Category: Healing

Love is the Way Out

I’ve never been nearer to God than when I walked up Indian Creek today. He made it clear that there are no endings or exits when it comes to love. Love is love, and that’s all there is to it. It isn’t something I can control or manage; it simply is. When Moses asked God His name, He replied “I AM WHO I AM” God is love, and there is nothing I, or anyone, can do about that.

Love doesn’t go away because it’s inconvenient. It doesn’t end because people change or grow apart. Circumstances do not change the nature of love, but the nature of love changes circumstances in a beautiful way. The surest sign of love is that there are no endings or exits, and that is taking some getting used to on my part. I begin looking for the exit as soon as I enter a building, and my heart does the same when I enter into a relationship. God showed me today that I can never deny or escape love.

Exits and endings are easy, and I’ve relied on them all my life. Love is not something from which I can escape; believe me, I’ve tried. Love is a gift from God and should never be taken for granted.  It is meant to be embraced with an open heart and cherished dearly because it is a piece of God’s own heart. It is the only thing worth holding on to in this world, and the only thing I can take with me into the next. 

Love will not be ignored, and it will not go away at my command. It becomes a part of who I am and cannot be separated from my being. Like the threads in a tapestry, love weaves itself into every aspect of my life. Unraveling a tapestry doesn’t make the thread go away, so God urged me today to leave the weaving in place and trust Him with the outcome. His outcomes are always better than my exits, so I plan to leave love in His hands and see where He takes my heart. I’ve done all the running away I plan to do in this life, and I’m no longer looking for a way out. Love is the way out.

Happy Birthday Daddy!!

Happy Birthday Daddy!
Happy Birthday Daddy!

Daddy would be 98 today, and he’s been very near my heart over the past few days. Foy Hart Holden was born to Anna Scruggs and Flave Holden on June 16, 1916 on a farm near Brevard, North Carolina. He was the oldest of nine children and learned from a very early age that hard work was part of life. He worked in the fields, but he also dreamed of more. He told me once that he worked himself to death getting out of the mountains for a better life, and I went right back up there. He asked me what that said about me, and I replied, “that I have more sense than you do.” He and I were on opposite sides of the fence most of my life, but he grinned from ear to ear at my response. He loved the mountains and knew I was right.

I’ve never known anyone who loved to garden more than daddy. Every day, he came in from work, changed his clothes, and headed straight to his beloved garden. He took a small city lot and turned it into a work of art. He filled in the koi pond in the backyard and made it his prize heirloom tomato patch. He composted the scraps from our table and turned them into dark, rich soil that produced mounds of delicious food. He may have left the mountains, but the mountains never left him.

We always had fresh, frozen, or canned food from the garden on our table, and I loved every bite. I wish I had paid closer attention when he tried to get me interested in gardening. I learned some of his tricks, but I regret not learning more. Daddy worked in his garden until dark every week night and all through the weekend. I realize now it was powerful therapy for him to dig deeply and bring life from the soil. There was nothing daddy loved more than the first fruits of his labor, and I always think about that when I come across a reference to first fruits in the Bible. There are many verses dealing with bringing God our first fruits. I know from daddy that it takes a lot to give them to Him.

Daddy did much more than garden. He also taught me the value of hard work and education. He had an appetite for learning that I inherited from him. Tyler, Lillyann, and Mylah all have his insatiable curiosity. They love to take things apart and put them back together just as he did. Daddy always had something he was fixing or making. Those who work closely with Tyler, know he won’t stop until he figures out how to fix a problem that needs fixing. Daddy was the same way, and I love seeing his curiosity in my son and granddaughters.

I was with daddy when he had his stroke. I’ve never been more scared in my life than when I took him to the hospital. This giant of a man was suddenly weak and vulnerable. As the doctor asked him questions, I tried not to look shocked by the answers he was giving. He was looking at me with fear in his eyes, and that was something I’d never seen before. Two men put daddy on a gurney and left us alone for a moment. Daddy looked up at me with something else in his eyes.  I knew he wanted desperately to say something, but he wasn’t physically able to do so.

I held his hand, looked into his eyes, and told him I loved him and knew that he had loved me the best way he knew how. I felt a beautiful sense of peace as I watched his eyes smile and his face relax. Daddy had dancing eyes that were always filled with mischief. I smiled when I saw them dancing in that brief moment. I thank God for a sweet moment of clarity and for the love that filled the space between us. I marvel at the way God closed a gaping hole in both our hearts and brought an end to the senseless war that raged on for decades. Past hurts no longer mattered as love brought our hearts together. That precious moment is what I will always remember most about my daddy.

Happy birthday daddy!! I love you and think of you every time I look at Tyler, Lillyann, and Mylah 🙂 I’m glad we all got your curiosity and your love of life. It makes the journey a lot more fun. I know you’re resting in peace, but I also know you are most likely up to some sort of mischief or following God around asking if there’s anything that needs to be fixed 🙂

Day of Reckoning or Time of Reconciliation?

Reconciliation“I reckon so” is a response used in the mountains indicating whatever asked makes sense based on what is known. Reckon means to calculate or figure, so it’s a fairly literal use of the term. It all adds up, so to speak. I’m not an accountant, but I did work as a bookkeeper for four years. I was uncomfortable balancing books, but I was ecstatic when the monthly reconciliation came out correctly. Seeing that sweet zero balance made me shout “Hallelujah!”

The lessons this week have been difficult ones that left me completely spent in more ways than one. I kept the girls last night, so I was in bed by 8:30. After they drifted off to sleep, I asked God for comfort and direction. God knew my heart was the problem. As soon as I think I’ve found some balance when it comes to my heart, the rug is invariably pulled out from under me. Roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, and yo yo’s are fun, but my heart doesn’t belong on any of them. It’s exciting to be lifted up and down; but when the ride stops, so does the fun. Being drawn near is thrilling, but being pushed away is so terribly chilling. My heart was as tired as it’s ever been this week. God saw my emptiness, but He was waiting for me to ask for help.

I did ask, and God was faithful to answer. I didn’t ask earlier because I feared a day of reckoning was coming. I’ve seen God as a Smiter most of my life, but I’ve learned nothing is farther from the truth. I suppose my upbringing caused me to think of Him in that way, but He made it clear the balancing He had in mind for my heart need not be feared. His sweet Spirit showed me truths that helped bring the zero balance I needed. So many things just weren’t adding up in my heart, but I kept pretending all was well. I knew where the problems were, but I didn’t know how to fix them. I had a flashback to personnel and payroll and had to smile when I thought of Joanna, a CPA, who would always come and patiently help me find my mistakes. The Holy Spirit was very like her as He sat with me last night and this afternoon.

Knowing what needs to be fixed and fixing it are very different things, but I know I’ll find the courage to move forward with God’s help. He knows the pain love can bring when it isn’t returned. He also knows that making someone love me is never the right way. He could make everyone love Him, but He doesn’t dare. He knows that only leaves the heart empty and hurting. Hearts need truth to bring them into balance, and the truth has never been harder to hear than this week. It’s always my choice whether or not to hear the truth. I knew what I was going to hear before I heard it, and that’s what “I reckon so” is all about. It is a way of coming around to what I may not want but know is right based on the obvious.

A dear friend told me as we walked today that my heart was worn out. She said I was emotionally empty, and it was affecting my health. She was genuinely concerned about me. My sister told me the same thing during my visit with her over the weekend. Both touched my heart where it needed to be touched and helped me find the courage to ask God for help. My heart is worn out, and that zero balance is hurting right now. I know God will bring renewal as I close the books on past hurts, stop trying to change what I cannot change, and begin anew. It is what reconciliation is all about.

A day of reckoning is “a time of punishment or retribution: a time when somebody is made to answer for crimes or mistakes.”  Reconciliation is “the process of making consistent or compatible.” I like the sound of consistent and compatible but realize I’ve been drowning in punishment and retribution my entire life. I’ve made many mistakes when it comes to my heart, but God knows I’ve punished myself far too much for far too long. I don’t have to answer for any crimes, and I’ve certainly paid for my mistakes and more. 

Pain is part of reconciliation, and no one knows that better than God. His innocent Son died to bring the world’s heart into balance. I pray, with the help of His Holy Spirit, I will make stop making choices that break my heart and start making ones that heal and help. A zero balance is terribly painful when it comes to love, but every ending is a wonderful opportunity to begin again. There are no easy paths when it comes to love, but there are clear choices based upon the truth that make the heart’s journey a joyous one.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19 gives me the courage to see that zero balance with an attitude of anticipation rather than fear.

“Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation” 

On Fire or Burned Out?

I like order and always have. When order is taken away, I find myself drowning in the resulting mess. I was going under yesterday, and I wondered if I even wanted to come up for air. Life overwhelms me when I am surrounded by clutter and craziness, and I was as buried in both yesterday. I slept peacefully at my sister’s and felt a beautiful sense of belonging. I love the order of her home, and we speak the same language. That brings a sweet connection that gives meaning to the mess. In Paul’s account of what happened on Pentecost in Acts 2:1-4, order comes to the chaos when the Holy Spirit enables the disciples to be heard by all.

“When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. And suddenly there came from heaven a noise like a violent rushing wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting. And there appeared to them tongues as of fire distributing themselves, and they rested on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit was giving them utterance.” NASB

The lessons from Pentecost were many last week, but finding meaning in the midst of a maddening mess was the main one. My world has been messy lately, and I was beginning to think I might never find my way out of the muck. Like quicksand, messes, madness, and muck get deeper as I struggle and strive. Stillness is the only way for my heart to hear the peace spoken by the Spirit. He speaks the language of love to my heart, and that makes sense of the mess. Air and wind have figured greatly into the lessons surrounding Pentecost. I’ve been literally swept off my feet by the power of the wind during the past week.

The fire of the Holy Spirit isn’t like any other fire, but all fires require air in order to burn. When the terrible winds knocked out the power last night, I was reminded that the Holy Spirit is sometimes like a rushing wind. It seemed my own power had been knocked out of me, so the power outage served as a vivid reminder of what happens when faced with forces out of my control. Things were flying around outside, so I decided to open the door and retrieve the flying pool toys and bathing suits before they were lost. The door almost knocked me to the floor when I did!

I came in quickly and left the door closed until the storm passed. The pool was covered with sticks, leaves, and other debris. When the wind subsided, I scooped up as much as I could before the mess sank to the bottom. I realized I had allowed a lot of debris to settle in my heart and had to smile as God used the mess left by the wind to drive home His point. It’s best not to let the mess settle and stay because that causes the fire in my heart to burn out. Wind can blow out a fire or kindle it depending upon the circumstances. The fire in my heart was at the point of going out when God sent a mighty rushing wind to revive and remind that His fire isn’t at all like mine. When the Holy Spirit’s fire comes, mine seems insignificant.

As I rushed around getting ready for the coming darkness, I was worried that the girls wouldn’t be able to find their way downstairs in the dark. As I lit my last little candle, the electricity returned. There was a vast difference between my candles and the light that suddenly flooded the house. There is an even greater difference between my efforts to bring order to the mess and God’s ability to clean and clear. Without His Light and Spirit, I stumble around in the darkness. With His love to guide me, I gain access to His power. That is more than enough to keep the fire burning brightly in my heart.

Reality is Real

Photo credit: Lauren Davis
Photo credit: Lauren Davis

When daddy was drinking and in a philosophical mood, he would say, “Reality is real!” My sisters and I would try very hard to hide our grins; but when daddy wasn’t around, we would mimic him by repeating his famous line with serious faces.

As teenagers, my sisters and I didn’t understand what daddy was trying to tell us, but God made it clear that daddy’s wisdom was right on target for my heart. Reality is real, but I have always preferred fantasy to reality. The world of fantasy is a safe one where I can pretend all is as I wish it were. Fantasy is a beautiful hiding place where I can create my own world away from the pain of reality. The problem arrives when reality will no longer be ignored.

Reality sent my heart reeling this week. God gently, but firmly, showed me the futility of fantasy while I was wallowing in self pity on the ground. It takes a while for me to process information, but when I finally do get it, I don’t forget it. God showed me that the place where my heart was hiding was not where He wanted me to be. He has been over and over this same lesson for years, but I keep taking His reality and twisting it into my fantasy.

Whether a decision is made for me or I come to the learning on my own, the results are the same. Transitions and transformations are painful. Leaving the known has never been easy for me, and reality means facing the truth. I’m an eternal optimist and hope to stay one, but sometimes that optimism gets in God’s way. He reminded me this morning that I’m like Charlie Brown trying to kick that illusive football, and that is keeping my heart in limbo.

I never have found the image of Charlie Brown and Lucy on the football field to be a funny one. My heart went out to poor Charlie Brown, and I wished Lucy would stop messing with him. I knew it was never going to happen, but that didn’t stop me from wanting it for him. Perhaps I simply wanted it for me. I am a lot like Charlie Brown when it comes to love. I keep running toward it, but it is always snatched away at the last moment.

Charlie Brown seemed doomed to fail forever when it came to that football, but God showed me there is always hope. Lauren Davis gives Charlie Brown a new ending in her version. I had to laugh when God placed it in my path. The Holy Spirit takes on some unusual forms when helping me find God’s way, so I wasn’t surprised when God used Spiderman, Charlie Brown, and daddy’s words of wisdom to teach an important lesson.

Reality is real, and that’s a good thing. Trying is a good thing, but trying to make things be what I want them to be isn’t. It’s comforting to know that God is always there to catch me when I fall, and His sweet Spirit will teach me a new way to love. Every ending is an opportunity for a new beginning, and that gives me the courage to get up and kick that ball. When I find myself failing over and over, I need to remember that God knows more about love that I ever will and is always right there to help me get where He wants me to be 🙂

 

Heart of Hearing

The lessons over the past two weeks have been hard to hear and even harder to share. Merriam-Webster says hard of hearing is “relating to or having a defective but functional sense of hearing.” My heart’s hearing has been defective, but functional, most of my life. God reminded me yesterday that honest communion fosters a heart of hearing. Nothing is more painful or frustrating than not being heard. The heart is designed to hear and be heard, but I usually let my heart get to its breaking point before I let others hear it. I have a heart of hearing and thank God for all the beautiful people He has placed in my path. There is nothing I love more than hearing someone’s heart, but I stumble when it comes to letting others hear mine.

Lately, I’ve found myself shut up in a vacuum wanting to hear but unable to make a connection. Like a weak signal or limited coverage, my need to please others creates interference and causes a great deal of frustration when it comes to my heart being heard. The same thing happens to the heart that happens to the voice when it is not being heard; it either stops speaking or starts screaming. My heart most often shuts up. This week was different, and that made for difficult learning as God brought me out of my comfort zone.

The pressure in a boiling pot will build to the point of blowing the lid off if there is enough water inside to feed it, and it will boil down to nothing if left simmering for too long. My heart is the same, and the pressure built to the boiling point this week. It’s easy to keep the lid on my heart if I simply don’t feel or replace loving with doing. If I never turn on the burner, the water will never get out of hand. If I never love, there will be no need to worry about my heart. The problem is that hearts are made for loving, and loving involves hearing.

Attention and patience are the keys to both loving and boiling water. When someone says they can’t boil water, it really means they can’t pay attention or don’t have the necessary patience to wait for the water to boil. The very same thing is true when it comes to love. Love takes a great deal of attention and even more patience. It’s okay to let the water boil over or dry up, and it’s okay to let love come to the boiling point or dry up too. It’s all part of the journey. Nothing teaches better than a mistake, and I’ve made many when it comes to cooking and loving.

One of my favorite verses is Romans 10:17

“So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.” (NASB)

I love the simplicity of this verse, and I love that God is using the book Romans in a powerful way to teach me that my heart can be hard of hearing because its capacity to love has been “defective but functional.” God wants so much more for me. Christ’s precious love enables me to hear with a new heart, and that is the beautiful message God had for me this morning. I thank God for an unexpected healing that opened the way for my heart to hear clearly and with love. It changes the way I hear my own heart and allows me to hear God’s heart and the hearts of those in my path with the joy of one who hears sound for the very first time. I pray I never take hearing for granted, and I pray that I speak and love in a way that makes hearing my heart easier for those around me.

Firing Squad

Standing with her back to the wall

Blindfolded and bound

Waiting for the inevitable.

The soldiers take aim and wait.

Truth comes with the call to fire.

Bullets forged from if’s, when’s, and but’s

Find their way to the center of her heart.

She cannot survive the assault.

Life pours out upon the ground.

Freedom’s found in its flow.

New life comes.

Love grows on.

Love Grows On

Free At Last!!

FreedomGod used the image of an invisible fence to help my heart get where He knew it needed to be. Assertive pups quickly learn that the shock of the fence is temporary and well worth the freedom that lies beyond that invisible line drawn in the lawn. Other dogs find contentment in their confinement and learn to live within the space given. I was like the latter until last week when I finally found the courage, or maybe the faith, to cross lines I’ve allowed to confine and define my heart all my life. I learned that pleasing others is not the same as loving them, and that beautiful lesson freed my heart in a wonderful way.

God doesn’t want me to please Him or others, and He certainly didn’t create me to be a happiness slot machine. He created me out of love and simply wants me to love Him, myself, and others. The invisible fence wasn’t His; it was one I installed early in my life in order to keep my heart safe. Boundaries are important in life. They keep me from straying into unknown territory and help me know who and where I am, but the heart is not designed for any kind of fence.

God’s love knows no boundaries, and He expects my love to be like His. I crossed lines last week that I’ve never dared to cross before, and I have to say it felt great. I stood up for what I believed and for those I love. I felt an immediate sense of freedom after an initial shock of leaving the known and heading into territory I’d always considered too dangerous for me.

At the heart of loving and being loved as God desires is a willingness to know and be known in ways that shock my heart. As I ate and talked with a new friend yesterday, she expressed her reluctance to allow herself to get to know someone too deeply and her struggle with allowing others to know her deeply. I knew exactly what she was feeling because I had been there myself.

I allowed myself to be deeply known decades ago and again a few years ago. Both friends changed me in a beautiful way. I’m blessed to have three sisters who know and love me deeply and friends who do the same. Their love encourages me to continue to reach out and to be who I am. That level of love enabled me to take a flying leap at that electric fence and head out into the world in a way that is sure to make a difference in my heart and in the hearts of those I love.

Know No

No No!No is a hard word to say and an even harder one to hear, but God made it clear this week that it’s necessary to say no and hear no if I am going to walk in His Kingdom. I have a hard time saying no because I like to keep the peace and hate conflict of any kind. I also feel the need to please everyone. There’s nothing wrong with doing good things for others, and love means wanting happiness for those I love; the problem is my need to make others happy. There is a big difference, and the lessons this week were about discerning the difference.

The week was filled with no’s that taught important lessons in truth. The truth is hard to hear, but freedom depends upon it. The deeper lesson was that truth and decision are essential for my journey.  Obedience involves hearing and heeding no when God says it. He knows best when it comes to no. He hears it every day, and it breaks His heart. Earthly parents do their best to know when to say no. God knows exactly when I need a no, and He knows how badly it will hurt before He says it.

On Monday, I told my sister I wouldn’t be house sitting for her next month. The thought of a gorgeous home with a pool near the ocean for a month is very tempting, but God said no. I didn’t want to say no to my sister, but she was more than gracious when I did. She really just wanted to give me some space and a place to get away for a while. Not all the no’s this week have been that simple.

I have the tendency to let people run over me because it’s easier than standing up to them. I was faced with an angry confrontation that blindsided and left me reeling. I don’t appreciate others telling me who I am or what I should believe, and God helped me say no to that kind of abuse. That no was hard to say, but it felt great and freed my heart in a wonderful way.

Just as I was feeling good about my new found freedom to say no, it was said to me. God knew I needed to hear it, and He knew I needed to hear it in a way that would humble me. I don’t imagine we are ever prepared to hear no when it means giving up something we truly want, but that’s the only time no shows true obedience. I did what I often do when confronted with information my heart isn’t ready to hear; I slipped into denial and moved on to anger.

When I had time to absorb the hurt and realize God wanted the best for me, I knew the no was just what I needed just when I needed it. God is faithful to show me what is best, but I don’t always want to see it. I suppose it’s human nature to be hurt when I don’t get what I want, but God will take me beyond my own nature if I listen to His no and pray for discernment and direction.

I know God knows best when it comes to no, and I learned this week that saying it and hearing it as God desires is the way to find His way and walk in His Kingdom now. A friend reminded me that God is willing and able to help me in every way. Knowing God is the first step in truly knowing who I am. He certainly helped me know no in a new way, and that’s a lesson I hope I never forget.

Make a Joyful Choice

Psalm 100 is one of my favorite psalms. I memorized the KJV as a child and love the phrase “joyful noise” in verse one. Eugene Peterson’s “Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence” in The Message is also a very vivid image. Whatever you call it, there is no sound that delights a parent more than joyful noise coming from their children. God reminded me this week that joyful choices also bless a parent’s heart. Hear David’s beautiful song.

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.

Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations. (KJV)

There is great wisdom and comfort in this beautiful psalm. I can sing myself into God’s presence. He made me. His home is my home. He is beautiful, all-generous, and I can count on Him forever. His truth is passed from one generation to the next for eternity. That encourages me to be thankful and make joyful choices which will allow me to become who God wants me to be.

Choices come with every step and determine the direction of my heart. Joyful choices are not about happiness or fulfillment; they are about becoming who God created me to be. Our parents play a big role in our decision making process, and Pastor John told me his father was always asking, “Chi e chi fa?” He describes the phrase and what it came to mean in his message on Genesis 12:1-4 (“Fully Arrive or Fully Thrive” March 16, 2014)

“Among the values my father cultivated in his three sons was a reflective nature prompted by a light-hearted question posed in Sicilian, ‘Chi é chi fa?’ which we understood to mean, ‘What are you doing?’ Or, ‘What’s going on?’ Or perhaps, ‘Who are you that you are doing this?’ Rather than becoming cliché in our family, over the years this question moved us beyond, ‘What are you doing?’ as in right now, today, to, ‘What are you doing with your life?’ ‘What are you making of yourself?’ ‘Where are you going in life?’ ‘Who are you going to be?’” 

The simple Sicilian phrase and a picture of Salvatore in John’s office were part of the lessons God had for me last week. In the picture, Salvatore is on the floor beside his granddaughter Jennifer with his chin in his hands. There’s a playful grin on his face and a sparkle in his eye. I imagine God has the same look as He asks me who I’m going to be. Daddy had a few questions of his own, but they reflected a much different tone. I constantly heard, “What in the hell are you doing?” or “Why in the hell did you do that?” Foy’s face was usually twisted with anger as he vented his frustration with my choices. Salvatore was more subtle than Foy, but both parents shared a sincere desire to know what their children were doing, where they were going in life, and who they would become. God has the same desire.

All fathers want their children to make good decisions. They know good choices make all the difference in life. Mothers know the same. As parents, we want to fix bad choices or make the way easy for our children, but we know that never works. Children must make their own choices and live with the consequences of those decisions. God knows bad choices teach tough lessons, but that doesn’t make it any easier for Him to watch our suffering. Daddy did his best to keep me from making stupid decisions because he knew they would hurt me. His intentions were good; he simply wanted the best for me.

The lessons last week were difficult ones, but I’m a little closer to the me God wants me to be. If I took a wrong turn on a road trip, I wouldn’t sit and complain for hours or beat myself up for making a bad choice. I would turn around and get on the right path as soon as possible. Moving forward sometimes means turning around. God will always be patient as He continues to ask, “Who are you going to be?” or “Where are you going in life?” I know He smiles broadly when He hears, “Whoever you want me to be and wherever you want me to go!” Joyful choices are the ones that show I want the same thing God wants for me. What God wants is so much more than anything I could ever imagine on my own. The journey is what matters. As Pastor John says, “It’s better to thrive in obedience than to think we’ve arrived on our own efforts.” I agree!!

If you would like to hear all of “Fully Arrive or Fully Thrive,” go to Podcasts FBCBC