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Heartburn and Heartbreak

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I think that’s a lot of sexist nonsense; but God did manage to get to my heart through my stomach this week, so maybe there is something to the old saw.

I’ve suffered from acid reflux for three months, and it’s driven me to distraction. The nagging burn of stomach acid in my throat was becoming common place because I opted to eat what I wanted to eat, carry antacids around with me, and accept the burning as my new normal.

My father used to tell me that I was born hungry and would die hungry. I told him I planned to eat as much as I could in between. I was born prematurely and couldn’t nurse or suck a bottle, so mama cut a hole in the nipple of a bottle and let the formula flow into my mouth a few drops at a time. She was afraid I would choke, so the process took forever. According to daddy, she fed me every five minutes. He attributed her obsession with feeding with my obsession with eating. That theory made perfect sense because I turned to food when I was hurting, and I ate all the time.

Weight was never a problem when I was growing up. I was tiny in elementary school and stayed a constant 110 pounds throughout high school and college. I ate heartily, five meals most days. The first time I gained a lot of weight was when I was pregnant with my son, but most of that came off as soon as I got home. My sweet son filled a void that needed filling, so I put all my energy into loving him. In my forties, a slower metabolism and a broken heart took a terrible toll on my heart. I couldn’t keep up any more. In fact, I didn’t want to keep up any more.

My heart’s hunger has always been greater than my stomach’s desire to be filled; so when the two pains merged, food became my drug of choice. I cooked and served and pretended all was well. Mama taught me much more than how to cook. Her death left my heart in a lurch I’ve been trying to crawl out of for six years. I gained twenty-two pounds trying to recreate the comfort of her unconditional love. The more I tried, the more I failed. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I kept on doing it because I couldn’t face the truth.

Thanking God for acid reflux may sound bizarre, but that’s exactly what I found myself doing yesterday. If you’ve ever had acid reflux, you know it will not be ignored. It’s been nagging me unmercifully for three months, and I finally had enough on Tuesday.

I love researching, so I took to the internet to find answers. I was tired of hurting and ready to change my ways. I found a list of foods that cured and a list of foods that caused acid reflux and decided to give it a try. On Wednesday, I ate only foods that cured and avoided all foods that caused. I couldn’t believe the difference and kicked myself for waiting so long to do the right thing.

God used my relief to remind me that my heart needed relief as well. It had been broken for a very long time and it was affecting my health and my happiness. I took a hard look at my heart habits and realized I had some changes to make. No one knows my heart better than God, so I turned to Him for answers.

It isn’t easy to give up what I want. I missed having coffee, chocolate, and cheese on Wednesday, but I did not miss the terrible burning that came with their consumption. It is human nature to want what isn’t good for me, but God showed me that what He wants for me is so much better than what I want for myself. His lists for living aren’t designed to punish or deny; they are designed with a full heart in mind.

My heart and belly have been full of good things for the past two days, and I’ve lost a pound in the process. I wasn’t thinking about my weight on Wednesday. I simply wanted the pain to stop. God showed me that doing the right thing is the simple solution for both heartburn and heartbreak.

I had to laugh when I thought of Paul in Romans 7:19 last night. I decided to eat a little chocolate before heading to bed, and I immediately regretted that decision.

“For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.”

Maybe writing that little verse a few hundred times will help me remember to stick to the good list when it comes to my tummy and my heart 🙂

 

 

 

 

Prone to Wonder

The second saying in the Gospel of Thomas resonates with my heart because I am, always have been, and pray I always will be, prone to wonder.

“Jesus said: He who seeks, let him not cease seeking until he finds; and when he finds he will be troubled, and when he is troubled he will be amazed, and he will reign over the All.”

Wonder does, indeed, lead me into the troubling waters of confusion where God finds and takes me to a place I never could have found on my own. The Holy Spirit ignites wonder in my heart and stills my heart so I can hear the answers God has for me. His answers are never the ones I expect, but He patiently helps me see that He knows what I do not. I have also been prone to wander off when I don’t like or understand those answers, but He is faithful to bring me back to where He is. Wandering is part of the wondering process, and I’ve done more than my share.

Questioning and wondering are two very different processes. As wondering increases, questioning decreases. My faith grows when I understand that I don’t have to understand. It is the most difficult lesson I’ve had to learn because it required a shift in control. Wanting what I want destroys wonder because selfish searching leaves no room for wide-eyed wonder. Learning focuses upon getting as I question, but it is about receiving when I wonder.

There is a world of difference between getting what I want and receiving what God wants for me. He will let me live in either world because He will not force His love or His desires on me. I am learning to pray for His will and way and for the desires of His heart to become mine. I have also been ending my prayers with the plea, “Please don’t give me what I want dear God; give me what you want for me.” That simple prayer is changing me and filling me with wonder when I don’t see the way as clearly as I would like to see it. I know He has wonderful plans in mind, and I’m beginning to see that not knowing leads to the sweet amazement Jesus has in store.

Weigh Me Down

An Anxious Heart-kevinmartineau.ca

Nothing feels better than weight lifted or pounds lost. It’s much easier to accumulate worries and weight than it is to get rid of them, so it is amazing when God lifts a tremendous weight. I’ve always allowed people and circumstances to weigh me down, but I’ve finally learned on Saturday that peace cannot be purchased at any price. It is, however, freely given if I will only let God have His way with my heart.

There have been many changes in my life over the past two years, and I’ve gained twelve pounds in the transition. Food fills and soothes my soul, but it leaves my body miserable. God helped me see that added weight is a side effect of allowing my heart to be weighed down. What’s going on in my heart will express itself in my body. A pound of fat contains seven miles of blood vessels, so each pound puts a terrible burden on my heart. Added fat literally steals my energy. When I have less energy, I eat more; and the endless cycle of weight gain begins.

One minute of frustration has the same effect on my emotional health as an extra pound of fat has on my physical body. Last week, I let others to rob me of my joy and deplete my energy. That got in the way of enjoying my beautiful family and my amazing new home. God made it clear on Saturday night that extra weight of any kind is my choice. He will not lift weight while I hanging on to it. There is a certain safety in weight, but there is no satisfaction.

God never adds weight; He lifts it. Jesus makes that clear in Mathew 11:28-30:

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (NASB)

It’s bad enough when I let the world get me down, but it’s inexcusable when I think God is the One putting the added weight on my heart. God sent His only Son to lift the burden of sin from my heart; how could I possibly think He would take that burden and replace it with another.

During our church service yesterday, we were asked to write down the dream we had for our children. That was very easy for me to do. I only want one thing for my son; I want him to know he is loved. God smiled when I wrote down my answer and reminded me that was the only thing He desired for me. I looked over at my son writing down his dream for his two precious girls and smiled too. I don’t know what he wrote, but I’m sure it had to do with love and not stuff.

Love lifts as nothing else can, and that’s why God sent His precious Son’s love. He knew it was what His weighed down children needed. This Mother’s Day was the best ever because my heart was as light as it’s ever been. Tyler’s unconditional love lifts my heart beautifully. Now, I just have to work on my hips!! He used to be a physical trainer, so maybe he will help me with that too 🙂

Tyler and Me 5-10-15

Back on Track

Running with a heavy overcoat isn’t the best way to travel; but I have a hard time laying aside encumbrances and staying untangled. Holy Week is always difficult, but the pain has been overwhelming this week. Christ’s passion is more than I can comprehend, and it breaks my heart to think of His suffering. Hebrews 12:1-3 helped me change my focus and get my heart back on track.

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (NASB)

I was lost in the weariness of the world this week, but God put these scriptures in the path to remind me to lighten my load and run the race He has set before me. Christ saw the joy set before Him, and knowing that joy allowed Him to endure the cross, despise the shame, endure the hostility, and end up at the right hand of His Father. He did it all so I could share that joy with Him.

I cannot run the race Christ ran, and thinking I have to is what makes Holy Week weigh me down each year. I can, however, run the race specifically designed for my heart by One who knows me better than I know myself. No one is able to run my race for me, but sharing the joy and pain found on my journey humbles and fills my heart with wonder. That was a powerful part of the learning this week. If I try to run Christ’s race, carry His load, or carry my burdens alone, I will quickly become entangled and encumbered. I came to a place of quitting this week, but God bid me to get up, keep going, and trust Him.

Good Friday is the perfect day to fix my eyes on Jesus. He is, and always will be the author and perfecter of faith. If I keep my focus upon Him, I will find the love, joy, and peace I was missing this week. Encumbrances will continue to entangle as long as I am in this world, but I can keep my balance and run the race with endurance if I remember I am never alone.

Walking Together

Leftover Lies

Lies lead my heart in the wrong direction and keep me from the good God has planned. The lies I tell myself are leftovers from long ago; my sisters call them tapes and tell me to stop replaying them. I did stop playing them a few years ago, but I still hold on to them. As I prayed last night, God bid me to give them to Him. I asked Him to help me hear them as the lies they are and give me truth to replace them.

God reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (NLT) 

The first lie God showed me is also the biggest one. It is the mother of all the lies in my life. I tell myself I am not worthy of love and believe the lie. Jeremiah speaks the truth about God and His love for me. He knows my heart better than anyone, and He knows His hope for my future is hidden beneath my leftover lies. Like my furniture, I can move those lies without help. I need God, and He is ready and waiting to take those lies off my heart.

Giving Him those lies sounds simply enough, but it’s like cutting out a part of my soul. My identity has rested upon those lies, and I’m afraid I won’t know who I am without them. Lent is about change and growth; it is a time for new beginnings. Lent leads my heart toward the greatest change the earth has ever known. The power that raised Christ from the grave is beneath the pile of lies that began forming in my heart the moment I was born. I’m not sure how many lies God will show me, but my sincere prayer is that I will hear each of them as I heard this one, in His loving voice instead of the voices from my past.

God put my leftover lie in the form of a question. “Do you truly believe you are not worthy of My love?”

Coming from Him in that form, I knew the answer immediately. “Of course not!”

“Then get that lie out of your heart and put My truth in its place.”

I felt a deep sense of relief without feeling the need to rehash the past. It wasn’t true. Like the clothes that do not suit or fit me anymore, it went in the stack of things I’m not taking with me to my new home. I am worthy of God’s love, and I am worthy of the love He wants for me. His plans are filled with hope, but He can’t carry them out until I let Him take the trash out of my heart. I’m a believer in recycling and reusing, but when it comes to these hateful leftover lies, I want them gone for good!

Living Word

The WordWe give words life when we utter, whisper, or shout them out. Some say there is no such thing as an original thought, and I understand what they mean. Words and thoughts may be the same, but each of us has our own unique way of expressing words and thoughts. God’s Word is an expression of His love, which comes alive as nothing else can when read with an open heart. John explains beautifully at the beginning of his gospel.

In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. (NASB John 1:1-5)

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son. (NASB John 1:14)

God’s Word literally became human, and it comes alive each time I turn to it. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I can hear and experience God’s love. Just as David wondered how God could think about a mere mortal like me, I wonder even more how He could speak to me. Without the Holy Spirit, God’s Word turns into a battleground or a fairy tale. With His help, it becomes a wellspring of living water that connects me to the Source of all love.

There are folks who say the Bible is not a very loving book. That’s true if I pick passages out of context and use them to promote my agenda or prove my point. When I see the Word and Christ as one in the same, I approach it with respect and familiarity. Christ fulfilled the scriptures and gave access to God’s unfailing love. When I absorb that truth, the Word of God becomes more than a battering ram. It becomes part of me as I read it and let it sink deeply into my being.

Christ was the Word before the world came into existence, and He will be the Word long after this world is gone. He was, is, and always will be the Light that dispels darkness. I choose whether to embrace His Light or turn it off. If I open His Word with an open heart, His Holy Spirit will help me find the love that has been, is, and will always be waiting for me.

September Sunset

September Sunset

 

The sunsets of late have been spectacular as September makes her exit in style. Her departure comes as God bids me to end my old testament. It’s human nature to want to stay in the familiar, albeit painful, past; but staying there keeps me from writing my new story.

The lesson this week has been for me to put away the old songs and stories that no longer apply to my heart. I’ve been mired in the muddy mess of my childhood for over five decades, and God is ready for me to move on. He brought cleansing tears that opened my eyes and cleared my heart last night. I saw myself in the role a victim and began sinking into that muddy water that almost drowned me as a child.

My old story is my old story. It explains and enlightens, but it isn’t who I am anymore. Satan continues to dredge up past hurt, and I continue to find those in my path who will repeat old patterns. God made it clear that the difference between my old and new story is the fact that I had no choice as a child. I do have a choice now. I must make the conscious decision to learn from and leave my past behind me.

September has always been an important month in my life. School started in September, and I loved going to school. The summer before my first September in school, I almost drowned in the muddy water in Lake Hickory, and I’ve been struggling to get out ever since. My journey almost ended that summer, but school offered an escape. I still remember the thrill of walking home from school with my sister Linda my first week of school. I was only five and small for my age, so my teachers made quite a fuss over me. My sister and I had matching red plaid kilts, and I still remember how much I loved wearing mine. I was a big girl, and I was going to school! I also remember wearing the kilt my sister wore six years later in seventh grade.  I’m still wearing a kilt woven five decades ago, and it’s even more inappropriate than the hand-me-down one I wore in seventh grade. I’m ready for a change!

Kilt or no kilt, that same feeling of excitement accompanied me to school every fall for fifty years. A big part of my decision to go into teaching was my love for school and for fall. I got a new beginning every year, and I could escape the outside world within the walls of my safe haven. School was always place of escape for me, and September has been a time of endings and beginnings. It’s fitting for God to use this month as a backdrop for the change He has in mind for my heart.

Fall is a time of dying, and death accompanies both endings and beginnings. The victim in me died last night, and I know God will use her death as an important transition to His transformation. It’s time for a new story, one that is rooted in the past but routed in Christ’s precious love.

Tears of a Clown

Robin Williams
The world lost one of its greatest comedians when Robin Williams lost his battle with depression today. My heart hurt when I heard the news, and I thought back to a song that touched my heart back in 1967. “Tears of a Clown” was a number one hit in both the US and England. I could relate to the lyrics and sang it at least a thousand times while in high school. I still find myself singing it when the world gets me down.

In case you aren’t familiar with the song, here are the lyrics written by Smokey Robinson to go with music scored by Stevie Wonder.

“Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that’s quite a different subject
But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I’m sad, oh I’m sadder than sad
You’re gone and I’m hurtin’ so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there’s some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there’s no one around
Uh hum, oh yeah baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It’s only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you
Decided to go, oh I need you so
I’m hurt and I want you to know
But for others I put on a show, ooh yeah

{repeat CHORUS}

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the public eye
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there’s a smile on my face
Don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don’t let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don’t care
When really I’m sad…I’m hurting so bad…”

Like Pagliacci, the cheers of the world encourage me to hide my hurt and forget my pain. I didn’t know Robin Williams personally, but I spent countless hours laughing with him. The mention of his name made me grin, and his movies made me laugh out loud each time I watched them. I hope I will continue to enjoy his incredible work, but I can’t help but cry tonight as I think of the pain he endured while keeping us laughing.

It’s not easy to keep the world happy, especially when your heart is broken. We all pretend to be glad when we are sad at some point in our lives, but for some it is a never-ending battle. I spent far too much of my life putting on a happy face and ended up missing a great deal because of it. I’m learning it’s best to be real and let people see my tears. When I do, I find that hurt is part of everyone’s journey. I’m learning to cry out to and with others, and it’s changing my heart.

There is truly nothing sadder than the tears of a clown, especially when those tears flood the soul and stop the heart. I have known deep sadness in my life, and I’ve considered death as an escape twice. I thank God that I did not end up drowning in my sorrow either time. I’m learning to let others know when I’m hurting or tired or need a hand. Having loving friends and family who hear my heart and love me as I am makes all the difference. I wish that were true for all who face deep sadness or battle depression. I pray I will look more deeply into the hearts of those I love and look more closely into their eyes to see if there is a tear hiding behind their smile.

Catching the Wind

Ecclesiastes 1:14 says, “I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind.” Those verses might sound discouraging, and they are if I try to capture God or catch the wind. I love Ecclesiastes, and this verse is especially comforting. That may sound strange, but it touched my heart in a beautiful way this week and helped me see that my striving is in vain. It is as futile to chase after God as it is to attempt to catch the wind. Neither will be captured or held. Both are present in powerful ways, but I cannot hold either in my hands.

Like the wind, God comes to me when I stop what I’m doing and be intently still. When I do that, both capture me. The Holy Spirit is beautiful wind that comes when I cry out or when I hold out my arms in love. Breath and spirit are the same, and that is never more obvious than when I am without the Spirit. Sometimes, my busyness causes me to miss the spirit and the wind. I rush here and there and end up winded rather than filled.

Lately, I’ve had trouble breathing because of mold. Our hot, rainy summer has left me struggling with a heavy feeling in my lungs. I don’t like not being able to breathe freely, but it reminds me not to take breath for granted. The best things in life come to me when I stop chasing them. That’s true when it comes to love and to breathing. If I think about breathing or panic when it becomes difficult, I end up making it much worse. The same is true when it comes to God. Relaxing and letting His Spirit flow through and around me, loosens up my heart and makes room for His love to grow unfettered in my life.

God and the wind will not be fettered, but that doesn’t keep me from trying. I learn in the striving and often find myself letting out a deep sigh of release when my energy is expended. I suppose it’s human nature to struggle, but God’s nature isn’t like mine at all. His nature is love, and love cannot be captured or contained. Love is like wind, and chasing it is vanity. The beautifully reassuring message is that it will come to me when I stop trying to catch it. 

Image from http://www.free-hdwallpapers.com/wallpaper/abstract/whisper-of-the-wind/11354
Image from http://www.free-hdwallpapers.com/wallpaper/abstract/whisper-of-the-wind/11354

The Why in Witness

Witnessing is much more effective when it’s worry free. I’ve worried my entire life about what others think, and I still feel a twinge of hurt when others don’t respond as I want. In the past, I’ve worried about witnessing because I’ve seen it as winning people over. It’s what I’d always been taught. Winning folks over to Christianity or leading them to the Lord usually involves much effort and results more in wearing down or wearing out than winning over.

I’ve struggled with who, when, where, and what when it comes to witnessing, but the only thing that matters is why. Witness is not a process or a game, even though many keep a running tab of their conquests. Stories glorify the teller and sound more like a mini inquisitions or a personal crusades than a loving connections. The end result is a string of badges on a sash hung proudly around the neck.

Witness is about letting God open a door to conversation and relationship, and it doesn’t have anything to do with adding anyone to a roll, a list, or my personal merit badge sash. With the help of God, dear friends, and two faithful pastors, I’ve come to understand witness in a new light. Christ doesn’t pressure or instill fear as a witness to God’s love. He loves God in front of me, and loves me as I’ve never been loved before. The only tools required for witnessing are knowing and loving God with a depth that makes everyone want everyone to know and love Him too, understanding that it is always God’s work and never mine, and letting go of the need to please others. The why in witness is love, and I do understand that. I witness because I love God and others. Telling others that God’s love is for them is very personal and cannot be done on the fly. 

I was at the grocery store this morning having a pleasant conversation with a wonderful young man I taught in middle school. A rude man standing near enough to hear our conversation felt the need to interrupt and do his witness bit for the day. I was telling Cody, who is working very hard with his family to open a new restaurant in town, that nothing is harder than working for yourself. This obnoxious man said, in a very hateful tone, “Working for God is a lot harder! You should try it some time.” We looked at each other in shock and shook our heads as the man continued to spout out venom in God’s name as he walked away. I suppose he told his friends that he was out in the wicked world witnessing today. Cody loves God dearly as do I, but this man didn’t stop long enough to find that out about either of us. It’s like folks who leave tracts or flyers instead of tips when they are in a restaurant. Let me tell you something, that is not a good witness to God. A pleasant attitude, a caring conversation, or a very nice tip are much more effective when it comes to witnessing. Good intentions surely do lead down a terrible path.

If not careful, churches can become exclusive clubs, organizations, or even very close knit families when the work is theirs and not God’s. Christ included all and left the doors open for folks to enter or leave as they wished. He knew they needed to stay near to Him, but He also knew that it must be their choice. Without the right connections, His body would become His fan club or His country club. The living, breathing, loving body of Christ is not an organization. Knowing that changes the way I witness. I only have to love God and let Him open the doors of positive and healthy connection. That’s not difficult at all.

Witnessing the way I was witnessed to today is hard work, and I feel very sorry for the man who felt compelled to tell Cody and me that we should try working for God for a change. So thankful I know that isn’t the way God feels, but it’s sad to think that there are those who have his attitude who consider themselves to be God’s witnesses. I’m thankful Cody and I know and love God and shudder to think what someone would think of God if they heard about Him from someone like the man who crossed my path today. It breaks my heart, and I know it must break God’s. God gave a clear example of a fly by witness without any love. I’ll remember that fellow the next time God opens a door for me.