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Beautiful Mosaic

My soul a quiet pond

The Spirit settles

Allowing me to see

Beneath the surface.

Faces become clearer

Rising to the top

Different but connected

All a part of me.

The Right Gift

Mylah’s first birthday is Sunday, so I was shopping for her gifts yesterday. Gifts are important, and I don’t take them lightly when they are given to me or when I give them. Those I know well know what delights me, and I know the same about them. I don’t always know ahead of time, but I know the right gift when I see it. Along with a willingness to search, I must be mindful when God puts the right gift into my path.

Gifts which involve giving yourself are the very best ones. When I was just beginning my journey and had very little money, I would give coupons to friends that could be redeemed for house cleaning, cakes, babysitting, or some other act of love. Acts of love are the always the right gift. I loved fulfilling the promises on those coupons as they were redeemed, so the gift gave back to me. Now that I have more resources, I buy gifts and sometimes give cash. I go backwards in regard to gift giving when I trade time for money. Time is always the right gift and something we have far too little of when it comes to those we love. No gift is greater than time.

My most cherished gifts are those made with love. I still have the sweet Mother’s Day gifts Tyler made for me when he was young. The little clothes pin butterfly and popsicle stick heart are on my refrigerator to remind me each day that the love that went into them is still in them now. I treasure them and would grab them should a disaster cause me to have to evacuate. The perfect gift usually surprises me when I find it as much as it surprises the one who receives it. Those are the ones I let God pick out. I’m still surprised when a gift He selects is just the right one. I know He knows what He’s doing, but I love that it still delights me each time He reminds me. I believe it also delights Him:)

I hope Mylah likes the gifts I found for her. I can’t tell you what they are because that would ruin the surprise. Actually, she wouldn’t find out or even know the difference, but I still want her to be the first one to see them. The beauty of babies is that they love whatever you give them. I could put something I’ve already given her in a box, and she would squeal with delight when she opened it:) I could put nothing in a box, and she would delight in opening it. I love that about children; the older I get, the more I’m getting to be like them. In fact, my memory is such that you could actually wrap up something I already have, and it truly would be a surprise! One of the joys of growing older:)

Giving something that you’ve already given reminds me of a special Christmas when I did just that for Tyler. He was away for his first year of college, so money was tight. I got some new things for him, but I really didn’t have the resources to get much other than the necessities. It seemed sad that he wasn’t going to have a fun present, so I decided to go to the attic and get all his favorite toys out of hiding. As I cleaned GI Joe sets and Ninja Turtles, I smiled and thought of all the fun he and his friends had with them. The remote control car needed charging before I could run it around the house, so I charged the battery and polished it up. The toys kept coming, and I enjoyed each building set and action figure as they reminded me of different legs of the beautiful journey he and I share. Ernie and Freddie Bear took me back to the beginning of his sweet life, and I cried tears of joy as I thought of Ernie waiting for him when he came home for the first time, and Freddie Bear arriving on his first Christmas in Hickory. I was also reminded of the beautiful gift God gave me when Tyler came into my life. Watching Tyler play with all his old toys was the best gift that year and avoiding that remote control car was icing on the cake!

Lillyann and Mylah still play with Ernie, Bambi, Lion, and Freddie Bear; and I use Tyler’s little blankets and pillow with them. Lillyann knows to be very careful with those special toys and loves to hear how daddy loved them. The right gift is the one that is still around decades after it is given. What makes it the right gift is the fact that love not only went into it but also stayed in it. I have to admit that I still go get Ernie, Freddie Bear or a little blanket when I need a hug. I also sometimes sleep with mama’s prayer shawl, a sweet gift my sister gave me after mama died. I cherish the love it represents, and it comforts me in a special way when I wrap it around me.

My home would never be on a design show because my decor consists of gifts that are special to me. They may not match or fit a certain theme, but as I see them all around me, I feel the love they represent and find comfort in each. Experts would surely rid the rooms of all those precious gifts if I gave them license to do so and would even consider them clutter. I know better and plan to leave them just where they are because they reflect my heart and bring love and joy into my home.  I hope little Mylah enjoys her gifts, but I hope more that she feels the love that went into them.

I can’t think of gifts without acknowledging the most perfect gift ever, and that is the love Christ brought down on the very first Christmas. He laid down His life in the single greatest act of love ever, and He did it just for me. God’s love, Christ’s grace, and the Holy Spirit’s peace are gifts I cherish more than all others combined. They are gifts that are unique in that once you truly get them, you cannot help but give them away. The more you give them away, the more you have them. They also last forever and can never be snatched away. Now, if that isn’t the perfect gift, I don’t know what is:)

Taking Stock and Letting Go

Letting go requires that I first take stock. Until I know what’s in me, I can’t begin to get rid of what no longer belongs. The junk I discard distracts and keeps me from being who God desires for me to be. I heard someone say on Oprah years ago that the best thing you can let go of is the belief that things could have been different.  At first, I thought that was ludicrous, but the more I thought about it, the more I had to agree. Letting go of that notion clears a vast amount of room in my heart. Empty space is just what God needs, but it makes me feel exposed and uncomfortable. It’s not easy to clear and clean when it comes to my heart or my closets!

I sometimes watch “What Not to Wear” and see the pain that comes when closets are emptied and clothing is thrown in the trash. On the outside looking in, it seems a no-brainer to throw out the old and let the experts give you the money and the advice you need to have a completely new wardrobe and a new look. Even when I know the results will be better, letting go of what I find comfortable is never easy. On the show, trusting the hosts is the key. I have wondered if anyone ever says no. Again, fear causes me to miss so much, so I’m not sure I would be any more ready for the makeover than those on the show. The better question to ask myself is how many times do I refuse God’s offer to give me a new life. He offers life in His kingdom now, and He is God. Surely I can trust Him with my transformation.

I cleaned out closets and drawers yesterday, and I would love to have had Clinton and Stacy’s honest feedback as I decided what stayed and what went. Having someone help me see myself in a new light requires brutal honesty, but it helps me make changes that make a difference. The willingness to let go after taking stock is what causes the real change on the show and with me. The change I see in the eyes of those who have been transformed brings tears each time I watch the show. The faces of  those who loved and intervened is icing on the cake as they see the beautiful transformation. The most joyful part of this journey is seeing loved ones see themselves as I see them. It’s the same for God when I finally see in myself in His light.  Before that can happen with God, I have to face that frightening 360 degree mirror. My heart doesn’t fare any better than my body when I stand before it, but I come away ready to change. Knowing I have God’s help and loving friends who truly care makes the looking, taking stock, and letting go possible.

I took lots of things to charity yesterday and got closets and drawers cleared of all that was simply taking up space and getting in my way. I had things in my heart that needed clearing out as well, and that was much more difficult to identify and discard. God helped with all the cleaning and clearing I did yesterday. It really all boils down to realizing who I am and who I am not. All that I got rid of yesterday didn’t fit or wasn’t me. That was true for the closets and my heart:)

Hope

Hope is the spark that lingers

After the fire seems lost.

He remains there to remind me

To go on whatever the cost.

Though I am prone to forget Him

Until at last nothing remains.

He’s there waiting patiently

To ease my heartaches and pains.

Window of Opportunity

When I find myself in a situation where sin paralyzes me or I’m not where I should be, God gives me a window of opportunity to make a gracious exit. A dear friend and I were at a play one evening and decided to take the opportunity given. It was terrible production and physically uncomfortable to boot. When intermission finally arrived, we made a dash for the door and headed to the car. We both laughed out loud as we reveled in our freedom like two convicts who had just escaped from prison! God gives the chance for a gracious exit, but the window of opportunity closes quickly.  If I hesitate or mull it over, I miss the chance to get away.

God has given me many such windows, and I’ve ignored as many as I have taken. The most frightening thing about God is that He will let me go my way, ignore His advice, refuse His love, and miss the opportunity to get out of that window before it closes. My problem is that I insist on tarrying, questioning, and dragging my feet. I am happy to say I’m getting better at getting out when God bids me go. Fear is what causes me to miss the opening in the first place, and I’m learning that fear flees when faced with God. The closer I get to Him, the less fear gets in my way.

Windows of opportunity open both to let me escape from my mess and to allow me enter in to what God has in mind.  Fear keeps me from both windows and causes me to stay static and become stale. Stillness is not about doing nothing but rather about constant motion. The beauty of a still, pure spring is the motion taking place beneath the surface. Purity comes from movement, and it is the same with my heart. God wants me to keep moving and enjoy the journey. He also wants me to pay attention when He opens those windows and doors along the way. God doesn’t want me to miss the opportunities He places in my path, but He won’t decide for me. He knows that most opportunities only come around once in life, and the window I miss will change the course of my life and the course of the lives of those I love. I do not exist in a vacuum, and my choices make a difference in the world. I miss most windows because of inaction, which is a choice. In fact, inaction puts my choice in the hands of others. Making no decision is the worse decision I can make.

More Than Just a Walk:)

For over three years now, Rita and I have taken long walks in the woods. From our first walk, I knew I was with a kindred spirit and beautiful friend. Rita is so much more than family, she is an honest, loving companion who shares my journey at the deepest level. Our honest communion and true love for one another make a walk with her so much more than just a walk. It’s great exercise in beautiful surroundings, but sharing honestly and with love is the most important quality of those early morning excursions by the creek. As we walk and talk, I feel a connection that is rare, but possible, in this world.

Friends who hear my heart are my most valuable assets. They allow the transparency necessary to open my heart. It’s more than just a matter of confidentiality, it is true connection at the heart level that allows me to find the courage to be myself. It’s friendship that doesn’t judge or advise, just loves and listens. I’m a very wealthy woman when it comes to friends because I have several such friends who love, listen, hear my heart, and get me. The thing that sets Rita apart is the amount of time we spend together. Some weeks, we spend as much as eight hours walking and talking in the woods. Time is a precious commodity, and retirement gives both of us the luxury of having time to spend together. We also exercise together two additional nights and share a beautiful family.

Each time I see Rita, I delight in her! That’s what makes our friendship so special and our walks more than just walks. I don’t care if we’ve seen each other every day for a week or haven’t seen one another in two weeks, I have the same reaction. Delighting in one another is what God desires, and it makes life more than just a life. It makes a walk a sweet journey and helps me live a life, as Pastor John says, worth living forever:)

Rita and I are often apart as travel and winter cause gaps in our time spent together. When we reconnect, we just pick right up where we left off as though no time has passed.  That’s self-differentiation at its best, and I love that most about our relationship. We are who we are and enjoy our time together. There is a natural flow to both our walks and our friendship. She has a very big heart and welcomed me right into it the very first time we met. She does that to a lot of folks, and I was saddened when she lost one of those dear friends recently. She loves with her whole heart, and so do I. I thank God for placing her in my path and don’t take a single step we take together for granted. Thanks to friends like Rita, I get to walk in God’s kingdom now and enjoy fellowship like that above:)

Transparency Makes Me Vulnerable

The vulnerability honesty creates is humbling, but the freedom that results can only come from the humility true honesty and love make possible. It’s the kind of honesty and love God desires and opens me in ways I am only just learning to appreciate. Honesty and love have always gone together. When I love honestly, I become transparent and open to those I love. People are not always going to accept that love, and transparency isn’t for everyone. But it’s worth the risk of not being loved to find the kind of love that comes when you find someone who hears and understands your heart. The beauty of loving God is that He has always loved me and is simply waiting for me to accept that love. His love is deeper than my heart can understand on its own, but Christ bridges that gap and allows me to experience God’s love and walk in His kingdom now.

To prepare me for the level of love He desires, God first shows me the deepest part of my own heart and allows me to see what He sees. That includes all that is keeping me from loving Him and others as He desires as well as all that He created me to be. Seeing and understanding His love for me fills me with hope and grounds my heart so I am able to experience the fullness and the cleansing that creates the transparency that comes when I let go of myself and praise Him. That praise releases my spirit and allows it to flow with His.

The plate God fashions in my heart is clean and clear and ready to hold His fare and not my own. The transparent nature of love lets me, God, and others see me more clearly. It’s what being known is all about, and I must come to that place before I am able to truly know God. Knowing He is God is the point of the journey because when I know Him, I cannot help but love Him. The same is true as I come to truly know myself and others through honest communion which makes walking in His kingdom possible now. I am perfected by His love as He becomes closer than my very breath and understands me as none other.

The beauty of God is that He knows me completely and still loves me completely. The same is true of friends with whom I share honest communion and transparent love. I can relax in His presence and in theirs. Why God, the Creator, would care whether or not I love Him is the biggest mystery of this journey. I know He does, and that changes everything. Can I even begin to walk in God’s kingdom in the presence of such love. Of course I can’t, not alone. The amazing news is that I can walk in it with the help of the Holy Spirit. God’s love for me, Christ’s amazing grace, and the Spirit’s loving presence enable me to not only live and walk in God’s kingdom now, but to also love in it.

I wish I could say that I stay on the right path all the time, but I can’t. I fall victim to fear’s tight clasp far too often, and worries fuel fear’s fires and leave me consumed at times. I can say honesty that I’m getting better at recognizing that fear is fake and of my own design while God is real and causes fear to flee. In the presence of God’s love, it has no choice but to do so. Christ purchased my inheritance at a very high price, and it cannot be taken from me. I can, however, forget that I have it.

I cannot get where God desires for me to be as long as I fall victim to fear and allow my insecurity to block the path. I must remember that I’m not alone on this journey. Christ is always waiting with arms extended and ready to love honestly and help me do the same. Transparency makes me vulnerable, but it brings me near to One who transforms vulnerability into the openness that gives God free reign with my heart.

A Cleansing Flood

A cleansing flood

Purges self as

Spirit rushes through.

Carried by the current

No longer clinging

Finding comfort in letting go.

Babble On:)

Nothing excites me as much as God’s love unless it’s His grace. I just can’t help babbling on when it comes to how much I love Him, and that’s just what happened in Mark 7 after Jesus healed the man who couldn’t hear or speak. Folks just couldn’t be quiet. If only my faithfulness was as great as His grace, then miracles would be common place. My faith is often weak, and I limit God. If I would learn to have faith that He is who He has always been, then things would be much different in my life and in this world. I settle when I should dream. I give up when I should believe. I suppose that’s part of my need to be in charge and follow my plans. My lack of faith is, and always has been, the problem. My choices reflect my faith, and I pray they will lead me nearer to God and to those in my path as I tell my story of how He changed my heart and my mind and enabled me to babble on about His love and grace.  

When surrounded by those I love, I have the tendency to babble on as joy bubbles up inside me:) My dear friend Ethel is the same way, and so are Lillyann and Mylah. I love that about us:)  I have learned this week that it’s okay to babble on when I’m filled with love, and nothing makes me babble on the way Jesus does. He makes joy and peace bubble up in my soul, and I just can’t not talk about it. I know that’s improper grammar, but it’s true.  Like a babbling brook, I just can’t stop myself. The beautiful lesson this week is that I’m not sorry about that any more! I’ve always apologized for my enthusiasm and for babbling on, but I plan to stop that terrible habit immediately! It feels great to say that:)

I’ve always felt I needed to contain my excitement, but I’ve noticed that Ethel, Lilly and Mylah, don’t even try to put a lid on their enthusiasm, and I plan to follow their lead:)  I am learning to enjoy the love God places in my path. It’s very freeing to love with complete abandonment. It’s what children do and what God loves for me to do. Letting go of the need for approval puts babbling into perspective. I once believed I needed to stop my babbling and be quiet.  I even thought Out of Babble On might be a good title for my autobiography.  I would have to make sure Walter Brueggemann approved, but I think he would advise me to keep on babbling:) I don’t need to get out of Babble On, I need to enjoy the state of delight I feel when in the presence of those I love, especially God. Worrying about approval creates a strange tension that causes me to pause and to stammer as I think too much about what I am supposed to do. My sister Edie and I talked about just that yesterday. Walking on eggshells to avoid those in the path means I’m around the wrong folks. Those who truly love me let me be me. If I feel I have to be a certain way, say a certain thing, or do something in particular to please them, then that’s a sure sign that love is no where near.

Giving up the need for approval also changes the way I deal with response. I’ve worried far too much about what others think and how they will respond. I am learning that results and responses are God’s concern, not mine. I plan to leave them in His capable hands and enjoy the journey and delight in those I love. Love is not to be taken for granted or hidden away. It is a gift from God and should be treated as such. True love causes the delight I feel when I see those I love and when I am in God’s presence. I don’t worry about how He or they will respond any more, and that causes joy to bubble to the surface. I thank God for love that causes me to babble on. He knows better than anyone about that babbling because there is no one who brings out the Babble On in me more than He does:)