little Mylah, I am happy to be part of something I don’t have to understand or get right to enjoy. I know love when I feel it, and God’s kingdom is all about love:)

Tyler looked at me and said, “If we buy this house, we could put a chin bar right here:)” Mommy told us that only children would be chinning on the stairway:) Sometimes a little monkeying around is necessary; it keeps me from falling into the sin of taking myself too seriously. Jesus bids me to be as a child when I enter His kingdom. That means following, trusting, and being filled with wonder. I wondered last night why I hadn’t thought of swinging on those stairs, and I’m sure Lillyann was thinking the same thing! It was wonderful to see my son swinging from them, and even better to watch Lillyann grab on and enjoy:) Jesus says it best in Matthew 19:14

But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” NASB 

It’s a beautiful blessing to share the journey with others, but it is also humbling to remember that there are little monkeys watching what I do. I pray I will love as God desires so Lillyann and Mylah will see Christ’s precious love in me and want the same. I pray the same for all those in my path. Walking in God’s kingdom is a journey filled with love, hope, peace, and joy. There are sweet moments of joy, and there are times of sorrow. Knowing I am not alone makes the joy sweeter and the sorrow bearable. Sharing love is what the journey is all about. The way I share it is my witness to God’s world. May I glorify Him as I share the love He has so bountifully given me!!

You Aren’t Going to Keep That, Are You??

I never tire of watching Lillyann and Mylah interact. God showed me last night that I often share with Him the same way they share with one another. They are still learning, and so am I, the difference between giving away and lending. Mylah and I were watching “The Jungle Book” while Lillyann visited with Mere. She would hold out a little Cheerio for me and then quickly put it in her mouth if I tried to eat it. It’s a little game to her, but it’s a little game that taught an important lesson. Sometimes, if I’m quick enough, I can get that little Cheerio before she has time to snatch it back. She doesn’t like it at all when I do that and sometimes gets upset. I’m the same way with God.

When I give something to God, I find myself saying, “You aren’t going to keep that, are you?” I’m ashamed to say that I’ve let go as little Mylah and reacted with the same frustration when He does keep it. Giving things to God involves truly letting go. Mylah will offer and offer and even push a Cheerio in my mouth if I shake my head and say, “No thank you!” She wants me to want it so she can snatch it away, put it in her own mouth, and then giggle. It’s all part of her game, and I am guilty of sharing with God in the same manner.

I want to give all to God, but I don’t want Him to keep it. It’s easy to give away what I don’t want or need but harder when it’s something I want. God often gives back what I have given Him, but it is not the same. He gives my space and stuff a new dimension and does the same for me. His ways are higher than I can imagine, and I’m slowly learning to truly let go and not push my Cheerios into God’s mouth when He isn’t playing the way I want to play:)

Lillyann came home last night loaded down with goodies from her day with Mere, and she handed Mylah some things she had gotten for her. When Mylah wanted Lillyann’s precious flashlight, the atmosphere took a turn for the worse. Mere and I had to convince Lillyann that Mylah was just going to play with it for a little while. She relaxed a bit, but I could tell that she wanted to make sure she was going to get it back. Again, I saw myself in her trepidation. All worked out well when I put the little light back where it stays, and we settled in to finish the movie and “share” Cheerios:)

If God offered me the opportunity to go back to Ash Wednesday, I wouldn’t change a thing. The space and stuff I’ve given Him have made room in my heart for what He has in mind. The lessons have been hard ones, and the hurt is still healing. Learning to trust Him and walk in His kingdom in a way that glorifies Him has been, is, and will continue to be, worth the hurt that came, comes, and will always come when I share as He desires.

 

I Want Somebody to Carry Me

This morning as the girls were heading upstairs, Lillyann stopped halfway and said, “I want somebody to carry me.” She didn’t scream or fuss; she just wanted somebody to pick her up. I am the same way myself at times and could sympathize with her. Mommy encouraged her to come on up; I did the same and went down to my room. She waited for a little while, but went on up when she heard the sounds of mommy fixing breakfast and Mylah calling, “La La?” Getting stuck in the middle is not the same as finding the center:) Lillyann forgot all about being stuck when she heard the love up above. God’s sweet voice has the same effect upon me when I find myself in between and wanting Him to carry me.

The middle child knows all too well what being stuck in the middle means, and the middle-school student knows it even more clearly. As a middle child who taught middle school for thirty-three years, it is a feeling that I have to make sure doesn’t define me. The center represents balance, but the middle means in between. They are so alike, but so very different!! Middle children, myself included, have the tendency to mediate. Older and younger children might call it meddling:)

Like Lillyann on the stairs this morning, I want to be carried when I find myself stuck in between where I’ve been and where I’m going. Walking in God’s kingdom is a spiraling upward process, and there are times when I need a nudge. There are other times when fear forces me to stop and cry out. Christ will carry me when I cannot go on alone. If Lillyann had truly needed to be carried, both Gina and I would have come running; but we both know better than to help when she needs to go on her own. Christ knows the same about me. If we are carried all the time, we would lose the ability to walk at all. Good intentions often cripple those we think we are helping. God knows I must find His way before I can move nearer to Him and to those in my path. He provides the Holy Spirit and Christ’s precious love as guides on my journey and gives me just what I need just when I need it. I love that about Him.

Lillyann scooted quickly up the steps this morning when we left her alone, and the sweet sounds of playing together soon filled my heart. There’s nothing I enjoy more! God feels the same way when He sees His children moving forward and finding fellowship with one another. The sound of love is the sweetest sound in this world, and I know it is just a tiny taste of the love I’ll hear in heaven. As those sounds upstairs spurred Lillyann upward, so do the sounds of heaven spur me on when I find myself stuck. Walking in God’s kingdom is about learning, and the most powerful lessons are those I learn when stuck on the stairs:)

Surrendered and Surrounded:)

Before heading to dinner last night, I decided to take some photos since it was a special occasion. I told the girls I wanted to hold them one at a time for a picture with Gigi. Of course, they both wanted up at the same time. Tyler and Gina can handle both at once, but I’m not quite there. I was holding Lillyann, and little Mylah wanted in on the action too. I told Gina to hand her to me quickly and not get very far away as Tyler took the picture. The girls giggled, and I strained; but their sweet hugs gave me strength. Love enables me to do what I don’t believe possible:) God is love, and He makes all things possible. The love I give and receive changes me in powerful ways. Walking in God’s kingdom is walking in love, and I’m finding that allows me to do the impossible.

Philippians 4:13 is a favorite verse of mine, and God placed it in my path this morning as I thought of how I’ve changed over the past two months. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (NASB) I refer to that verse when I fear I won’t be able to what God is asking me to do, but I am beginning to see it as a call to accept the love and help He offers through Christ and the Holy Spirit. God’s love manifests through His Son and His Spirit, and I have access to its power when I accept the love He offers and let Him surround me. Love is the key to walking in God’s kingdom, and His love allows me to walk without having to understand, to trust without having doubts, and to find the sweet joy that comes from surrendering completely to His will.

When I surrender to His will, His love surrounds me in the most beautiful way. I love it when Lilly and Mylah both hug me at the same time. They are a big part of the beautiful love God has placed in my life as I walk in His kingdom and love as He desires. It’s been a tough time of transition for me as I’ve come out of my comfort zone, let go of my desires, and embraced His will; but the joy I’ve found has been worth it. God won’t surround me with His love until I surrender and trust Him completely. God used the girls as a sweet reminder that all things are possible when I allow Christ’s precious love to surround me. It a simply magical feeling, and I love every moment:)

Surrounded

Love Shared is Love Squared:)

Thirty-three years ago today, my son Tyler was born. My students at Alarka Elementary were giving me a baby shower when I realized he was on his way. Tyler wasn’t due for another two weeks, but he and God had different plans. Emily Harris was the school nurse, and she told me that I was, in fact, in labor. Shirley Loftis began timing my contractions and whispering ‘Jesus’ after each one:) I continued to party with my students and ignored the worried looks from my colleagues.

I learned an important lesson in cockiness that day as I told those around me that the pains were barely noticeable. I was sure it was going to be an easy delivery. Around ten o’clock, Mrs. Harris was told me that I needed to get to the hospital. Shirley told me the contractions were coming every five minutes, so I went to tell Mr. White that I needed to leave. He agreed wholeheartedly and urged me to leave immediately. Lawana Almond took me to my doctor’s office, and the wait began.

Dr. Han was calm and said he wanted to keep me at his office as long as possible. At noon, my water broke, so we all went to the hospital. My contractions were one minute apart and very intense. I knew it would be over soon and just kept on breathing. Billy and I had gone through Lamaze classes, so we knew the drill and prepared to get this baby into the world. He told me when the contractions were coming, and I did the breathing exercises as prescribed. I also learned a powerful lesson in knowing what to do and actually doing it which always applies beautifully to walking in God’s kingdom:)

Tyler was a big, strong baby who weighed an ounce shy of nine pounds. He was anxious to get here, so he pushed up and over the birth canal. His was out of position and struggled to no avail to get free. Dr. Han reached in and repositioned him just as God repositions me when I get ahead of myself:) At eight o’clock, Dr. Han convinced me to have an epidural for the pain, and at 10:10 pm on Friday, April 18, 1980, Tyler Proctor joined my journey. He was screaming loudly but stopped immediately when he heard my voice. It was humbling to watch his little eyes try to focus as he looked toward me, and I think of that moment when I know God is there but have trouble seeing Him. I am reassured by His voice and His presence as Tyler was with mine. Dr. Han placed Tyler on my stomach, and he stared and listened intently. Again, I think of God when I recall that moment because it is when I began to understand His love for me. I was taking part in God’s creation, and He used my precious son to take love to a new level.

I thank God every day for my sweet son and the girls he loves so dearly. I share my journey with his daughters in mind, so it’s important to let them know how their daddy came into this world. Last night, as I watched him and Gina playing and squealing with the little girls they both adore, my heart just melted. Mama told me once there was nothing better than a grandchild. I told her there was no way I could love anyone more than Tyler, but she grinned and told me to just wait. She was right, as usual, and I love Lillyann and Mylah more than I thought possible. My love for Tyler grows as I watch him love his beautiful girls and watch them love him right back. Gina is a daughter to me; I love her dearly and refer to her as my daughter-in-love. They surround me with love and have taught me that love shared is love squared:)

Love Squared

Joy Comes in the Morning:)

“Weeping may last for the night,
 But a shout of joy comes in the morning.” (NASB)

Psalm 30:5 reminds me that God knows what’s best for me and will watch me pitch a fit or sniff sadly when I don’t get my way, but He will not give me what I want when I want it. I needed the reminder last night as Lillyann pitched a wailing fit for mommy in the middle of the night. I was frustrated by my inability to console her, and poor little Mylah just watched quietly.

God promises to be with me always, but He doesn’t promise to give me what I want. I’m sure it hurts Him to see me suffer, but He sees the joy that’s coming and knows the hurt will be greater if He succumbs to my wails. The shout of joy that comes from obedience is filled with thanksgiving when I come through the tough times and understand the lesson He has for me.  I always get something much better that what I wanted.

The problem with getting what I want is that it is never enough. If God gave in to my every whim and want, I would only find something else I had to have:) He’s a patient, loving parent who is willing to listen to my weeping and whining because He hears the shout of joy coming in the morning if I will trust and obey Him. Storms, like tantrums, come when two fronts collide. The worst storm fades and is soon forgotten as I look at the light and breathe in the fresh air after a storm. I love Psalm 30:5, and I find hope in the joy God promises in the middle of a stormy night of weeping.

Joy and God’s peace are far better than happiness and easy peace. God knows that better than anyone; He lived it out as His Son walked in His kingdom here. Christ cried out to Him on the cross, but God could see the joy that was coming on the morning of His resurrection. Christ chose to be obedient to the point of death, and the shout of joy when He rose is still being heard around the world:) I am eternally grateful and look to His example when it comes to obeying.

There is someone who delights in spoiling me. Satan tells me what I want to hear, gives me just what I want, and constantly tells me I’m right. That brings easy peace, but never satisfaction. The spoiled child will always yearn for the joy and satisfaction they will never find without obedience. It is a sad, unfulfilled life. Unlike earthly parents, God is able to give me everything I want, but He loves me far too much to do that.

I’ve learned to pray for His desires to become mine and for God to please not give me what I want! It is the cry behind the screams of every spoiled child. We are all working together to help Lillyann and Mylah learn to share and understand they cannot always have what they want. It’s not easy or popular, but we want them to have the joy that will come in the morning:)

How About a Be Bee?

I decided to listen to the Romper Room Do Bee Song because God’s message this morning is about being a be bee rather than a do bee. Yesterday, the girls and I were very aware of the bees all around us as we spent as much of the day as possible outside. The buzzing insects fascinated little Mylah but had Lilly a little concerned. I loved watching the big bumble bees surrounding the beautiful weeping cherry trees in the yard, but I was nervous as we passed the yellow jackets buzzing in the juniper. I am surrounded by bees as I walk in this world, and sometimes the do bees get to me.

As I heard the words to the little song that was drilled into my head as a child, I had to smile as I thought how little do bees turn into big pharisees:)

 The words “I always do what’s right. I never do anything wrong struck me.” Unfortunately, do bees still have the same mantra. Do bees have a tough life, and one that causes great disappointment when the those great expectations are not met. Unrealistic expectations are bad enough when imposed on ourselves, but they are even worse when extended to others. The do and don’t bees are absolutes, and in God’s kingdom there is only one absolute. God is God. I am not. God is perfect, and I am not. The need to be perfect before walking in His kingdom is the biggest obstacle when it comes to walking in God’s kingdom. When I exclude others if they don’t meet my standards, I’m in very dangerous waters. His kingdom is about learning to love and drawing nearer to Him and others in the process.

Knowing Who God is and understanding that I don’t have to be Him opens the door to His beautiful kingdom and allows me to be who He created me to be. God simply asks me to be, so I decided a be bee is best in His kingdom. Being present in a loving way does more good than all the little do bees put together. In fact, those do bees end up making others do what the girls and I did when we passed those yellow jackets-get as far away as possible!

Many Christians have a do bee mentality, and that only sets us up for the fall that inevitably comes when the do bees realize they will never be perfect. That’s when those little do bee fingers come out and point at other bees and say, “I may do this, but I don’t do that…” Do bees become judge bees, and the stingers come out. Those painful stings leave the world in worse shape than ever. Be bees share God’s love and all they have in a way that nudges the world a little closer to God’s kingdom. I told the girls yesterday that we were going to play and not worry about the bees until they caused a problem. I could have told them that we were not going to play or walk or ride in the wagon because there were bees out there. I could have caused fear, but I knew that would leave us inside looking out when we needed to be outside in God’s world.

Do bees cause many to stay away from God’s house and His work, and that breaks God’s heart. We are here to love and connect as God desires, and that leaves a beautiful mark on His world. The do bee stings hurt long after the pain and swelling leave, and they cause folks to run away when they realize they cannot live up to the unattainable expectations that come from always having to be right.

I plan to tell the girls that the bees are singing, and we should do the same as we walk in God’s kingdom. There was a noticeable difference in the tune and the tone of the bees. The little honey bees had a soft, sweet sound. The bumble bees sang loudly in those cherry trees, but the yellow jackets stuck together and buzzed a fearful warning to those coming near. Each be bee has a special song of praise for the Creator, and He loves it when His be bees sing in sweet harmony:)

Spiraling Upward

Pastor John helped me see that the path takes an upward spiral when walking in God’s kingdom and connecting as He desires. For someone who has gone in circles most of her life, the circular part of the pattern is familiar, but spiraling upward was more difficult for me to grasp. God used the vivid image of Lillyann and Mylah navigating the stairs to help me understand His lesson. The big difference in spiraling upward is that each time I come full circle, I nudge a nearer to God. The hard part is a willingness to move on to the next step. The great news is that I’m not alone. The Holy Spirit and dear friends encourage me to move upward. The sobering lesson is that I can easily spiral downward if I allow my attention to move away from God.

The last lesson on the path to the praying life hurt me very deeply, but it gave me the courage I needed to spiral upward. I must choose if I will spiral upward or downward on this journey. Hesitating on the step last week almost caused me to fall. Little Mylah is finding the same to be true as she navigates the stairway.

Connecting and traveling on the path to the praying life is about self differentiation and love. As I become who I am truly meant to be with the help of the Holy Spirit and those dear friends with whom I have honest communion, I come full circle and nudge a little nearer to God and others. Some do not appreciate the spiral and prefer bringing me down. The Holy Spirit enabled me to break free of the need to please and reach a new place of loving and praying. With His help, I am able to pray at a new level. It’s what spiraling upward is all about. As I learn to pray as Christ, I am able to let go of hurt.

Praying for those who hurt me may never make a difference in them, but it really does make a difference in me. I don’t have to fix or persuade anyone; I just have to extend lovingkindness, and the Holy Spirit will do the rest. It was a powerful lesson, but I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. Satan brought out the big guns last week, and my heart suffered as I forgot Who’s in charge and tried to handle what only God can handle. Not everyone is happy with the changes that enable me to spiral upward. I was concerned when little Mylah insisted on walking up the stairs before I thought she was ready. She would not back down, and I’m so thankful she didn’t let my fear keep her from moving up:)

I marvel at how God teaches, and pray I let Him guard my heart and the hearts of those I love dearly because guarding hearts is the work of the Holy Spirit. That was clear as God prepared my heart to pray as He desires. I’m not sure where the lessons will lead next, but I know living out the lessons in loving and praying will always be a big part of this beautiful journey.

God used the image of the winding staircase at the center of our new home to help me see that the path to the praying life is one that spirals upward. Walking in God’s kingdom is better with company, and seeing Lillyann encourage Mylah to keep trying reminded me that a little lovingkindness from a friend goes a long way when it comes to getting to that next step:)

Spiraling Upward Together

The Sound of My Own Voice:)

When I talk with a dear friend about what’s on my heart, I am often surprised by the sound of my own voice in an atmosphere of honest communion. As I returned to the week my mama died, I let out some frustration and found that I was hanging on to something I needed to release. I also realized my selfish need for the world of others to stop when mine does. It cannot, and I’m thankful God helped me see that this week. In fact, He made it clear that the world doesn’t ever stop. It brings me to my knees when it spins out of control, and it puts me flat on my face when I try to stop it. When I look up and remember Whose world it is and Whose child I am, I find the balance I need to walk and love in His kingdom here and now.

Yesterday was a fourteen hour day with the girls, and my patience wore thin as Lillyann refused to put away her Kindle, go to the bathroom, and lie down. Poor Mylah was awakened by the music at the end of her movie, so I had two girls awake at nine o’clock. I didn’t lose my temper, thank God, but I did wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just live somewhere else, pop in once in a while with some goodies and a little cooing, and be a different sort of Gigi. I really didn’t like the sound of my own voice in the atmosphere of impatience and knew that I wouldn’t trade living with and loving this sweet little family for anything in this world. Living and loving, like praying, requires a deep connection that is much more than once in a while. It is the forever love in 1 Corinthians 1-13.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or aclanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,  does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part;  but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.  When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. NASB

I told Lillyann that I couldn’t help her if she didn’t listen and obey. I could hear God in my own voice and had to smile. I am very like little Lillyann when it comes to obeying, and I know that getting her and myself where we need to be is not a simple task. I don’t want to take the easy path when it comes to loving God, Mylah, Lillyann, or anyone else, and I thank God for not taking the easy path when it comes to loving me. Love is not giving in or giving up. It is giving as I’ve never given before. The girls may not understand now, just as I often don’t understand God, but they will when it matters:) I plan to keep listening to God and doing what I know He wants me to do. That’s love, and that’s not always easy, but experiencing love at its truest level is worth whatever God asks me to do. 

I can do my best and love the best way I know how my entire life and be miserable in my failure at love, or I can love the way God loves and find Him in the love I have for myself and for those in my path. There is no self help book or video that explains love any better than the beautiful scripture above. God continues to bring me back to His Word and His way when it comes to loving because He is love and the best teacher ever. With His help, I’m learning:)

What I Ask For

There’s great truth in the advice to watch what you ask for because you just might get it. I am thankful God doesn’t give me what I want, and I’m slowly learning not to ask. Obedience is more listening than I like, but as I learn to listen, I’ve stopped asking and started trusting. God knows me better than I know myself and gives me what I can’t begin to imagine on my own.

The lessons yesterday reminded me of the need for contact. The day was one of disconnection, and I found myself alone as I worked and again when I came home. The kids went to play in Asheville, so I was home alone. As I sat in the sun, Cookie came bounding down, crawled under a space in the gate, and came over to see me. He sat with me for a while, but left when he saw I was going to sit instead of play. He prefers movement:) It’s good to have time alone, but I was ready for aerobics as I went to workout last night. There were only three of us, but it was great company, and my body welcomed it and the movement.

On Thursdays, I sleep with the girls to give Tyler and Gina time together. I love our special time together and especially needed the cuddling last night. I usually sleep with Mylah, and Lillyann sleeps in her bed. Last night, we all crawled into Lillyann’s bed, and I could tell both girls were excited about the new arrangement! I had the sweetest sleep I’ve had in a while. I was completely surrounded as both got as close as they could to Gigi. I thought it would be impossible to sleep in the confined little spot in the middle of that sweet pile, but I didn’t care. In fact, I told God as I prayed that the snuggling was much better than any sleep I might end up missing. Oh, me of little faith:)

I didn’t even finish the prayer I began before falling asleep and slept for ten hours. They stirred a little throughout the night, but they and I quickly settled back to sleep in that sweet circle of love. Waking up with them was icing on the cuddle cake I so badly needed after the lonely day. God knows my heart, and He knew I needed the sweet snuggling. I had to laugh at one point during the night and tell Him that my cup was running over, and He was just showing off. I’m learning that He likes to show off when I leave the asking to Him.

The praying life is a beautiful life that is teaching me to not only be careful what I ask for but simply listen and don’t bother asking at all. He is God after all and knows better than I when it comes to what I need;)