When I began this journey,
You were there.
In the midst of my darkness,
You were there.
In the silence of my heart,
You are here.
In the peace that comforts me
You are here.
Category: God
Rest in Peace
God’s healing brought a new rest to my heart, unfamiliar in that restlessness is absent. He left my heart as sore as it has ever been, but it isn’t broken or aching any more. The soreness, like the rest is a new sensation that causes me to pause as I notice the absence of aching. I’m not sure how long this soreness will last, but I pray the rest will never leave. There is nothing better for the body, soul, mind, and spirit than rest. I believe it is the stillness in Psalm 46:10. I’ve tried to find that sweet stillness but have been frustrated by its fleeting nature as I have caught a moment but been unable to hold it.
This rest is more than a moment; it is a state of being unlike anything I’ve experienced before. I struggled last week as God worked out the hurt buried deep in my heart. The exhaustion of the week along with facing the choices I have made in regard to my heart one at a time, but all in one week took the last bit of stubbornness and the need to retaliate right out of me. I was as depleted as ever on Thursday evening after aerobics, and I was ready to find a secluded spot and hide away. The beauty of God’s timing is that He placed that facing in a week filled with reminders of one beautiful choice I have made when it comes to love.
My son Tyler is an amazing man, and I love him more than life itself. When he puts his arms around me and tells me he loves me, my heart is never better. God knew I would need his sweet presence as I went through the ‘surgery’ He had planned for my heart. He also knew that having those sweet girls would help put my mind and heart right where they belong. Lillyann spent the night with me last night, and I love falling asleep with her next to me. She and Mylah know just how to soothe my heart, and God has made sure they were near me all week. Gina was a beautiful bride in my path this week, and she reminded me of what God wants for me when it comes to love. I haven’t ever seen myself as a bride. God does, and I plan to see myself in His light from now on.
It’s never easy to face my mistakes, but it is especially difficult to be confronted with so many in such a short time. I suppose it’s like the surgeon saying, “while I’m in there, I plan to…..” Well, the Master Surgeon took His two-edged scalpel, and while He was already in my heart, decided to go ahead and take care of all that needed cutting away. The soreness is similar to the feeling I get when I haven’t walked or exercised in while, and I call it good soreness. I welcome it as it reminds me to be mindful and remember that it is easy to fall back into those destructive patterns if I listen to the wrong voices.
The rest since Thursday has been just what my heart needed. My mind and body haven’t minded it either:) True rest is what God promises in Isaiah 26:3, and it is what my heart desires. I love that scripture, “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You.” That’s the peace and rest that allows me to be still and know that He is not only God, but He knows what He’s doing. Handing over my heart was not easy because it meant giving up my desires and embracing His. When I felt the rest that followed, I knew I had no desire to go back to the old restless aching. Just as walking in His kingdom doesn’t have to wait until I die, neither does resting in peace. I can do both now, and that’s a lesson I loved learning:)
Unrequited Love
God has more in mind for me when it comes to love, and He made that clear with a powerful image and lesson my heart so needed this morning. His love is the perfect example of love, and He knows the desires of my heart because they are the same as His.
I can’t control circumstances or people, and I wouldn’t if I could. My choices in regard to love have been ones that reflect the way I see myself. It is hard to break old patterns and stop listening to those voices from my past that say I am not worthy. My sisters advise me to stop listening to them, but they are familiar and even comforting at times.
Unrequited love is something God knows all about. Christ went to the cross with a love so beautiful that it needed no response. He knows response is up to the one loved. I am learning the same. Circumstances close doors, but they do not change hearts. I’ve been trying to change my heart in the face of those closed doors and asked God this morning to do what I cannot. He did just that as He helped me understand the cause of my heart problems.
I had a very unstable environment in childhood when it came to love. The unhealthy attachments between me and my parents in early life are at the root of my heart’s dysfunction. God showed me that my ex-husband wasn’t the only one with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I see that my intense need to be accepted and loved comes from the start my heart had in this world, and that knowledge is humbling and healing.
When I hurt but cannot find the pain’s source, I can think of nothing else. I lived with a terrible pain in my heart for sixty years; with God’s help this morning, I finally found the thorn in the core of my heart that was causing that pain. Letting God work that thorn to the surface was excruciating, but it was worth the suffering to stop the dull aching throb that came with every beat.
Many say unrequited love is necessary for creative works of art, music, and literature; Mary Ward calls it “the poetry of frustration.” There is truth in that thinking that I understand first hand, and God’s Word is filled with beautiful examples of such literary creations. His Son’s willingness to love completely and sacrifice all for those who would never even notice is the ultimate when it comes to expressing love without worrying about response. Sacrificial love is the highest on the love chain, and unrequited love will always inspire. Now that the thorn has surfaced, I can stop worrying about the source of that throbbing pain and find the life and love God has in store and express my heart’s desires in a new and beautiful way. I know there will be pain when it comes to love because by its very nature, love brings the greatest suffering as well as the greatest joy to life.
Seeing and understanding the truth allows me to love and live differently. Change is always difficult even when it means the absence of familiar pain. My heart is sore and may always be from the truth God applied today. I had breakfast with a fellow yesterday morning who showed us a place on his finger where a piece of metal had worked its way to the surface after an accident in Vietnam twenty years earlier. We all marveled at the miracle. I know the thorn in my heart would never have made its way to the surface without God’s intervening hand, and I know God knew that little piece of metal would be ready to the surface at the same time I would ask Him to work the thorn in my heart to the surface. He knows I’m a visual learner, and I love having an object I can see and touch to help me understand. I am amazed at how He works and teaches until He reminds me that He is God and does know a thing or two about love and me:)
Stumbling is Humbling
One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” That is the underlying theme this week as God has taken the circumstances in my path and used them to teach lessons as only He can.
Last night as I listened to Robbie Campbell describe the living conditions in the Dominican Republic, I was humbled and ashamed at the excess in my own life. There is more than enough for all in this world, but the hoarding that takes place keeps food from the hungry and fresh water from those who thirst. I always pray that God will let me hear Him as I go into a service or study His Word. The most important thing I heard last night was something I used to preach to my classes, there is something only I can do, and if I choose not to do it, it will be left undone. God calls each of us to do a work for Him that only we are able to do. That humbles and sobers as nothing else. There are those who will be hungry if I do not notice, those who will die from thirst if I do nothing, those who will not know of Christ’s precious grace, if I do not live it out in my own life, those who will die never reaching an intimate level of relationship with others or God if I do not reach out, and those who will give up without the encouragement I am here to offer.
God has prepared the path, but I must stay the course. I thank Him for dear friends who help me stay on track and keep me accountable. The messages this week have all been about the importance of forming relationships that go deeply into my heart and allow the honest communication necessary for that accountability. Love draws me nearer to God and helps me be a loving presence to those already in my path and those who will come into it. I’ve ignored the obvious when it comes to missions and missed opportunities to make a difference in my family and community by getting off the course God has prepared. I have stayed on the surface when it comes to relationships out of fear of being hurt again. I thank God for helping me see His will and hear His call; I pray I will find and stay at the depth He desires in regard to my heart. With His help and the help of those trusted friends sharing my journey, I know I can be the loving presence He needs as I learn and grow even in my stumbling. Perhaps I should say especially in my stumbling! Stumbling is humbling:)
Water is a Luxury
I hope you’ll take a moment to look at this website wateratworkministry.org and see how one group is helping make fresh water available with filtration systems set up in community centers and churches in the Dominican Republic. Robbie is a friend, and I admire her passion for helping those who don’t have the luxury of clean water to drink. She asked that we think of and pray for those without clean drinking water each time we turn on one of our many faucets. I plan to be more mindful of those who do not have clean water or sufficient food. God forgive us for forgetting them.
The Nearest Exit!
I always find the nearest exit when I’m in a hotel or a theater. I’m not sure why it’s so important in those places in particular, but I relax when my escape route is clear. I was reminded of that habit as I looked for the nearest exit for my heart for the second time this week. God opens and closes doors when it comes to my heart, but He also allows me to do the same. It’s a beautiful example of the freedom He gives as I walk in His kingdom. He showed me this morning that forgiveness is His escape route of choice. It is very near, but pride and fear keep me from opening it and allowing His healing to come in.
Lillyann is three and fascinated by shutting her door and locking it so Mylah cannot come into her room. I’m the same way at times when it comes to forgiveness and find myself in the same position as Lillyann did yesterday. She decided to go into mommy and daddy’s room and lock the door. I told her she could stay in there while Mylah and I played if she wanted to. In her hurry to get out, she found she couldn’t get the door open. There was a very brief moment of fear as she worked on the knob. I let her try to open it because I knew she needed to know how. It only took one more try before she got it open. She was both relieved to get out and happy that she opened it herself. I thought of her this morning as God reminded me to be careful about closing and locking doors. I can’t move on if I shut myself in or allow fear from keep me in or out of a place.
It’s necessary to move forward, and that may mean wiping the dust off my feet and not returning, but I’ve had enough locked doors and enough dust to last a lifetime. Like Lillyann, I sometimes want to shut a door and lock it, but like her, I quickly miss what’s going on without me:) God placed those in my path this week who have hurt me deeply and broken my heart. Coming face to face with them is the only way to deal effectively with the hurt, and God knows I need to do that. He also knows I need to unlock the door myself. The truth puts pretense in its place and allows the heart to let go of the need to retaliate. It’s what forgiveness is all about, and God reminded me this morning that forgiving as Christ is the nearest exit when it comes to my heart. It enables me to truly let go and be who God wants me to be.
Taking the exit God desires is never easy, but it brings me nearer to Him-right where I want to be. I got caught up in frustrations and fears yesterday, and I didn’t like what I saw or felt. When that happens, I know I’m off center and need to take the nearest exit and get right back where I belong. It doesn’t take much of a whirlwind to throw my heart off balance, but God offers an entrance to His presence if I’ll take the nearest exit find my way back to Him. He also knows it’s best for me to learn how to unlock that door myself:)
When A Door Closes….
I ended up on the Road to Nowhere this afternoon instead of my regular aerobics class. As I walked toward the door to the church, I just couldn’t go in. I had been outside with Mylah and Lillyann earlier in the day, and I did not want to go home and sit. I needed to exercise, but that door was definitely closed. I decided to call Rita and see if she wanted to walk up Indian Creek.
Rita lives on the Road to Nowhere and wanted me to come to her house and see the new curtains. She said we could walk down the driveway and take a short walk afterward. We ended up walking and talking for an hour. The views were breathtaking as was the walk on the extremely steep grade. It was just what my heart needed. God used the change in plans to teach me a very important lesson. When a door closes, the world opens up. I had to smile as He took the blindsiding I got earlier and used it to open my eyes to His handiwork and His will.
The lessons this week have been powerful ones about my family and my world. I’ve allowed myself to be confined and defined in ways that constrict and come between God and me. Today, He showed off on a wagon ride with the girls and an unexpected trip to Nowhere. For those of you unfamiliar with the famous Road to Nowhere, here’s a link to some amazing photos that will help you understand what God had in mind for me today, and what I would have missed if I had gone in that door and done repetitive exercises indoors: The Road to Nowhere
As I walked and talked, I looked at the beauty around me and realized that nowhere is the perfect destination. I talked earlier in the morning with a friend about the frustrations that come with not knowing what’s next in the path. God’s will isn’t about settling down in a building, mapping out a life-long plan, and then sitting back comfortably to wait until He comes or I go. It is about getting out into the world, finding His beauty, loving my family and friends, and taking time to just be with Him. I am guilty of sticking to the safety that the same routine offers, and God made it perfectly clear today that the lessons this week have been about changing that.
It’s ironic that folks literally travel from all over the world to ride on The Road to Nowhere. It’s only one example of the beauty I let get away from me each day. The girls wagon ride was another example of my not noticing the spectacular right before my eyes. Here is the view they see each day when they go out to play. Lillyann’s room looks out on some amazing views, and the horses are just icing on the cake. Her room is all about horses, and we played horses while I was there today. Take a look at what she sees when she looks out her window:
How in the world can anyone take that view for granted? God would like to hear my answer to that question:) The girls ran to the kitchen window several times today to look at the horses, and I went with them and enjoyed the horses and their delight in them. Sometimes, God has to close a door to get me out into His world. He bid me to come out and play today, and I’m glad that two little girls and a closed door nudged me in the right direction. Now, I pray I will do it on my own each and every day as I set out on the road God has in mind for me even if it isn’t the one I had in mind or is clearly marked “The Road to Nowhere:)”
I have to add another picture that I believe God would want me to include as I had a nice conversation with the fellow across the street from the kids before I headed home. I should have listened to what he and God were saying to me, but I stubbornly went down my own path to do the same repetitions I always do for exercise instead of getting outside on this spectacular day. I’m glad God closed a door so I could get out into His world and enjoy all He had in mind for me today. My new friend is very handsome and is filled with good old common horse sense. I love that in a man:)
Mylah High :)
When Gina came home from class yesterday, I stayed while she feed Mylah. Lillyann is sick, and I wanted to give her some special attention while Mylah nursed. Mylah is in the difficult process of weaning, so she was cut off before she was ready to stop. I love the sweet expression on her face after she nurses. I call it the Mylah high:) Her eyes are glassy, and her countenance expresses joy and peace and love all rolled into one. She has complete contentment, something for which we all search. My journey has lead me to many substitutes when it comes to finding the satisfaction my heart, body, soul, and spirt so crave. Yesterday, as Mylah and Lillyann slept on top of me, I finally found it. I learned this week that listening to and obeying God connects me to Him and His love in a way that is much better than a Mylah high:)
It’s easy to point fingers at those who do drugs because they are illegal and most folks don’t use them. It becomes a little harder to point to those with alcohol addictions and impossible to point at those who use food to get high. Workaholics are rewarded by society, and doers are dubbed saints in the church. We each have a drug of choice, but it never comes near the sweet satisfaction Mylah gets from nursing. God’s love is the only potion known to man that is better than mama’s milk. There is an unlimited supply; it’s free, and there are no harmful side effects. So why isn’t everyone running out to get some?
The problem is connecting and staying connected to the sweet source of God’s love and doing His will rather than mine or the world’s. Christ connects me to God’s love, and His Holy Spirit and Word keep me connected and help me find His will. Like everyone, I’ve tried many paths to contentment. They all left me either stuffed and miserable or drained and starving. Food is the safe drug of choice because churches not only condone gluttony, they encourage it. Fellowship around the table is essential to relationship, but the gathering often is more about filling than fellowship. The practice of having the Lord’s Supper together as a way of connecting to God and to one another has evolved into a plethora of platters filled with things that satisfy our bellies and have little to do with worship. Gluttony has become the sin of choice out of both convenience and frustration.
The world is like that platter of tempting food, and God’s will is the simple loaf and cup often left behind. His will becomes my project done on my time with with due credit and accolades expected. God’s simple will sits on the back burner. Activities replace relationship and it comes down to I’ll do it if you feed me. I’ll get around to it after work if I’m not too tired. I’ll do what’s expected if there aren’t any shows, games, practices or better offers in the way. I’ve chosen to do and do rather than drink in God’s sweet nourishing love, draw near to HIm, and do His will. Mylah will nurse anytime, anywhere, and any way. I pray I’ll have the same attitude when it comes to doing God’s will from now on.
Mylah needs nourishment, but she also needs to get close to mama and feel her presence. The same is true when it comes to God. He is Jehovah Jireh and will provide for all my needs, but He is also Adonai. Mylah is learning the hard lesson that she must transition to solid food and was absolutely adorable holding on to a little piece of cornbread and strutting around like a big girl yesterday. I spilled milk all over her shirt and scared her half to death when I had a bottle malfunction. I’m sure she was wondering why I even bother with the bottle when there is a perfectly wonderful alternative available. I wonder the same thing when I think about how God is on the back burner for so many when it comes to getting high. Mylah will eventually let go of the bottle and learn that it’s really mommy’s love that makes nursing so special. She will always have that. Her name means “My Love Always”, and mommy made it up:) God’s love is always there. Listening to His sweet voice and doing that which He places in my path is meant to help me draw nearer to God’s love. Love is what I have always sought, and in finding God’s, I’ve found my source of contentment.
I feel just the way Mylah looks each time I study God’s Word, pray, do His will, or just take time to be with Him. It’s even better than a Mylah high. As I do what God places in my path, I understand exactly how Mylah feels when she nurses. When I try to placate or pacify with that which the world places in my path, I feel just like Mylah did with milk all over her and the floor. God has shown me over the past week what it feels like to be closely connected and taking in His sweet love. As I have done His will and seen the results in my own heart and in the lives of those I’ve touched, I have achieved an even better high than Mylah.
I’m not getting weaned; I’m just getting started:) I’m addicted and pray that Mylah and Lillyann also get addicted to doing God’s will because it allows the fruit of His Spirit to grow beautifully. There’s nothing like it in this world:) The alternative is a sick belly that leaves me feeling the way Lillyann did yesterday. Nothing can satisfy when the tummy is twisted in a knot, and that’s what doing the world’s will feels like. Doing and doing just to do creates a big a pile of do do, and that isn’t pleasant for anyone. The way to tell the difference is there is bellyaching and do do in doing my will or the world’s. There is peace that’s better than a Mylah high when I’m doing God’s will.
God’s will isn’t difficult to find. Mother Teresa used to ask those who wanted to follow her and do what she did if there was no one in their home, their family, their neighborhood, or their community who needed them. She told them when there were none there, to come and see her. That was enough to humble, and I thought of her this week as God has reminded me of the many in my path who need a loving hand. Doing God’s will doesn’t bring attention or accolades, but it does bring the sweet sense of satisfaction that leaves me with glassy eyes and a state of contentment. Knowing my contentment will be complete when I come into His presence and spend eternity with God changes the journey and puts a bounce in my step as I walk in His kingdom now:)
Stillness
Stillness is ever waiting
For me to slow down my pace
To stop and take a moment
And forget about the race.
Often I have to be forced
To wait for a circumstance
Or be worn by weariness
To offer stillness a chance.
When I do stop to notice
I can hear a raindrop fall
And take in the tenderness
Of the One behind it all.
Between God and Me:)
Love is the only thing that matters when it comes to a wedding. Tyler and Gina’s wedding was a perfect example of that. I almost let all the activities and busyness of the week come between God and me, and I almost let the lesson in love He had for me slip away. I’m glad He persisted, and I’m thankful I finally understood His lesson last night. Weddings have the tendency to be busy, and this one was no exception. In the midst of the madness, God managed to quiet my spirit and touch my heart as never before. The images and lessons were clear, and His message was unmistakeable. All came together in a powerful way, and I found peace-filled relief as I listened to Him.
There comes a time when the only choice is letting go, and that letting go allowed me to draw nearer to God this week. I have a choice when it comes to doing and having what God desires. I can be obedient, or I can make the process more difficult for Him and for me. I do that by rationalizing, ignoring the obvious, and delaying Him with my persistent questions and need to know. Lillyann helped with that lesson this week:) The lessons were obvious and would have been comical had they not cut so very deeply into my heart.
I was powerfully reminded that the things which get to me most are the ones which touch upon a sensitive spot in my heart. That sensitivity is always about my refusal to learn a lesson or see a truth about myself. If someone particularly angers or irritates, that indicates there is something in them which I refuse to see in myself.
I got myself into a dither over nothing this week and didn’t like what I heard and saw, but I learned the truth God wanted me to see. The truth often hurts, and the pain of recognizing that I share the quality that brings judgment when I see it in others is beyond humbling. It is devastating. God is faithful, so when I was humbled and flat on my face before Him yesterday, He gently led me to a place of understanding. I am thankful that He is faithful to take my humility and use it to teach. Last night as I cleaned, I found healing in a way I cannot describe effectively.
I opened windows as I cleaned, and the air that came through them felt like the Holy Spirit Himself airing me out. I couldn’t get away from that October breeze no matter where I went in the house, and I’m glad. It cleared my heart and my sinuses:) I was as tired as I’ve ever been in my life when I got home after dark, and I had to smile when I realized I was breathing was better. I love it when God does that. I slept like a baby after the physical activity that was such a blessing to me. Last night was icing on the beautiful cake this week.
Speaking of cake, we never got to the groom’s cake at the wedding. Things were hectic, and it was left unnoticed. If it had been an ordinary cake, I would have tossed it, but it was a heavenly work of art, so I brought it home and put it in the refrigerator. I wanted to save it, so I cut it into pieces to put in the freezer for the kids. I decided to have a piece, and it was amazing! I have never eaten a better chocolate cake in my life!! I can’t wait until Tyler and Gina taste it this evening. I plan to have some waiting for them and know they will enjoy it even more than I did.
Difficult lessons are difficult for a reason. Most lessons God has in mind are not easy, but they are the ones I most need to learn. That late night chocolate was literally a sweet sticker God put on the week to let me know that He noticed that I did something hard and learned something valuable as a result. My students know how I feel about stickers, so they’ll understand just what I mean. Whether it’s one of Lillyann’s little yellow stars on the refrigerator, a smiley sticker in school, or an A on an important entrance exam, it all adds up to the same feeling. I did what I was supposed to do, and in so doing learned a valuable lesson. It’s nice when someone notices, and God never fails to notice because He is God the best teacher ever. Obedience does indeed lead to joy.
Here’s my facebook post this morning and the amazing image that helped me remember that when it comes to a groom and his bride, love is all that matters. The same is true for God and me, and I don’t plan to let anything come between me and my God:)
This beautiful image captures the love between Tyler and Gina. Just as with this wonderful couple, nothing must come between Christ and me. I let the waiting of this world and the scurrying around do that sometimes, but Gina and Tyler taught me that love is all that truly matters when it comes to a wedding. My favorite moment in the wedding was when they expressed that love to one another in the vows they prepared. “I vow to let nothing come between us, God, and our children, and hold this beautiful family under God as my guiding light from now until eternity.” When I heard that, my heart could only say amen and pray the same for all of us. Thank you Aaron for your sweet patient love that captured the image that sums it up so beautifully♥
journeywithgigi 