Tag: love

Stop and Ask For Directions

Yesterday would have been my fortieth wedding anniversary if I hadn’t found the courage to leave. I needed courage to admit I was wrong and accept that God never has, and never will, sanction marriages that are not of His doing. Before I went through the ceremony forty years ago, I knew with all my heart that it wasn’t what God wanted. It wasn’t what I wanted either, but I believed it was something I had to do. Two wrongs never made a right, but I thought God expected me to correct my mistake. Marriage seemed the logical way for me to do that and maintain my pride at the same time. I know how silly that sounds now, thank goodness. I didn’t listen to God and went with my plans rather than admit I was wrong, swallow my pride, accept God’s forgiveness, and move forward.

I thank God for giving me a beautiful son and cannot imagine life without him. God brings beauty and love out of my wrong turns. I am most amazed by that characteristic of my Creator. He knows I am going off in the wrong direction and will not stop me, but He will use the circumstances in my life to continue to teach and draw me near.  The rub is that the lessons change and are always more difficult when I insist on having my way. My problem is not being able to admit I am wrong. Admitting I’m wrong is the point when I veer off the path. Like those who stubbornly refuse to stop for directions, I pretend I know where I’m going and don’t need help. Repentance is simply knowing I’m heading in the wrong direction and making a turn in the right direction. It took thirty years for me to realize that two wrongs don’t lead to the right path! God wants me on the road and in the field living life and loving Him, myself, and others. As long as I wander in circles waiting for those two wrongs to add up to a right, I will not arrive at the destination God has in mind for me.

I’ve always allowed others to define me rather than looking to God who created me to tell me who I am. The most beautiful way He does that is to first show me Who He is. I have come to know Him as a loving Father, a waiting Groom, and a dear Friend, I see the Trinity as a beautiful Three in One. God wants the best for me, and  that involves becoming one with Him. Staying in a bad relationship limits God. He is all powerful, but He will allow me to limit Him. That is what confounds and frightens me the most about Him. I get to choose whether or not to let Him has His way in my life. He will take my bad choices and redirect my path; GPS will do the same when I get off course. The big difference is that GPS can be inaccurate, but God is always right when it comes to direction.

Until I let go of my pride and let Him lead, I can’t find His way.  I know in my heart that I will get where He wants me to go if I will simply stop doubting and start trusting Him to forgive me for my bad choices and help me start making good ones. He said He will direct my path if I will only acknowledge Him in all things, and I believe Him. The key to being on the right path is to stop making wrong turns and stop to ask God for directions:)

Better Plans:)

I was very excited yesterday about my plans to take Lillyann to lunch and shop for a special birthday present for Mylah. We were going to the Cork & Bean for a crepe and then search for the perfect big sister gift. I could tell on the ride to my house that she was less than enthusiastic about my plans, but I decided to give her time to warm up to them. I knew she’d come around to my way of thinking.

As we neared town, I asked if she wanted to shop first. She said she wanted to play at my house first, so we headed up the hill. She wanted to play with her doctor kit, so we started putting together the doctor’s office and hospital. I got dishtowels for our blankets, and we went to work getting everything ready. I enjoyed watching as she slipped easily into her role. She decided we would have a special wing for butterflies, so we rearranged and went in search of more butterflies. Not difficult in my home:) She looked at me while she was fixing lunch for the patients and said she didn’t want to go to a restaurant to eat.

I usually have plenty of food on hand, but my refrigerator was bare. She was so sincere and sweet about it, so I asked what she wanted. She said mashed potatoes! I did have potatoes in the bin and decided that I could round up a meal if that’s what she really wanted. There’s a payoff for every choice, so I told her that I would have to go in the kitchen to cook while she played by herself for a little while. She said that was okay and added that she wanted to make something for Mylah. I told her that was a great idea and got some things together so she could work at the kitchen table while I prepared lunch. She made a sweet little noise maker with an orange Gatorade mix container and some little smooth river stones. She made designs with a blue sharpie, and I grinned as I watched her attention to the task at hand. She also made two beautiful cards with more drawing and lots of stickers. We may not have been playing together, but we were chatting away while we shared the same space. It was so sweet to listen to her talking about how much Mylah was going to like her present. My heart was as warm as it’s ever been!

As we enjoyed a simple, but wonderful, lunch of lima beans, carrots, mashed potatoes, cornbread, and cherry-berry tea, I had to smile. I told her as we ate that she had some very good ideas when it came to lunch and the present for Mylah. She just smiled and said proudly, “Yeah!” You would think I might suggest the homemade gift after my lesson on gifts, but I needed a sweet reminder. Lillyann gave me just that yesterday as I remembered that it’s the time together that makes a meal special, and it’s the love that makes the present perfect. So thankful for my little mentor! I can’t wait to see and hear Mylah play with the present from her big sister.

After her nap, she wrapped the present with a little help and put it and the cards in a pink bag. I loved watching her proudly hold the gift and comment that it wasn’t too heavy. She was so proud, and I don’t imagine that shopping trip would have produced the same feeling as the little homemade gift. We rushed home so she could head to the movies and see Nemo with mommy and daddy while I played with Mylah. When they returned home, Mylah was beside herself with joy. I know Lillyann gets tired of having to share things with her little sister, but I also know that she loves it when Mylah squeals with delight when she sees her. I’m just glad I have a front row seat and get to see it all. Lillyann certainly had better plans than I did. I’m glad I came around to her way of thinking:)

Beautiful Mosaic

My soul a quiet pond

The Spirit settles

Allowing me to see

Beneath the surface.

Faces become clearer

Rising to the top

Different but connected

All a part of me.

The Right Gift

Mylah’s first birthday is Sunday, so I was shopping for her gifts yesterday. Gifts are important, and I don’t take them lightly when they are given to me or when I give them. Those I know well know what delights me, and I know the same about them. I don’t always know ahead of time, but I know the right gift when I see it. Along with a willingness to search, I must be mindful when God puts the right gift into my path.

Gifts which involve giving yourself are the very best ones. When I was just beginning my journey and had very little money, I would give coupons to friends that could be redeemed for house cleaning, cakes, babysitting, or some other act of love. Acts of love are the always the right gift. I loved fulfilling the promises on those coupons as they were redeemed, so the gift gave back to me. Now that I have more resources, I buy gifts and sometimes give cash. I go backwards in regard to gift giving when I trade time for money. Time is always the right gift and something we have far too little of when it comes to those we love. No gift is greater than time.

My most cherished gifts are those made with love. I still have the sweet Mother’s Day gifts Tyler made for me when he was young. The little clothes pin butterfly and popsicle stick heart are on my refrigerator to remind me each day that the love that went into them is still in them now. I treasure them and would grab them should a disaster cause me to have to evacuate. The perfect gift usually surprises me when I find it as much as it surprises the one who receives it. Those are the ones I let God pick out. I’m still surprised when a gift He selects is just the right one. I know He knows what He’s doing, but I love that it still delights me each time He reminds me. I believe it also delights Him:)

I hope Mylah likes the gifts I found for her. I can’t tell you what they are because that would ruin the surprise. Actually, she wouldn’t find out or even know the difference, but I still want her to be the first one to see them. The beauty of babies is that they love whatever you give them. I could put something I’ve already given her in a box, and she would squeal with delight when she opened it:) I could put nothing in a box, and she would delight in opening it. I love that about children; the older I get, the more I’m getting to be like them. In fact, my memory is such that you could actually wrap up something I already have, and it truly would be a surprise! One of the joys of growing older:)

Giving something that you’ve already given reminds me of a special Christmas when I did just that for Tyler. He was away for his first year of college, so money was tight. I got some new things for him, but I really didn’t have the resources to get much other than the necessities. It seemed sad that he wasn’t going to have a fun present, so I decided to go to the attic and get all his favorite toys out of hiding. As I cleaned GI Joe sets and Ninja Turtles, I smiled and thought of all the fun he and his friends had with them. The remote control car needed charging before I could run it around the house, so I charged the battery and polished it up. The toys kept coming, and I enjoyed each building set and action figure as they reminded me of different legs of the beautiful journey he and I share. Ernie and Freddie Bear took me back to the beginning of his sweet life, and I cried tears of joy as I thought of Ernie waiting for him when he came home for the first time, and Freddie Bear arriving on his first Christmas in Hickory. I was also reminded of the beautiful gift God gave me when Tyler came into my life. Watching Tyler play with all his old toys was the best gift that year and avoiding that remote control car was icing on the cake!

Lillyann and Mylah still play with Ernie, Bambi, Lion, and Freddie Bear; and I use Tyler’s little blankets and pillow with them. Lillyann knows to be very careful with those special toys and loves to hear how daddy loved them. The right gift is the one that is still around decades after it is given. What makes it the right gift is the fact that love not only went into it but also stayed in it. I have to admit that I still go get Ernie, Freddie Bear or a little blanket when I need a hug. I also sometimes sleep with mama’s prayer shawl, a sweet gift my sister gave me after mama died. I cherish the love it represents, and it comforts me in a special way when I wrap it around me.

My home would never be on a design show because my decor consists of gifts that are special to me. They may not match or fit a certain theme, but as I see them all around me, I feel the love they represent and find comfort in each. Experts would surely rid the rooms of all those precious gifts if I gave them license to do so and would even consider them clutter. I know better and plan to leave them just where they are because they reflect my heart and bring love and joy into my home.  I hope little Mylah enjoys her gifts, but I hope more that she feels the love that went into them.

I can’t think of gifts without acknowledging the most perfect gift ever, and that is the love Christ brought down on the very first Christmas. He laid down His life in the single greatest act of love ever, and He did it just for me. God’s love, Christ’s grace, and the Holy Spirit’s peace are gifts I cherish more than all others combined. They are gifts that are unique in that once you truly get them, you cannot help but give them away. The more you give them away, the more you have them. They also last forever and can never be snatched away. Now, if that isn’t the perfect gift, I don’t know what is:)

Transparency Makes Me Vulnerable

The vulnerability honesty creates is humbling, but the freedom that results can only come from the humility true honesty and love make possible. It’s the kind of honesty and love God desires and opens me in ways I am only just learning to appreciate. Honesty and love have always gone together. When I love honestly, I become transparent and open to those I love. People are not always going to accept that love, and transparency isn’t for everyone. But it’s worth the risk of not being loved to find the kind of love that comes when you find someone who hears and understands your heart. The beauty of loving God is that He has always loved me and is simply waiting for me to accept that love. His love is deeper than my heart can understand on its own, but Christ bridges that gap and allows me to experience God’s love and walk in His kingdom now.

To prepare me for the level of love He desires, God first shows me the deepest part of my own heart and allows me to see what He sees. That includes all that is keeping me from loving Him and others as He desires as well as all that He created me to be. Seeing and understanding His love for me fills me with hope and grounds my heart so I am able to experience the fullness and the cleansing that creates the transparency that comes when I let go of myself and praise Him. That praise releases my spirit and allows it to flow with His.

The plate God fashions in my heart is clean and clear and ready to hold His fare and not my own. The transparent nature of love lets me, God, and others see me more clearly. It’s what being known is all about, and I must come to that place before I am able to truly know God. Knowing He is God is the point of the journey because when I know Him, I cannot help but love Him. The same is true as I come to truly know myself and others through honest communion which makes walking in His kingdom possible now. I am perfected by His love as He becomes closer than my very breath and understands me as none other.

The beauty of God is that He knows me completely and still loves me completely. The same is true of friends with whom I share honest communion and transparent love. I can relax in His presence and in theirs. Why God, the Creator, would care whether or not I love Him is the biggest mystery of this journey. I know He does, and that changes everything. Can I even begin to walk in God’s kingdom in the presence of such love. Of course I can’t, not alone. The amazing news is that I can walk in it with the help of the Holy Spirit. God’s love for me, Christ’s amazing grace, and the Spirit’s loving presence enable me to not only live and walk in God’s kingdom now, but to also love in it.

I wish I could say that I stay on the right path all the time, but I can’t. I fall victim to fear’s tight clasp far too often, and worries fuel fear’s fires and leave me consumed at times. I can say honesty that I’m getting better at recognizing that fear is fake and of my own design while God is real and causes fear to flee. In the presence of God’s love, it has no choice but to do so. Christ purchased my inheritance at a very high price, and it cannot be taken from me. I can, however, forget that I have it.

I cannot get where God desires for me to be as long as I fall victim to fear and allow my insecurity to block the path. I must remember that I’m not alone on this journey. Christ is always waiting with arms extended and ready to love honestly and help me do the same. Transparency makes me vulnerable, but it brings me near to One who transforms vulnerability into the openness that gives God free reign with my heart.

A Changed Heart

Repentance turns my heart in God’s direction. Metanoia does the same for my mind and is the first step in letting God change my heart. Metanoia isn’t possible without God any more than a clean heart is. I have tried to find my way to the change God has in mind for me but have been frustrated by my inability to get where only He can take me. I shouldn’t be surprised that it took so long to come to a place of peace because I’ve taken the long way around my entire life.

When I took Lillyann home yesterday, Gina had given Matza and Cookie a bath and cleaned the house.  Matza is a short and very stocky English Bulldog, and Cookie is a long and very lean English Pointer. They are as different looking as any two dogs can be, but they are kindred spirits and best friends. I had to smile as I looked at the cute odd couple that fill their home with love and laughter and have won my heart as well. I told Gina how wonderful they and the house looked and laughed as I added for a few minutes anyway:)  Houses, children, and dogs get very dirty very quickly.  All require constant attention and cleaning. I know that about houses, children, and dogs but God reminded me today that the same principle applies to my heart and mind.

As Rita and I hiked in the downpour this morning, the sweet rain soaked me and cleansed beautifully. There is nothing that compares to rainwater for the skin and the hair, and mama told me that she and her sisters would collect it a large barrel to use for washing their hair. We decided to laugh and enjoy the shower, and it felt amazing. There is a sweet fragrance that follows the rain, and Rita noticed it as the sun came out and we were finishing our walk. A favorite song of mine compares that fragrance to the name of Jesus, and I couldn’t agree more.  His presence was obvious as we walked this morning. I felt Him in the sunshine, rain, and the sweet fragrance after the rain. His love cleanses and clears my heart to bring about the changes He desires.  Like the downpour this morning, there is sometimes no where to go and no place to hide. I’ve had that feeling this week as God has bid me to write. I’m glad I went with His flow, which has felt a lot like that downpour this morning.

God brought my heart into the open, and His living water washed like that cleansing rain. Both were just what I needed, just when I needed them.  I love that about Him:) The field cannot bear fruit without a little rain, and neither can my heart. I’m soaked, and it feels great!

This message What’s In Your Heart from last week touched my heart and was, like the rain, just what I needed, just when I needed it.  It helped me let God have His way with my heart this week, and I’m so very thankful I did. I pray it blesses you as much as it continues to bless me as I allow God to cleanse and change my heart as only He can.

Left Alone

God takes my weakness and turns it into strength if I trust Him to do what He does best-the impossible! My greatest weakness has always been my need for approval. As long as I can remember, I’ve tried to make up for the fact that daddy was disappointed in me. My life revolved around my need to be loved, and I tried to please others rather than God. That took a toll on my heart, my body, and my spirit; it kept me from receiving what God haa in mind, and left me alone.   

If I were to write the story of my love life, it would be called Left Alone. In focusing upon pleasing and gaining approval, I’ve given my heart to those who won’t, don’t, or can’t love me the way my heart and God desire. I’ve never loved as God desires because my heart hasn’t been where it needed to be. Loving Christ was a right choice in my love life, but I turned from His love for a long time because I knew He didn’t approve of the mess I had gotten my heart into.

As long as I focus on doing everything for everyone else, I don’t have to face my own weaknesses. It’s easier to be a suffering saint than let God deal with my demons because I have to admit I have them before I can ask Him to help me get rid of them. I have to be humbled, and God will take it from there. The problem is the humbling that allows me to face them and Him. 

My choices in regard to love have been about avoiding rejection. If someone will not, does not, or cannot love me, I don’t have to worry about losing them because I never really have them.  It is far easier to just fix and help because loving involves hurting. That’s something I learned early in life, but God has brought me to a place of healing. I’ve learned that while love does involves hurting deeply, the joy it brings is well worth the risk. God will show me the love He has in mind if I keep my eyes and heart on Him and follow His Son’s beautiful example. 

It is far easier to please people than to sincerely and purposefully love them. It is so simple to let fear keep me from risking rejection or worry make me wonder about the response or the lack of it that comes when I open my heart. I’ve looked for love and acceptance in many places and even seen them as the same thing at times. Love accepts me the way I am and doesn’t expect anything of me except to share a loving presence. I can do just that if I trust God to know what He is doing when it comes to love. I know that makes Him smile and say “Trust me. I know what I’m doing. I am love after all.”

Can I Get a Witness?

This message from Isaiah 6 touches and heals my heart in a deep way.  The Call For a Witness wasn’t what I was expecting, and I found myself humbled by it. God gives me the space to fall apart, and that’s a big part of answering the call to be His witness. I have to fall apart to get to the place where God can use me. I must confess that my way is, as the message says so powerfully, “bankrupt.”

When I hear God and truly understand, He helps me see where my life can use a little change and helps me bring about that change. That enables me to not only accept, but tell others of His grace, love, and forgiveness. Answering God’s call requires that I give up my plans and get rid of my need for approval. It goes against my nature, but it reveals His glory in a way that is better than anything I can do on my own. There is “holy hope” when I let go of my need to be in charge and allow Him to take me where I cannot go without Him and do what only He can do through me.

Black Eyes and Broken Hearts

Lillyann and Mylah both got their first black eye within a week of one another.  Both involved difficult lessons, as do all black eyes.  Little Mylah was first and learned that a slick round metal surface does not provide the same grip as a solid wooden one. She grabbed the pole on her bouncy station and whirled around and down to the floor.  She was shocked, I’m sure, to learn too late that she didn’t have the support she expected. Lessons learned the hard way stick with us, especially when accompanied by a black eye! She’s too little to notice her black eye or feel embarrassment, and her injury wasn’t as severe as her big sister’s. So I imagine she didn’t think much more about it except to learn not to use the bouncy bar for support in the future.

Lillyann’s accident was far worse and left a real shiner under her left eye.  She put her legs through the legs of a kitchen stool and found that gravity can be a painful thing as the top of the stool hit her square in the eye.  There is particular pain in that area, and it always leaves a mark when you’re whacked there! The mark remains as a reminder and serves to humble as folks just have to know how it happened. It hurts our pride to have to relive embarrassing moments over and over until all is faded and forgotten.

Fist fights normally leave such a mark, and it is seen by some as a purple badge of courage:)  Lillyann certainly didn’t think that about her eye, and I got the impression that she was embarrassed by the whole affair and would rather not discuss it. I dropped the subject because I know just how she feels. I don’t recall ever literally having a black eye, but I’ve had more than my share of lessons that humble. You find out who your true friends are; they are the ones that wait for you to tell them the story and don’t ask if you don’t tell.

A black eye sets the stage for a good story and makes us the center of attention whether we want to be or not.  When did you get it? How did it happen? What does the other guy look like? Those questions start a tall tale that embellishes the truth and ends differently depending upon who’s doing the narrating. Boys seemed to sport the injury more often than girls, but I don’t have any proof of that.  However, Tom’s Guide for Gadgets does report this: “But did you know that boys playing with their Wii are more likely to be injured than girls? Patrick O’Toole, Robert Miller and John Flynn did a study as part of their work for the division of Orthopedics at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia found that boys accounted for 49 out of the 92 motion-control-related injuries.”

Playing and living involve injury, and I suppose the more I’m willing to put myself into either, the more likely I am to get a black eye or a broken heart. God’s call for witnesses involves getting out into the world, getting a black eye, getting humbled, and getting right back out and doing it all over again. The same is true for love except you end up with a broken heart rather than a black eye. The trouble with a broken heart is that it can be easily hidden. I know the girls will have many spills as they learn what does and doesn’t work when it comes to holding on and climbing, and I know one day they will have the same spills and lessons when it comes to love. I hope they keep on grabbing and climbing and loving anyway.

The best stories, no matter who is telling them, come from those who get black eyes and broken hearts. If I never have either, then I’m not living or loving. When those injuries come from doing something silly, stories are replaced by prayers that no one saw it happen!  Black eyes and broken hearts are part of life, and lessons that humble will continue as long as I reach out, grab on, and try to make a connection. It’s best to be like we are at Mylah’s age and learn quickly, forget as quickly, and then move on.  The more I nurse my hurt, the more it hurts. Being able to laugh at my mistakes is icing on the cake and makes for a much better journey.  I learned early in life to laugh along with everyone else when I make those goofy mistakes. That is far easier to do with a black eye than with a broken heart, but you have to be willing to learn and laugh from both. Black eyes and broken hearts heal, and lessons learned from them help me navigate the next leg of my journey.  Laughter makes the sting of the humbling at little less painful, and the journey a lot more enjoyable. Having friends who cry and laugh with me along the way is just God showing off.