Category: Change

Rain + Sunshine = A Beautiful Sunset

As I watched the sunset last night, I was taken aback by the changes occurring right before my eyes.  I took several photos but they were not even a glimpse of the glory unfolding as I watched with a wonder that allowed me to see God’s love in the moment. His love is always present, but sometimes, it unfolds like a sunset after a rainy day. His love is never the same, never what I expect, but always just what I need. The tragic death of an eleven-year-old girl in our community reminded me this morning that lives, like sunsets, are subject to change at any given moment.

Like a sunset, clouds create a more profound beauty than a clear horizon. The sun interacts with the moisture in the clouds just as God’s love interacts with the tears of His beloved children. Without the tears, life would be a series of sunrises and sunsets that all looked alike.  I thank God for the clouds and the tears because they create a delicate beauty that can never be replicated or captured. Suffering creates a beauty in a wounded heart that cannot be described, only shared with another wounded heart. There are never words to adequately describe the pain of suffering or the joy of healing, but Psalm 30:5 gives the reassurance I need when clouds come into my life. “Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.” NASB The old saying about a red sky at night being a sailor’s delight also applies to my heart. When the storm clouds leave, the evening sky comes to life. God clears away the heaviness and brings a deeper joy than I can imagine to my heart if I wait upon Him. Just as I could not capture the beauty of the sunset last night, I cannot describe the joy that comes when my broken heart finds healing.

Life can change for the good or in a tragic way at any given moment, and that makes me look at life in a new light. The glass doors and windows of my bedroom open out to a western horizon that takes my breath away with sunsets that set the sky on fire. Yesterday, as I was driving home, I noticed a house that had closed blinds on all the windows. I wondered how anyone could live shut up in such a house, and then I remembered that I shut my heart off the very same way for much of my life. My curtains and my heart are open now, but the breathtaking views from my room go unnoticed when I’m too busy to stop, and love slips away if I don’t have time to connect as God desires.  Hearts and windows must to be open to the sunshine and the rain if I want to see sunsets that come when the two come together. It is truly a glimpse of what is yet to come.

Sunshine + Rain = Amazing Sunset

Happy First Anniversary to Me :)

Happy first anniversary of blogging to me! The year has been filled to the brim with lessons that have taken me out of my comfort zone and pushed me beyond what I thought possible. I marvel at how God has taken my desire to share my journey with my sweet grandbabies and turned it into something so much more. In my thirty-three years of teaching, I was constantly telling my students to write about their lives because no one else could write their autobiographies. I journaled my pain, but I never found the courage to write my own story until a dear friend encouraged me to write for Lillyann. Audience makes all the difference when it comes to writing, and I was suddenly motivated to tell the truth with love so she, and now Mylah, could hear Gigi’s heart.

Life and love are about hearing one another’s heart, and that has been the biggest lesson I’ve learned as I’ve brought my story into the open. It’s a lot like taking off my clothes in front of a large group of people, and I almost didn’t do it. I put it off until God made it clear that I needed it even more than my little granddaughters. Telling my story has opened my heart in a way that I could never have imagined a year ago. I thought it would be easy to blog about my life, but that has not been the case at all. For those of you who write and share your stories, you know exactly what I mean. Writing takes a toll on the heart, and I’ve always known that. In my classroom, I had photos of famous authors all around the room. I thought it was important for my students to see the face of the person who wrote the literature we were reading.

One day, a middle school student asked me very seriously if all the authors on the wall had sad life stories. I was cautious how I answered that question because I wanted my students to be encouraged to write, but I also wanted to be honest. I told him that many of the authors did have tragic lives; I saw a teachable moment and knew I needed to be honest. I love middle school students because they are so very real and know the pain that brings into their own lives. I told my students that writing takes a willingness to let others see your pain and feel your hurt, and that takes a toll on the heart and the soul. It isn’t for the weak and takes more courage than anything else in this world. I didn’t tell them that was why I avoided real writing like the plague. I wasn’t ready to reveal that much to them. I wish I could have been a better example in that regard.

They understood as only middle schoolers can, and I’m sure many of them saw my own cowardice. They didn’t call me on it, so that means they either didn’t notice my fear or they understood and respected it. I do remember wishing I was as brave as those faces looking down from the wall that day. I have thought about that question many times and find great irony in the fact that I taught writing yet didn’t write. I see now that my passion came from the fact that I could not do what I so wanted them to be able to do. Like a prisoner pleading for those on the outside to enjoy the open air, I was pleading with them to do what I could not bring myself to do. I was fifty-seven before I found the courage to write as I knew I should and fifty-nine before I found the courage to share my writing with others. I would say late is better than never, but I know timing is much more complicated than that.

I know the importance of readiness when it comes to learning, and the teacher in me knows that my heart wasn’t ready to write or admit that I couldn’t in that classroom long ago. God used my passionate desire to write to encourage my students to write. He really does make all things work together for good. He was writing His story on my heart all along, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. The most difficult critic to get past when writing is self, and I imagine that’s true for all writers. A year ago today, I struggled with sending my first post. I know I read it a hundred times and cried almost as many times before finding the courage to take my clothes off in front of the world and say here I am. I smile when I read that now because my heart has truly come home, and I love myself in a way I never believed possible. I marvel at how God works, and I thank Him and all who have given me the courage to open my heart and be who He created me to be.

Here’s my first post. Lessons in Love

Lessons in Love
Lessons in Love

Tagging Along or Out in Front?

In “My Utmost for His Highest,” Oswald Chambers gives a beautiful description of the new life that comes from the rebirth Christ promises. “The new life manifests itself in conscious repentance and unconscious holiness.” Jesus tells Nicodemus, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” (John 3:3 NASB)

 The biggest misconception when it comes to Christianity is that rebirth happens automatically. Nothing could be further from the truth. I did not choose to be born the first time around, but rebirth requires a conscious decision on my part. Repentance that leads to rebirth requires obedience that causes me to die to self so I can see God in a new light. Just as a baby coming through the birth canal is blinded by the light of this world, my heart is also overwhelmed by the light of God’s kingdom during the process of rebirth.

In God’s kingdom, He is more than a father, protector, guide, and teacher. He is the Ruler He has been, is, and always will be. Seeing God in the light of His kingdom changes the way I see myself and His world. Without rebirth, I simply bid God to join me on my journey instead of being led on His. There is a world of difference, and entering His kingdom makes that crystal clear. He will never leave me alone, but He will not tag along after me. I found myself lost, alone, and at the end of my hope when I realized the path I was traveling was quickly unraveling toward me. Sometimes a new direction isn’t an option; such was the case with my heart.

While God will not tag along behind me, He has been, is, and always will be present on my journey. When I die to self, I’m ready to be led. He lifted me off the unraveling path I was traveling and set me down in the woods where we had a very special connection long ago. It was a time of beautiful rebirth, and I was nineteen once again. Trips down the birth canal are always traumatic because they take me from the familiar into the unknown. It is a fearful trip, but hearing mama’s voice at the other end calmed and soothed my frightened heart the first time. I remember vividly how Tyler’s crying stopped the moment he heard my voice. God’s comforting voice at the end of that rebirth canal had the same effect upon me.

I’m not sure what God has in mind for the next leg of this incredible journey, but I do know Who will be out front and who will be tagging along as we travel.

A Walk in the Woods

As the Fawn

One of my favorite songs is “As the Deer” by Martin J. Mystrom. The inspiration for the beautiful song comes from Psalm 42:1 “As the deer pants for the water brooks,
 So my soul pants for You, O God.” NASB

I do thirst for God. When I find myself spiritually dry, I know it’s time to get back to that sweet stream of living water Christ provides for me. God took the familiar image to a different level yesterday as I drove down the mountain to go to aerobics class. I saw a doe crossing the road, so I stopped my car and watched as a sweet little fawn hurried to catch up with her. I realized it was time for me to do the same. It’s been a tough week filled with difficult lessons that hurt my heart deeply. Those are the lessons I try to avoid, but God is a persistent and patient teacher who waits for me to be ready to hear what He has to say to my heart.

The lessons were varied, but the theme was the same all week. As Reverend Barber reminded me at the rally on Monday, it’s simply about doing what’s right. That varies when it comes to political issues, but it is clear with God. Learning to love as He desires is not an easy task. Just when I think I have it figured out, I realize how little I know. Loving God is easier when I stay close to Him., so I have to be like that little fawn when it comes to following if I want to find the peace His presence provides.

I had a particularly bad day yesterday, but the little parade at the bottom of the mountain was just what I needed to redirect my focus. I stopped looking at my troubles and started looking at God’s love for me. Aerobics with friends and a hot shower helped get rid of any remaining kinks, and I began to see light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be tunnels and rain in life, especially if I decide to love. Opening my heart lets in pain as well as joy, but that’s preferable to an empty heart. 

Hopefully, the image of the little fawn running after her mama will help me follow in a way that keeps me from getting too far off the path. Sometimes I just have to stop and be reassured like the little fellow in this photo:)

As the Fawn

Mountain Moral Monday

As I joined in the Mountain Moral Monday protest yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the crowd of nearly 10,000 people gathered to show concern for all that is happening in North Carolina. I have to admit that I am guilty of not keeping up with all that is going on in Raleigh, so I’m as responsible as the lawmakers who are having their way with this state.

I have never been ashamed to be from North Carolina, and I always have been and will continue to be very proud to say that I taught in the North Carolina public schools for thirty-three years. I love teaching and I love North Carolina, so I thank God for allowing me to be part of the education of thousands of beautiful young people. I’m sorry to say that I have been shaking my head in disbelief and shame lately at all that is being done to harm this state that once was a leader in the field of education.

I couldn’t help but ask myself what former governor Jim Hunt must think about the travesty playing out in Raleigh. I know his heart is breaking as he watches all his hard work going right down the drain. Bad things happen when good people do nothing, and I am glad to be part of a movement to say enough is enough. It was nice to feel pride for my state again as I watched in wonder at all the people in Pack Square.

I was very proud to stand right behind Reverend Barber during his press conference yesterday. I was taking part in history, and I want Lillyann and Mylah to know that I did it for them. I agree that true conservative Christians want to make sure love is conserved for future generations.

All Things Work Together

All Things Work Together

As we sang the beautiful song “Your Love Never Fails” by Chris Quilala yesterday during our worship service, the words touched my heart in a powerful way. Romans 8:28 wraps around me in a way that transforms my heart. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” NASB

The song captures those words in a way that makes my heart want to sing for joy. Several beautiful verses come together in the song. Psalm 30:5 has always been a favorite, and the reassurance it brings is beyond compare. “For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.” NASB

Look at the lyrics and listen to the song and see for yourself.

Nothing can separate

Even if I ran away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

But You have new mercies for me everyday

Your love never fails

Chorus:

You stay the same through the ages

Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage

I don’t have to be afraid

Because I know that You love me

Your love never fails

Verse 2:

The wind is strong and the water’s deep

But I’m not alone here in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide

I never thought I’d reach the other side

But Your love never fails

Bridge:

You make all things work together for my good

God makes all things work together for my good, and that puts all things into His perspective and out of mine.

For those who are keep up, I’ve lost three pounds and two inches in two days. I feel great and plan to enjoy the side effects:)

Clearing & Clarity

The scales say I’m down two pounds, but my heart and head say I’ve lost even more. I haven’t fasted in a very long time, so I forgot the clarity that clearing food from the table brings. I didn’t fast yesterday, but I did eat considerably less than I normally do. A beautiful side effect was that what I did eat was delicious. I imagine my taste buds had become numb with all the food I was eating because I never allowed myself to be truly hungry. I mentioned that yesterday, and I see it as the heart of the lessons God has for me this week.

Clarity comes from clearing away, and it was just what my heart and body needed. I am surprised by the satisfaction and the clarity that allows my heart and mind to be more focused upon God. My prayers are different, and I find they are even more powerful than when I fast. When fasting, I think of food and the fact that I am very hungry. That makes my prayers more fervent and gives a sense of sacrifice, but I like the feeling of having time and focus much better. That gives greater intimacy which is what God and I both desire.

So often, with God and in conversations with others, there is a rushed feeling that keeps intimacy at bay. Clarity is lost because my heart and mind are divided. I love having time to stop and enjoy both the food and the conversations God places in my path. Both make me feel lighter in spirit. Clearing the path makes traveling so much easier, and I would say that’s what the Garcinia Cambogia did for me yesterday.  I can also feel a difference in the way my clothes are fitting, so I’d say the results are great.  A day can make a big difference, and I look forward to seeing what’s yet to come.

image from Sitkins International
image from Sitkins International

Satiety and Satisfaction

I began using Garcinia Cambogia today in an effort to lose some weight around my middle. I have to say it’s been a great day filled with lots of things other than food. I ate far less than I regularly do and exercised more. I also did more and had time left over to relax. Thinking about, preparing, and eating food obviously took up a lot of my time, but I never really felt satisfied. Food was also a source of comfort and entertainment. I’ve entertained myself in a different way today and enjoyed not thinking about food.

I’m not sure what results I’ll see, but I do know that I like having my mind free to think about other things. Satiety is defined as “the quality or state of being fed or gratified to or beyond capacity” and is something I rarely feel. I’ve felt it all day today, and it’s been amazing. My father once told me that I was born hungry and would most likely die hungry. Mama made a point to feed me every time my mouth opened when I was a newborn, and I picked right up where she left off when I got big enough to feed myself.

I distinctly remember eating five meals a day as a child. I ate heartily at breakfast, lunch, after school, dinner, and before bedtime every single day. I also ate in between those times, so it’s a wonder I wasn’t obese. I weighed a steady 110 pounds from the time I was in high school until I got married at 21. I gained ten pounds but then went back to 115. When I went into labor with my son Tyler, I weighed a whopping 152 pounds. I left the hospital weighing 122. I remember thinking I was a beached whale. Funny how perspective changes:)

Yesterday, I weighed 150 when I got out of bed. I decided it was time to do something since I wasn’t nine months pregnant. I also have been feeling heavy, and that makes me tired and unable to do what I want to do. I’ve never been one to diet, and I’m still not one to diet. I was intrigued, as I know many have been, with the information coming out about Garcinia Cambogia. I have a friend who’s been taking it for a while without a noticeable change in weight, but I thought I’d give it a try and see if my insatiable appetite might be curbed.

It’s not fun to not be satisfied, and that applies to more than food. God reminded me this morning to be satisfied with what He provides, and I have to agree with Him. Hunger is designed to make sure I eat enough to keep my body going, but I never allow myself to get hungry. I have to say that I have not been the least bit hungry all day, and I’ve eaten at least half, if not less, than I normally eat. It will be interesting to see what happens:)

My Garcinia Cambogia guarantees satisfaction or I get my money back. Life doesn’t offer the same guarantee, but God does promise that He is God and does know what He’s doing. That’s a promise that helps me stop hungering for what I want and be satisfied completely with what He gives.

image from The Art of Satisfaction
image from The Art of Satisfaction

New Heart, New Song

I can’t sing a new song until I get the old ones out of my heart, so I wasn’t surprised when God put the Four Tops and “It’s the Same Old Song” in my path this week. I used to love that song, and that’s exactly the point of the lesson God had for me. “Used to” is the key phrase in the song and His message.

My old love songs say I’m not worthy when it comes to love, and I believed them far too long. I lived up to their lyrics and let my heart linger in a loveless limbo believing love was for others and not for me. God shows me otherwise and bids me to throw out those outdated eight-track tapes and download His beautiful new songs.

Musicals and seventies songs have reminded me how easily songs can get stuck in my head and my heart, but Psalm 96 bids me to sing a new song. Old songs have to take on a different meaning before I can let them go. God tunes my heart to sing His songs and love as He desires. I know I’m loved, and that makes my heart want to sing.

Listening to old songs isn’t a bad thing, and I have favorites that bless me over and over. Letting lost love define me is a bad thing, and pining away for what never was mine is worse. God bids me to see myself in His light and listen to His love songs. No one captures God’s heart more than David; he was a man after God’s own heart, and it shows in the songs he sang. There are happy and sad songs when it comes to love, but dwelling on the ‘can’t have’ or ‘don’t deserve’ leaves my heart stuck in a rut that gets deeper and deeper each time I listen.

Singing a new song requires letting God’s lyrics lead when it comes to love. I learned this week that I still equate love with pleasing and doing. Love is about delighting and being. Love changes everything, and being loved gives my heart the courage to move a little closer to God, love myself, and love others as God desires.

God used humor and music to teach important lessons, and the truth honestly spoken opened the doors of my heart in a way that allowed me to toss my old tapes and start downloading new ones. Old love songs can make me swoon and cry or grin and shake my head. It was nice to smile, shake my head, and realize I am not who I used to be. I could see God grin and say, “That’s my girl!” It’s the reaction all parents have when our children begin to see themselves the way we do.

Photo from http://cincinnatiit.com/11/heart-music-clef
Image from http://cincinnatiit.com/11/heart-music-clef

The End of My Hope

I got to the end of my hope yesterday and was feeling sorry for myself because it became clear in my heart that God wasn’t going to give me what I wanted. He quickly brought me back to my senses by gently reminding me that what He has provided, is providing, and will continue to provide is what’s best for me. God is love and knows me better than I know myself, but I continue to hang on to my hope. I suppose it’s human nature to want what I want, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who sings the same song over and over again in hopes that God will change His mind and come over to my way of thinking.

I’ve always loved the expression, “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on,” so when I got to the end of my hope, I tied a knot in my heart, and held on for dear life. It’s easy to spot someone who’s at the end of their hope because they are always trying to convince everyone they are right. I’ve been trying to convince God and myself that what I want is best, but neither of us is buying it. The trouble with hanging on to an actual rope is that my arms wear out very quickly because they are in an awkward and unnatural position. The same is true for my heart when I stubbornly hold on to my hope. It ties my heart in knots and leaves me hanging hopelessly between what I want and what God has for me.

God placed Psalm 96:1-6 in my path to help me see my heart’s need for a new song. I have always loved the beautiful song, and it helped me let go of my hope and fall into God’s loving arms. It was healing to feel the knots in my heart slowly come undone and relax in His Hope. God’s Hope is in His Son’s precious love, and there is no holding on involved with it. I simply have to let go and let Christ do the holding.

I’ve always been one to think I had to do and carry or fix and fuse when it comes to love. God showed me with His sweet psalm that my heart is designed to sing to Him. When I do that, my hope is an unraveling rope allowing my heart to let go and lift up a new song of thanksgiving and praise. I’ve never held on to a real rope for more than a few minutes, but I vividly remember climbing a rope in high school P.E. class. It was the worst ten minutes of my young life. My heart had been holding on much longer and hurt far worse than my arms did when climbing that big rope up to the gym ceiling.

I suppose it’s appropriate that I climbed that rope in gym class back in the sixties and my heart finally let go of my hope in my sixties. I remember the sweet relief when I finally passed the rope test in P.E. I wanted to shout and sing and dance with joy! I suppose that was the point of the rope test I dreaded for an entire year before actually passing it. I felt a thousand times more relieved when I decided to let go of my hope and let God’s love untie the knots in my heart. It made me want to dance and sing a new song!

“Sing to the Lord a new song;
Sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, bless His name;
Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day.
Tell of His glory among the nations,
His wonderful deeds among all the peoples.
For great is the Lord and greatly to be praised;
He is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are idols,
But the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before Him,
Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary.” Psalm 96:1 NASB

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