Category: Healing

What To Do With My Dash?

A friend reminded me this evening to think about what to do with my dash. It’s a simple question that made me stop and think seriously about the importance of that question. The dash is my life and refers to the little dash between my birth date and death date on my tombstone. I plan to be cremated, but you get the idea:) I’m afraid I wasn’t good company today because I decided to throw a pity party for myself and whine. Good friends come to those parties, listen to my heart, and love me anyway. I’m amazed because I don’t usually come away from them loving me! After hearing myself talk, I do come away from them with a desire to listen to God.

The changes since my sixtieth birthday have left me reeling and dizzy. I am so very thankful to be living in a beautiful home with my son and his sweet family. That change that has done my heart a world of good. There are times when I wonder if my heart will ever stop hurting. I remind myself that as long as I love, it will surely hurt.

The dash is about loving and living a life that my friend would say is worth living forever even if the dash represents only a tiny segment of my journey. The journey here is more like a dot than a dash, but it is an important time of learning. Learning is wonderful but comes at a great cost. I should know by now that anything worth having comes at a great cost. My salvation cost Jesus much, and He knows better than anyone about the hurt that comes from loving. I would rather love and hurt than not love at all, and I trust God to guide me when it comes to loving and learning.

What to do with my dash? Love as God loves and remember that the only thing that matters in this world and the next is loving Him, myself, and others. I don’t have to understand His love to embrace it, and I don’t have to understand His will to obey Him. In fact, not understanding is a prerequisite for learning to obey in a way that leads to joy. I am so thankful for the sweet friends God placed in my path today. Their love lifted my heart as His love does. Knowing I am not alone and that I am loved brings light to the darkness and hope to my heart.

What I Ask For

There’s great truth in the advice to watch what you ask for because you just might get it. I am thankful God doesn’t give me what I want, and I’m slowly learning not to ask. Obedience is more listening than I like, but as I learn to listen, I’ve stopped asking and started trusting. God knows me better than I know myself and gives me what I can’t begin to imagine on my own.

The lessons yesterday reminded me of the need for contact. The day was one of disconnection, and I found myself alone as I worked and again when I came home. The kids went to play in Asheville, so I was home alone. As I sat in the sun, Cookie came bounding down, crawled under a space in the gate, and came over to see me. He sat with me for a while, but left when he saw I was going to sit instead of play. He prefers movement:) It’s good to have time alone, but I was ready for aerobics as I went to workout last night. There were only three of us, but it was great company, and my body welcomed it and the movement.

On Thursdays, I sleep with the girls to give Tyler and Gina time together. I love our special time together and especially needed the cuddling last night. I usually sleep with Mylah, and Lillyann sleeps in her bed. Last night, we all crawled into Lillyann’s bed, and I could tell both girls were excited about the new arrangement! I had the sweetest sleep I’ve had in a while. I was completely surrounded as both got as close as they could to Gigi. I thought it would be impossible to sleep in the confined little spot in the middle of that sweet pile, but I didn’t care. In fact, I told God as I prayed that the snuggling was much better than any sleep I might end up missing. Oh, me of little faith:)

I didn’t even finish the prayer I began before falling asleep and slept for ten hours. They stirred a little throughout the night, but they and I quickly settled back to sleep in that sweet circle of love. Waking up with them was icing on the cuddle cake I so badly needed after the lonely day. God knows my heart, and He knew I needed the sweet snuggling. I had to laugh at one point during the night and tell Him that my cup was running over, and He was just showing off. I’m learning that He likes to show off when I leave the asking to Him.

The praying life is a beautiful life that is teaching me to not only be careful what I ask for but simply listen and don’t bother asking at all. He is God after all and knows better than I when it comes to what I need;)

Higher Than My Ways

It doesn’t surprise me that Isaiah 55:8-9 was in my path this week as God has been teaching me to trust Him and let go of what makes sense and embrace His plan even though I don’t understand. Here’s what God says through His prophet Isaiah:

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
 Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
 So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I’ve read that verse for decades during times of trial and change, but I’m feeling a freedom this week unlike any I’ve ever experienced. There have been many changes in my life over the past two months, and all of them have nudged me a little closer to God. My ways and thoughts tend to isolate me from the world or create unhealthy attachments. I’ve been hiding my entire life in some way or another. The bars change forms, but I’m finding that the gilded cage is even worse than the dark hole because it disquises itself as something better and makes me feel as though I’ve made progress.

God’s ways are higher because His vantage point is much higher. He sees the entire picture when I see only a tiny piece of one corner of the picture. He’s given me a glimpse of His glory this week, but He’s also made it clear that it is up to me to trust Him. That trust involves surrender, and surrender is never easy. Seeing His glory helps make the letting go possible, and feeling the freedom that freefall of faith brings encourages me to not only trust Him, but also obey in a way that brings the joy only a god of hope can bring.

David says it beautifully in Psalm 19:8.

“The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;


The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eye.”

His Word and ways are right, and when I look to His commandments and obey those precepts, I find joy as my heart rejoices in that obedience. It brings to mind verse 14 of that same beautiful psalm.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart


Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”

God’s Word reminds me that His ways are higher than mine and listening to and obeying Him results in joy unspeakable. He is my rock and my Redeemer, and that changes my mind and my heart in a way that changes me:)

The Cost of Obedience

Disobeying God comes at great cost, but obeying Him takes all I have. The lesson this week has been just that. He lets me do some of what He wants and some of what I want for as long as I want, but He refuses to give me the peace that comes when I surrender all, trust Him, and do exactly as He asks. I try to bargain with God and do a wonderful job of convincing myself that what I want is the really the same thing He wants. It makes perfect sense in my mind; but my heart doesn’t buy it, and neither does God. I gave up bargaining and put my persuasive techniques away this week.

Change is never easy, and a dear friend reminded me it’s what living is all about. As much as I would love to freeze a beautiful moment, I know I would not even if I could. God could leave us in those precious times, but He knows they would not be precious if He did. He doesn’t make me love Him or obey Him because He knows that only when I surrender and obey on my own will I find the peace and purpose He so wants for me. I cannot truly obey until my selfish tears and childish tantrums subside, and I surrender all to Him. Sometimes, I obey because I do not have a choice. The result is misery for me and for those I serve.

Obedience means being in God’s presence and living not only a praying life, but also a joy filled one. Change is part of the journey, and getting outside my comfort zone is the only way I can remember to surrender. I can refuse to change and stay where I’m comfortable, or I can trudge along in misery. It’s my choice. God will not make me go where He bids, but His peace stays with Him when I walk off on my own. The cost of His peace is obeying Him, and the cost of obeying Him is dying to self and trusting Him completely.

My heart breaks as He calls me away from my comfort zone and into His will. Fear causes me to hesitate, but my love for Him enables me to get past those fears and let those tears clear away all that is in His way. I know God will bless me as never before as I trust and obey. As the beautiful hymn by John H. Sammis says, “there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus.” I want to be happy in Jesus and find the joy He has for me. Obedience is expensive, but it is well worth the cost. Disobedience is a little cheaper, but it never satisfies and always leaves me wanting more.

So Much Easier to Just Talk

It’s much easier to talk than listen, and I’ve talked more than I’ve listened throughout my life. The need to fill empty space and the fear of what I will hear are at the root of my chattering. There was a doll named Chatty Cathy when I was young, and I ended up with the nickname myself because of my constant babbling. I noticed a difference in my praying this week as I stopped talking and heard God’s voice in the space I left unfilled.

For Lent this year, I decided to give up space to God. I was having a hard time being still until I came to the place of not knowing what to say this week. It wasn’t the same as being dumbfounded; I’ve been there many times. This was coming to a place of decision and not knowing what to do or say. When lost, it’s much easier to listen to directions. As I heard God saying what He’s been saying for a long while, I knew He would let me continue down my path if I wanted. He certainly knows I do that most of the time. I also knew that I was tired and lost and ready to hear and obey.

It’s easier to talk when it comes to praying for the same reason it’s easier to talk period. If I talk, I won’t run the risk of hearing what I don’t want to hear. If I talk, I might convince myself that my path is the right one. If I talk eloquently enough, I might just convince God. Well, that’s as silly as it sounds and never works. He’s been so patient with me, and I thank Him for letting me come to a place of obedience on my own. It’s the only way to obey. God and I both know that. God never forces me to love Him or obey Him because He knows that isn’t true love or obedience.

It’s easier to have someone tell you what to do, believe, be, etc. The trouble with being told or forced is that I get wistful and wonder what if? That leads to bitterness and then anger. When I decide for myself, I get heartbroken and hurt. That leads to brokenness and openness and enables me to grow and move on as God desires. The tears give way to resignation, and resignation turns to faith as I forget my own desires and understand He knows best. “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the word of Christ.” (Romans 10:17 NASB) 

Christ’s bids me to be like a child, and I’ve certainly felt like a contrite child this week as I have struggled to convince God I’m right. When I got finished talking and didn’t know what else to say, He quietly said what He’s said over and over again. This time, I listened, trusted, and obeyed. It’s hard to leave the known and step into the unknown, but it’s even harder trying to convince God I know better than He does when it comes to my heart. The good news is that when I obey, I feel a peace that is indescribable. It eases the pain and makes listening a little easier the next time I am lost.

It’s easier to talk than to listen. It’s easier to listen than to trust. It’s easier to trust than to obey, but it’s best to remember that God knows what He’s doing and obey in the first place. Maybe one day, I’ll take that advice to heart and use it myself:)

Under His Wings

When I’m feeling lost or disconnected, Psalm 91:4 comforts me with the beautiful image of being tucked lovingly under the very top of God’s wing. I wish I could find the photo a friend sent me years ago of a mother hen with a tiny little peep literally peeping out from under the top of her wing. I could barely see the fuzzy yellow head, but I knew that little chick was safe and loved. God had me right where that mama hen had her precious chick this morning, and it was a wonderful feeling.

Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.”

Last night, I was feeling as disconnected as I’ve ever felt in my life, and I desperately needed the shelter of God’s wings. When I stopped wiggling, He tucked me safely under His wing until my heart stilled and my fear subsided. It’s funny how my perspective changes when I’m under His loving wing. I cannot stay underneath His powerful wing all the time because I would never grow or learn if I did, but it is comforting beyond words to know that His wing is there when I need refuge or a respite.

I am empowered by the rest God so graciously gives, and I also love that He knows when to tuck me under that wing and when to let me wiggle and run in circles. I sometimes need the exercise running in circles affords because it tires me out and gets me still enough to be tucked in:)

Remember When?

At worship on Sunday morning, I was asked to remember the time I first fell in love with Christ. My heart immediately went back to April 17th, 1964. I understood that Christ loved me enough to die for me, and wanted to love Him back with all of my heart. My journey took me away from His precious love for a long time, and I recalled that dark time as well yesterday as I found myself unable to pray or write. It was a terrible state very like hell. Hell is separation from God, and I had a bitter taste of that yesterday as I wallowed and whined in my own self pity.

I’m thankful my separation from God was only for a day, and I thank Him for reminding me of the time when we first fell in love. I found myself thinking of other times I had fallen in love. There were three, but I could only recall specific moments and dates for one. I know that’s because I’ve only experienced true love once. The memories brought both sadness and joy. I loved reliving those sweet moments of finding love, but my heart filled with excruciating pain as I thought of losing it. It was a taste of hell just as the love had been a taste of heaven. I don’t know if I will ever find true love again. I’m not sure if I can have that level of love more than once in this life. I am positive I don’t want my heart to go through that level of pain ever again, but I know God will help me sort it all out.

At the end of the service on Sunday, the invitation was to think again about that time I fell in love and accepted Christ’s love as my own. I do remember when, and I thank God that I have His love forever. Recalling the pain of losing love was a sobering reminder that I am the only one who can end my relationship with Christ. I know I can turn from Him because I’ve done that before, and I do not plan to ever do that again. My day away from Him yesterday was interminable as I found myself back in that terrible desert of separation.

God taught a beautiful lesson and brought much healing with the simple exercise of remembering when. Remembering when I met and fell in love with Him put all things into perspective. I marvel at how He gave me just what I needed just when I needed it. His love transcends and transforms in ways I cannot begin to understand, but I truly appreciate that love and the love He allowed me to experience while on this journey. There is joy as I remember my salvation, and that is beautiful hope in Psalm 51. I wasn’t surprised when He placed that particular psalm in my path this morning.

Hear God’s love and healing in verses 10-12. I pray I will have a willing and obedient spirit as His love leads me in His direction.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
 And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me away from Your presence 
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
 And sustain me with a willing spirit.”NASB

Self Gratification and Deprecation

When it comes to self, it doesn’t matter if I focus on the self deprecation that makes others laugh or the self gratification that placates me. Both leave me empty in the long run and keep me from walking in God’s kingdom as I should. I twist and play with my hair and have for as long as I can remember. Mylah loves to play with my hair, and when I took her downstairs for her bath last night, she was delighted that my hair was down so she could run her little fingers through it. It’s even more satisfying when she twists it:)

When I found that playing with my hair was a form of self gratification, I was surprised and a little embarrassed. I knew it made me feel better, but I didn’t realize it was considered an activity similar to sucking one’s thumb. I still play with my hair, but I just don’t feel bad about it. I do take note if I start twisting because it means that something is on my mind or heart. I may just be thinking of the day before me, but I also may be hurting. That was the case when I went to bed last night.

It was an amazing day yesterday, and the warm sunshine after a week of horrific winds, water and snow was truly a gift from God. The girls and I played outside for a long time, and I also found time while they were napping to sit in the sun by the pool. Worship was wonderful last night, and the singing left my heart soaring. Mylah and Lilly were adorable in the tub as they took their little washcloths and wrapped up little toy fish and sang lullabies to them. I went to bed a very happy Gigi indeed:)

As I prayed, I started twisting my hair. I knew something on my heart that needed attention. God helped me find and face the root of my angst, and I relaxed and slept peacefully. The lesson God had for me in the hair twisting prayer was that much of our conversations are about me. It’s okay to go to God when I’m hurting, but it isn’t okay for me to be at the center of my prayers. I saw praying as the ultimate form of self gratification, and I was humbled by the lesson.

Dying to self is a painful process that leads to greater joy than any form of self gratification found on earth. Those three little concrete steps presented themselves as I left services last night, and I was taken aback when I looked down and saw the steps from my dream night before last. God amazes me when He teaches the obvious with love, and He did just that last night. The steps leading out of the church office were the steps in my dream, and they lead out of the building and into the world. I so need the filling and fellowship I get from the church body, but God gently reminded me that I need to take that filling and fellowship out into His world in a way that changes me and it.

I learned at an early age to use self deprecation to get laughs from those around me, and I still have to be mindful not to put myself down when I make mistakes or feel the need to apologize for the way I am. I am learning that who I am is who I am. God is teaching me to love myself, and Dr. Steibel reminded me that we need to love ourselves for God’s sake (Richard J. Foster and Emilie Griffin.) That was an amazing lesson during the prayer retreat that I play to remember. Self is an expression of who I am, but I have to make sure I don’t get caught up in gratifying or deprecating because that isn’t what God desires.

Praying is personal, and God loves to hear my heart. He, like all of us, doesn’t enjoy listening to a litany of self-loathing or a rehearsal of my plans and problems. He would rather our conversations be about Christ and how His Holy Spirit is working through me. He has a lot to add to that conversation if I will be still and let Him share His ideas with me:)

Whether it’s self gratification or deprecation, it still amounts to be self-centered. That keeps me from drawer nearer to God and to those in my path. Intercessory prayer is a beautiful antidote when I find myself getting too far into myself. Remembering who God is and who I am brings our conversations to a beautiful place of connectedness, and that feels better than anything I’ve ever felt:)

One Size Does Not Fit All:)

Prayer is very personal, and one size does not fit all. Just as we are all special, so is the way we pray. I’ve looked at models and methods my entire life in an attempt to improve my praying in the same way a diet might improve my health. Praying, like living and loving, is something we each do differently. I’m sure God is glad about that:) Otherwise, he would be inundated with impersonal rote rituals that would surely put Him to sleep. It would be like talking to a machine when you call to get help. Technology is making those standard messages a little better, but I know of few things in this world that irritate me more than having to listen to those impersonal menus with general answers that leave me shaking my head when I need more.

When it comes to praying, it is easy to get into ruts that sound like those recordings. It’s like getting forwards in your inbox instead of a personal messages. Praying is conversing with God, and I don’t have to say a thing for Him to know just what I feel. He knows my heart, but telling Him my deepest desires allows me to see and hear them. Just as talking to a trusted friend helps me hear my heart, talking to God is so much more healing. He knows me better than anyone and loves me more than I am able to grasp.

The most important element of prayer is love. The scriptures last week from 1 Corinthians 13 were about just that. Without love, it doesn’t matter if I fast and stay on my face for forty days. Love is what lifts prayers to God, and love is the foundation upon which all effective prayer rests. Loving someone is praying for them all the time. It is as involuntary as breathing. Love gives life to my prayers and is where the praying life begins. It allows me to die to selfish wants even when those wants seem to be what is right. It’s hard not to pray for all things to be made right, but I know in my heart that all things cannot be perfect. If they were, we wouldn’t learn anything while on this journey.

It is in the sufferings and hurt that I lean upon God. He is always there to get me through the darkness. If all were perfect, I would lose my yearning for His presence. That yearning is the yarn that holds my heart and this world together. Praying connects me to One who understands my heart whether hurting or happy. He cries with me and celebrates with me just as my pray partners here. That is really what prayer is all about, and I’m learning to make the connections that make this journey a praying life filled with compassion for others and a deeper love of God.

The God of Hope

Love and hope are inseparable. God’s love offers hope that leads to joy and peace beyond description. Romans 15:13 is a sweet blessing that fills my heart each time I read it.

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” NASB

Only the power of the Holy Spirit can bring the love, hope, joy, and peace of God. There are many substitutes in this world, but none compare to what God has to offer. I forget the Spirit and head out on my own sometimes and find myself lost and alone. When I am not feeling connected, I know the problem is love. I belong to the body of Christ and that means loving God and others. I can try to worship Him on my own, but it just won’t work. I can try to worship with others without loving them, but that will also fail.

Christ says this about love in Matthew 22:36-40.

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” NASB

Love isn’t negotiable and neither is being a part of His body. I am, and always will be, whether I like it or not. I can try to separate myself from other believers, but it is as futile an act as an eye deciding to take off on its own. “We are one in the bond of love” as the beautiful hymn says, and I cannot love or fully live without being connected to others.

I love being in a house filled with the sounds of love. The girls bless me each time they come running to my room to say good morning or good night. My heart is right at home here, and the lessons in love just keep getting better. This week’s have gone straight to my core and hurt deeply, but God is faithful to bless, heal, and stretch my heart a little with each lesson:)