Category: Life

When I Cease, God Brings Peace

Yesterday while I listened to Mylah sleeping, I noticed my headache was gone. I rarely have a headache, but this one had persisted for almost three days. My heart goes out to those who suffer from migraines; I can’t imagine. I had a simple sinus headache, and it was getting to me. I love it when I notice an annoying pain is gone. I’m sure it is never the exact moment when it stops, but it is a sweet moment that gives a new appreciation for being pain free. Again, I know many whose pain never ceases, and that humbles me and breaks my heart.

The dogs, Lilly, and Mylah were all asleep, and I soaked in the sleepy sounds that surrounded me. I was thanking God for the sweet girls that fill my heart as nothing else when I realized my head wasn’t hurting any more. I know the headache was not only my sinuses. The tension brought on by the fear and the tears earlier in the week started the twisting that left me wrung out and exhausted. The girls unwound me and allowed the tension to break. My nose began to run, but my head and heart relaxed for the first time in three days.

As I sat in the sweet stillness, I noticed my fear was also gone. That was icing on the cake, and I smiled at how God used all for my good. I thought about going home and resting rather than heading to church; but after a visit to the new house with the girls, I wanted to sing and pray and hear God’s message.  Between the girls and the worship, God changed my direction. My sinuses are still irritated, and I look as though I’ve been in a boxing match; but my mind and heart are at peace:)

The lessons this week were painful ones, literally and figuratively! I wasn’t surprised when the message last night was about repentance. Metanoia means “to change one’s mind, repent, from; a transformative change of heart.” That has been, is, and will continue to be the goal on this journey. Change is ongoing, and I pray that I will get more flexible as God transforms my mind and my heart to be more in line with His. The twisting is much less painful when I relax:)

The word for repent used at the end of the book of Job is a word that describes the sigh of release that someone who is being held gives when they stop fighting. When I cease, God brings peace. That is what repentance is all about, and it surely does transform my heart and change my mind in ways I cannot describe. Thanks be to God:)

Nudging is Better Than Judging:)

I was shocked and embarrassed as fear spilled out of my heart yesterday. I wasn’t expecting the sudden flood of emotion when I talked with a friend about a situation that concerned me. It hit a nerve that made me realize I still have a lot of healing to do. They say when you’re jarred, you see what’s inside. I wasn’t prepared for the fear that came spewing out. It was like hitting an artery!

I  was thankful to have a sound board and honest communion as I struggled to get out of the quick sand that was surrounding me. I was drowning and didn’t like or understand it at all. I thank God for providing the space I needed and the tears that cleansed and released my heart.

It’s important to make room, and that’s what happened yesterday. God cleared, cleaned, and showed me the need to move on. Twain said a virtue not tested is not really a virtue, and I believe the same is true for fear. I don’t know I have it until my heart is confronted. It is frightening, and it helps to have company who understands. Hearing is the heart of witnessing and provides a needed nudge.

Stumbling provides opportunity for growth, and lessons that hit a nerve are the ones that stay with me. God knew I was ready to face the fears lingering from past hurts and move forward. He knew I needed the nudge I got yesterday. I once heard a minister say that was precisely what we are here to do. To nudge and be nudged is much better than to judge and be judged. It is at the heart of walking and witnessing in God’s kingdom.

The most difficult part of facing fear is seeing the need to move on. God showed me yesterday that I’m ready to take another step in the direction He has in mind. He’s always ready for me to move on, but I get sidetracked and make Him wait. I’m grateful for His patience. His ways are higher than mine, and I am learning that I don’t have to understand them. He doesn’t expect me to, but He does expect me to obey His precepts and live according to His Word. I cannot bend, stretch, or make them or Him fit into my plan. I have been guilty of doing just that.

When stuck at a fork in the road, a loving nudge is necessary. I can ignore the nudge, go my way and rationalize my decision. I can see the nudge as a push and get angry, or I can allow the nudge to move me gently in the direction God desires. The choice is mine, and there’s the rub as Shakespeare would say:)

Listening is Relative:)

When it comes to listening, there is nothing better than a soundboard. Bing’s definition is “a board to increase resonance: a thin sheet of wood placed under or above the strings of a musical instrument to increase resonance. On a violin it is the top of the instrument” I love that definition. I’m also intrigued by the list of synonyms Bing offers: friend, soul mate, alter ego, sister, brother, amigo, intimate, best friend.

A listener can be a sponge, a marble slab, a baseball bat, or a sound board. I had to smile when I saw the synonyms because they were not at all what I expected, but they do make perfect sense if you are or have a sound board in your life.

A sponge takes everything in and gives no feedback. They are heavy-laden as they leave because they absorbed it all, but they offer nothing in return. I’m left as empty as they are full, and that isn’t a good feeling for either of us. It is the most unhealthy type of listening.

A marble slab is beautiful but isn’t absorbing a thing. A set smile or a look of concern gives an impression of sincerity where there is none. It’s more about let’s get this over with so I can move on. The experience leaves me empty and them completely unaffected. There is no real interaction, so I’m left feeling worse than before.

A baseball bat immediately takes a swing at the information. Whack! They know exactly how I feel because they’ve been there and done that. In fact, it was much worse for them. They know exactly what I should do, offer a simple solution, and walk off feeling as though they just hit a home run! I’m left wondering what just happened as they strut off the field.

A sound board, according to Bing,  creates “amplification of a sound, e.g. that of an instrument or the human voice, caused by sympathetic vibration in a chamber such as an auditorium or a singer’s chest.” That sounds a lot like love to me:)  If you are or ever have been a sound board, you know that love is the sympathetic vibration in the heart that makes listening a truly powerful connection.

Being a sound board is not as easy as being that slab of marble or as fun as whacking that ball out of the park, but it is the most beautiful feeling in the world when someone hears my heart and understands it. It’s just as good when I do the same for them. It is rare to find a sound board in this world because it takes time and means connecting at a deep level. Several years ago, a dear friend told me I was a wonderful sound board. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I could tell by the tone that it was a good thing. I know now just what it means and consider it the best compliment ever:)

Seeking Answers or Looking for Validation?

Seeking answers and looking for validation are two different quests. Answers are for going and growing; validation is for parking and barking. Love seeks and lets God take the lead. Lust looks for a pat on the back and follows self satisfaction.

I’ve looked for validation far too often in my life. The need to be right, to be loved, to be needed have kept me from the kingdom of God and held me in the confines of selfish need. Validation placates; answers bring peace. They may look the same on the outside, but they lead me in opposing directions. Seeking answers helps me break free and find His desires. They are so much better than my wants:)

Self is strong and pulls me off track, but God is stronger and pulls me back when I cry out to Him. I found myself wheezing and unable to sleep at three this morning. God is faithful and will use my tossing and turning as a teachable moment if I let Him.

Tossing is a sign that my mind is too busy to return to sleep, and that is a sure sign that I’m looking for validation. Satan is in charge of validating, and he knows a busy mind is connected to a busy body:) He gets me into placating mode and brings out his rationalizing gear. Between the two of us, God cannot get His Word in edgewise. God doesn’t push. He waits.

Conversations with Satan soothe and pacify. They contain mostly I this and I that. Capital I’s make wonderful fenceposts, and soon a white picket fence surrounds me, and I’m right in the middle. I like to be right, and that’s what validation is all about. Being right makes me feel safe and sound and satisfied, but God knows it doesn’t provide answers or make the changes He desires in my heart.

God’s answers tear down fences forged with I I I I I! He silences the me me me me song! He bids me to sing a new song and live a new way. He asks me to love as He loves. If I listen, I learn that forgiveness replaces my need to be right with a desire to be light. The world has more than its share of those who are right but is in need of those who will be His light.

The choice is mine, and that causes me to toss and turn at times. Validation is tempting because answers are not always what I expect or want to hear. Answers lead to more questions, and that is what life-long learning and walking in God’s kingdom is all about. Those who have all the answers stop learning, and that is worse than death. I pray that I will leave validation to parking tickets. I’m not ready to park or pack up and pray I never am. I am ready to move forward, seek answers, and trust God to continue teaching His lessons in love:)

God’s Timing:)

God’s timing has more to do with my readiness than His delaying. I often say that God’s timing is perfect, and it is. I usually mean that He’s making me wait for some reason, helping me grow, or teaching me patience. That’s true also, but I’m learning that God’s timing is directly related to the state of my heart’s readiness. He’s always ready to teach, guide, and give me the wonderful things He has in store. I am not, so He’s the one who’s doing the waiting! Knowing that puts me in a different state of mind and heart:)

As I think of all God put before me this week, I am humbled. Jeremiah 33 has blessed me over and over, and verse 9 grabbed my heart and wouldn’t let it go last night.

“It will be to Me a name of joy, praise and glory before all the nations of the earth which will hear of all the good that I do for them, and they will fear and tremble because of all the good and all the peace that I make for it.’” NASB

God’s love has demanded my attention this week, and I have literally trembled at all the good and all the peace He has made for me. These words from “The Wonderful Cross” say it perfectly, and Matt Redman and Chris Tomlin sing it beautifully!

“Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.” 

God doesn’t just bid me come, His love demands my soul and my attention in a way that makes me tremble in wonder and stop what I’m doing and look to Him. I’ve found that when I do that, He will show me who He is and who He believes I can be. It causes me to see myself as He sees me, and that brings me to my knees in gratitude for His grace.

Knowing I am loved is a mirror that allows me to look deeply at His love and express it to Him, myself, and those in my path. His love is so different from mine. I understood enabling, fixing, pitying, and waiting upon, but I never knew true love until God planted its seed in my heart three years ago. It grew, flourished, and has ripened to the point of readiness.

Readiness is one definition of the Greek word translated as holiness, and that simple truth helps me see love in a new light. Knowing that God is waiting for that readiness in my heart changes the way I live and love. I’ve been waiting for Him to do something. God’s lessons this week have been amazing. I’ve long since stopped using the word coincidental because I know that nothing is coincidental when it comes to God. He does wait for me, but He also knows when I’m going to be ready. He knew the seed He planted on December 1st three years ago would be ready yesterday. Amazing:)

New Beginnings:)

It’s December 1st, and the month promises to be an amazing one. God has made it clear that He has new beginnings in store for me. Yesterday, I went to see the home I will share with my son’s sweet family beginning on January 1st:) For a decade, I’ve lived alone as my journey involved a new beginning on September 1st, 2002 when I left my marriage of twenty-nine years. I’ve done a lot of hiding during the past decade, but I’m ready for the open spaces God has in mind for me.

As I toured the beautiful house, my heart felt right at home. I’m ready for company, and I can’t think of anyone with whom I’d rather share a home than my son and his family. Lillyann was so excited that Gigi was going to be living with her, and little Mylah gave me a smile that took me back to when her daddy was her age. Living together is what God has in mind for His children, and my grandmother lived with us for six months out of the year until she died.

Grandmother Banning was a big part of my life. I loved sharing meals with her, and I used to sit in wonder as she braided her long hair each morning and twisted it into a bun. She would unwind her bun and take out the braid each evening before going to bed. I can still hear her humming and singing as she sewed. She loved to sew, and mama had to tear the hems out of pillow cases and clothing to keep her busy.

During my mini-skirt phase in the sixties, grandmother would pull at my shirt as I walked by and ask if there was a hem that could be let out:) Lilly Belle Banning was a quiet presence who sewed and helped with household chores. I don’t recall playing with her, but I know we interacted. I pray that I will be a loving presence in the lives of Lillyann and Mylah and plan to play and enjoy the precious time I have with them. I know God will continue teaching me through them. I may be in for some graduate studies:)

Three years ago, my heart made some serious changes as I learned I could love and walk in God’s kingdom before I got to heaven. The journey took a turn that challenged my heart but taught it the importance of honest communion when it comes to loving and living as God desires. Love is not as complicated as we humans tend to make it. God is love, and He wants me to love Him and those in my path. It isn’t rocket science, but it does require a level of honesty that would have made me shrink away three years ago.

The lessons in love prepared my heart to open up and give God the space He desires. I had to smile when I saw the windows in the house. Natural light flooded the rooms, and breath-taking views of beautiful mountains were at every turn. I could not only see God as I looked in and out of those windows, I could feel His love pouring into my heart like the sunlight pouring into the rooms. Arthur Brisbane said that a picture is worth a thousand words, so I’ll use one rather than try to describe the scene.

Heavenly Light:)
Heavenly Light:)

God not only opened doors, He placed some amazing windows in my path yesterday. I love it when He wows me, and He definitely wowed me yesterday. I may just stand and stare out the windows and pray that I never take Him or His beautiful handiwork for granted. The open floor plan, the windows, and the beautiful pool overwhelmed me, but the look on Lillyann’s face when she squealed, “I’m so excited!” and Mylah’s sweet grin were the best features of the home.

I love a new day, a new month, a new year, and a new song! God’s timing is always perfect, and His plan is so much better than my own.  Jeremiah 33 and Psalm 96 have reminded me  this week that God is a god of new beginnings, and He has a special one in mind for me. That makes me want to squeal like Lillyann:)

Coming or Going?

Advent is a season of longing as we look to Christ’s second coming. That involves embracing the ancient anticipation of the Messiah and celebrating the sweet Nativity of Jesus. So often, Advent ends with the first coming and ignores the second. Tales of woe and fears of being left behind have tarnished our longing and caused us to leave the second coming behind in our Advent celebrations. Advent is a season of joy and hope that should be at the very center of Christmas.

When discussing the second coming with a group of young people recently, many expressed concern that Christ might come before they were ready. They wanted to live out their lives first. That made me think about my own thoughts on the matter.

Wanting to live out my life is part of my journey, and the thought of Christ coming before I’m ready is natural. Like Ricky Bobby in Taladaega Nights, it’s safest to stick to baby Jesus in the manger. I do love the manger, and the very thought of Imanu’el brings great joy to my heart. When Jesus returns, He will be God glorified. Am I prepared for the grown up, glorified Christ and the going His coming will involve? That’s the question that makes me want to run back to the manger with Ricky Bobby!

The point of Advent is hope, but hope gets lost in buying frenzies and seasonal depression. I pray my heart will stop and linger and long for Him this year. Instead of sugar plums dancing in my head, I pray for visions of love and hope and peace that play out in my everyday life as Christ desires.

The best news is that I don’t have to wait for Christ’s second coming to begin walking in His kingdom. Everyday is Advent if I look for Jesus in the everyday. I believe that comes a lot closer to the reality of His return than the fear-filled dramas written by men. Christ will not be an infant when He returns, but He will be the same sweet Lord He was, is, and will always be. His character never changes, and His love remains steadfast. That gives me hope and causes me to anticipate His return everywhere, everyday:)

Good For My Soul

The forgiveness Christ offers makes confession good for my soul. The difficult part of confession is letting God show me the areas of my life and heart that need clearing out and cleaning up. Like an attic or basement rarely visited, the places where sin hides in my heart need an opened door, a light turned on, and a good airing out.

The scriptures and lessons this week opened the door, shed God’s light on my shortcomings, and allowed His Spirit do some much-needed work. Just like in a forgotten attic, I found things I thought long gone. God bid me to take stock and clear out this week. I cannot get rid of what I’ve forgotten I had, and that’s why taking an inventory first is essential.

God lets me leave sin tucked away,  but He will help inventory the contents of my heart when I’m ready for His help. I did ask Him to help me this week and was humbled by the pile of junk He laid before me. He will help me find the junk, but it’s up to me to decide what goes. I can resist or say not now, and I often do that when faced with a mess I’m not in the mood to clean. Turn off the light, shut the door, and leave it alone for now. I was ready to face the mess, so I asked God to lend a hand.

Once God brings those things which don’t belong from the bottom of the pile, it’s easy to let go. Seeing sin is like smelling garbage; it motivates me to take action and make changes. My heart feels like an attic that’s been cleaned and rearranged into a beautiful new living space where cherished treasures are seen, and the junk is history. It’s a great feeling once I’m finished:) God provides a wonderful Counselor in His dear Son and a great Comforter in His sweet Spirit. The three working together make for an amazing design team:)

Confession is good for my soul. Truly letting go means acknowledging sin for what it is, getting rid of all excuses to keep it around, and letting God do with it what He does best-get rid of it and redesign the space. Honesty is the key to both cleaning and letting go. It isn’t easy; I feel as if I’ve been in a week-long boxing match with an angry gorilla. That’s what monkey mind becomes when confronted and asked to leave. Those racing thoughts do not go away willingly, but they do take off when they come face to face with God. The peaceful eleven hour sleep last night was well worth the battle:)

God often uses those in my path to help me recognize the need to clean. When I find myself offended or irritated, I must look deeply at that person and at myself to see what is in them that I am denying in myself. It’s like pulling teeth without novocaine and involves a level of honesty and pain that is too much to handle alone. I never like it when I see the same thing in myself, but I have to see it before I can toss it. I know I’ve truly gotten rid of the junk when that person no longer gets to me. I can then move on, and that frees space in my heart and my mind.

Freeing is the word I would use to describe the lessons this week. Confession freed my heart and mind, then God redesigned both spaces. That’s a wonderful feeling that makes me want to empty more space!  Empty space can be daunting, but it is much better than clutter. Space takes on new meaning when I let it be an empty canvas upon which God can paint His hope on my heart. Paint away Lord! Paint away:)

Change is a Good Thing:)

Singing a new song turns my heart in a new direction. When I lift my voice in praise, my heart is filled with God’s love, and I dwell in His kingdom. Nothing is the same as God calls for change. My heart has undergone serious changes lately, and God is calling it, and me along with it, to change. Mylah and Lillyann are a big part of the changes. When I am with them, I know I am in the right realm:)

God has shown me that trusting Him and getting my focus where it belongs makes more than a world of difference, it makes a kingdom of a difference. Things don’t fit anymore! God has change in mind for me, and I am ready to let Him have His way. Change involves leaving behind the known and embracing the unknown. Drawing nearer to God helps me put my trust in Him and not worry if others don’t understand the changes that come as I grow.

There are several ways to grow, and I pray I age gracefully. I do not want to cling to the past or worry about the future. It’s human nature to resist change, but maturing involves changes. Those changes will draw me nearer to God if I let them. I have the choice of rotting, rusting, drying up, or becoming ripe. God prefers ripe when it comes to aging. Holiness is a state of maturity, ripeness, and readiness to do God’s will. Like a fruit at its peak of ripeness, coming of age is a wonderful thing if I let God bring me to a place of readiness.

I can fight and fuss and fume. I can resist and wrestle with God. God knows there are plenty of old folks who do. The stench that comes with that kind of aging ruins the atmosphere in a room faster than anything. I want to age in a way that leaves a different mark in a room and in God’s world. I have beautiful friends who are aging as God desires, and I love to be near them. They are a breath of fresh air in a stuffy room and make me want to be the same.

There are many factors when it comes to aging, but one is certain. I will continue to age until I die. I don’t get to decide how I will die, but I do get to decide how I will age:)

A New Song

Sing to the Lord a new song;
Sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, bless His name;
Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day.
Tell of His glory among the nations,
His wonderful deeds among all the peoples.
For great is the Lord and greatly to be praised;
He is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are idols,
But the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before Him,
Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary.

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the peoples,
Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory of His name;
Bring an offering and come into His courts.
Worship the Lord in holy attire;
Tremble before Him, all the earth.
 Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns;
Indeed, the world is firmly established, it will not be moved;
He will judge the peoples with equity.”

 Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice;
Let the sea roar, and all it contains;
Let the field exult, and all that is in it.
Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy
Before the Lord, for He is coming,
For He is coming to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
And the peoples in His faithfulness.

Psalm 96 NASB

This beautiful psalm is perfect for the beginning of Advent as I anticipate Christ’s coming. Too often, I find myself singing the same old song and praying the same old prayers. This psalm lifts my heart and spirit and makes me want to join the forest and sing for joy.

Do I really think about Christ returning? I love the thought of Emmanuel and the sweet baby in the Christmas manger, but I cannot leave Him there or on the cross or in His ascension to heaven. He is coming again, and that makes me sing with great joy:)

I suppose it’s the judging that causes me to pause. I worry about how He will find me and what I will have to show Him. As soon as I say that, I remember that He is God and loves me more than I have room in my heart to hold or faith enough to understand. Judgment is going to come with Christ, but so is His love for me.  He knows, and I am learning, that this journey is about drawing near to Him and helping others do the same.

Sharing the journey is not easy because it opens my heart in uncomfortable ways, and that often gives me the urge to hide. The beautiful lessons of late have been about the difference in love in His kingdom and the world’s. Love is shared in heaven in ways it isn’t shared on earth. On earth, we hold tightly to love until it becomes lust. In His kingdom, love binds and frees at the same time. Kingdom love heals my heart and allows it to accept and give love in a way that unites and spreads.

It’s taken three years for me to understand the beautiful difference loving in God’s kingdom makes, but it’s been well worth the pain involved. All learning comes at a price; it forces me to change. That change is necessary for the growth needed to live and love in His kingdom. My heart has grown at least three sizes in three years, and it has never felt better. I thank God for loving friends and family who see me as He does and help me see the same. It allows His kingdom to come and His will to be done in my heart, and that makes me sing a new song, “and worship God in the beauty of holiness.” KJV