Category: Life

Seeking God

Seeking God is so much more than simply seeing Him; it is an endeavor to find His love and His will in my life and His world. God is love, and love has a very special quality. It connects as nothing else. When I look for and find God in those around me, I experience the beautiful connection love offers. It is what walking in God’s kingdom is all about. Seeking is intentional, active, and often painful, but it is well worth the effort when I find and embrace the love it brings.

Accepting God’s love allows it to flow through me.  I have several friends with whom I have a deep connection, and that blesses me as nothing else. My son and I have a sweet connection, and the love I have for him and his family connects us beautifully. If God is the center of a relationship, it will be a taste heaven. If I am separated from someone I love, it is a taste of hell. I need to feel both in order to understand God and myself more fully.

Seeking God’s kingdom seems simple enough, but it is far from easy. It requires a level of faith I am only beginning to understand and a level of honest communion that tests my trust. I know it is what God desires for me, and that gives me the courage me to keep on seeking. Courage and love walk hand-in-hand.

Finding God opens new doors but closes others. Repentance is about turning, and turning means a new direction. It isn’t easy to leave old habits, but when I realize they keep me from experiencing the joy that comes from obeying God, I can move forward and live the life God has in mind. Love is transformed and transforming as God has His way with my heart. All transformations involve demolition, and the process takes time and energy. Understanding my need for repentance is what makes seeking so difficult. The beautiful result makes me forget what I was like before, and that’s when I know I’m heading in the right direction:)

Tedious Trudge or Joyful Journey?

What’s the first thing you seek when you awake? If you’re like most, it’s a cup of coffee or something to eat. I like to linger in bed and talk to God before I start the day. My day is much better when I start it with Him. If I am worrying or whining, our time together isn’t time together at all. Worry makes it all about me, and that ruins the moment. The day goes from bad to worse. If I seek Him first thing in the morning and thank Him last thing in the evening, I find myself walking in His kingdom throughout the day.

Yesterday was a perfect example of being in His presence all day. I didn’t worry once, and God showed me how beautifully that affects my journey. Anytime I end up doing the children’s story, I know there is a lesson God is trying, without success, to teach me. I have the story today, and it’s about worry:) I’ve read and prayed over the scriptures for two weeks, and Pastor John shared the message God gave him about the powerful passage on seeking. I finally get it, and it is a transforming lesson indeed!

I hadn’t thought of the connection between worrying and seeking until John shared the message with me. Worry and trust are closely connected. If I worry, I don’t trust. If I trust, I don’t worry. It’s a simple message, but one with which I’ve struggled my entire life. Christ knows that worry causes me to miss God’s kingdom, and that makes life a tedious trudge instead of a joyful journey. God lets me decide which path to take, but He prefers I let go of worry and embrace the joy God’s kingdom has for me. Holding on to worry keeps me from seeking God’s kingdom; that makes me let go of worry as if it were a hot coal and seek God in a whole new way:)

Last night, I was getting my sparrow and lily ready for the story this morning,  and I was struck by the notion that worrying forces me to live life in a backward way. If I focus upon food, shelter, clothes, taking, making, getting, and doing, I don’t have time to seek God. Can you imagine what God’s world would look like if we all sought Him first? It would be His world and not ours. It would be His life and not mine. It would truly be “His kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven:)” That was part of the powerful lesson this week.

So why do I worry? I worry because I don’t trust God. It’s as simple as that, and God will not let me add any ‘if’s, and’s or but’s to that lesson. I have been known to take a perfectly wonderful lesson God teaches and add a little something to it, and that’s worse than worrying. That’s playing God, and it gets me into more trouble than not trusting Him. I’m humbled when I think of His patience with me and very thankful He sees me as a child learning to walk in His kingdom. Otherwise, I’d be in big trouble.

There is nothing worse than worry. It causes the past and future to invade my present. It makes me old, wrinkles my face, sours my stomach, disrupts my sleep, ruins my health, and keeps me from God’s presence. Wow, do I need any more convincing? I finally got God’s message on Thanksgiving day, and that was perfect timing on His part. Seeing Ali after seven years was icing on the cake yesterday. I told her she was my sticker this week, and what a wonderful blessing it was to hug her tightly and reconnect beautifully.

Worry causes me to look at the clock, think about the cost, wonder if I’m able, etc… Thanksgiving 2012 will go down as the week God put worry in its proper place-behind me! I pray I will remember the lessons from Matthew 6:25-33 as long as I live. I know I will as I seek Him in prayer, look to His Word, and see His world as He desires. God certainly did His part in making the lesson this week memorable, and I know if I will put Him in His proper place-in front of me, the journey will be a joy-filled walk in His kingdom that will help me draw nearer to Him and those He places in my path:)

Grace and Gravy:)

Thanksgiving breakfast was wonderful, as always. The hum of fellowship provides beautiful background music for the food that brings a flood of memories and sweet comfort. Wayne’s gravy is as close to mama’s as it gets, so I feel her sweet presence at the gathering. There’s just something about gravy that reminds me of grace. All the elements in a meal may be wonderfully prepared, but gravy that makes the meal special. God’s grace, like that wonderful gravy, covers all He so generously provides and leaves me feeling loved in a very special way.

Anytime I have grits and gravy together, which isn’t nearly often enough, I think of Evelyn Tooley Hunt’s poem “Mama is a Sunrise.”

“Mama Is a Sunrise”
by Evelyn Tooley Hunt

When she comes slip-footing through the door,
she kindles us
like lump coal lighted,
and we wake up glowing.
She puts a spark even in Papa’s eyes
and turns out all our darkness.

When she comes sweet-talking in the room,
she warms us
like grits and gravy,
and we rise up shining.
Even at nighttime Mama is a sunrise
that promises tomorrow and tomorrow.

I cannot read that poem without thinking of Mary Sue. Mama warmed me like grits and gravy every morning, and I thought of her today as I ate food lovingly prepared by those willing to get up a early and serve others. It’s what love is all about, and love is at the heart of grace and good gravy!

I don’t know or care if the streets of heaven are paved with gold, but I’m thinking the lakes are most likely filled with mama’s gravy. Grace and gravy have a lot in common, so I believe the connection can be made without offending any theologians. I know God would agree because He knows how gravy prepared with love makes a meal very special. He also knows His grace makes love special and warms my heart even more than mama’s grits and gravy:)

Be Tending:)

I’m looking forward to being with Mylah and Lillyann today. I don’t know what we will get into,  but I do know we will “be tending.” That’s what Lilly calls pretending, and she loves it! She interjects as we play that we are just “be tending,” and sometimes adds, “aren’t we?” if she needs clarification. I was thinking this morning that be tending with kids is as good as it gets. Adults are not as adept at be tending as are children, so I’m glad to have a wonderful mentor in Lillyann.

Adults prefer drama to be tending, and that is no fun at all. Be tending is all about playing, and drama is all about attention. It belongs on the stage, screen, and between the pages of great novels. Everyone loves a great leading lady, but no one likes a great drama queen.

There are a number of theories when it comes to what goes into the making of a drama queen. I agree with the ones that point to a narcissistic or substance abusing parent who pays little attention and requires a behavior to get to a crisis level before they even respond. Children learn that drama is the only way to get attention, and that can carry over into adult life. It’s like the little boy who cried wolf or an annoying car alarm; no one pays attention to either. We can turn off the TV, leave the theater, or close the book; but it isn’t that simple when drama enters everyday life.

Be tending is healthy, and I encourage Lillyann to be tend:) It is a safe way to explore the world and exercise the imagination. It is also a good opportunity to explain right and wrong. I have always had an overactive imagination. It offered escape as a child because I didn’t want any more attention. My sister once told me that I got all the attention in the house. I realize that was true. Mama smothered me and daddy took out his frustration on me, so I was looking for an escape.

I still have to make sure I don’t hide, run away, or let circumstances turn into drama. I have learned to ask God to redirect my thoughts when they get out of control. God will use my imagination and circumstances for good; Satan will abuse them and point to the nearest exit. The choice is mine, and that’s a powerful lesson.  The process requires lots of prayer and effort. When I find myself thinking the worst and playing out a tragedy in my head, I ask God to take over. The sooner I do that, the sooner I find peace.

God uses my vivid imagination to be tend with the girls and with what my dear friend describes as sacred imagination. That’s when I give my thoughts to God, and He uses them to teach me sweet lessons in love. It allows me to play with God in a beautiful way that isn’t “be tending” but walking in His kingdom now and eagerly anticipating His return. God can use all things for the good if I hand them over to Him. Satan would like for me to stay in tragedy mode, but God has makes it clear that life is a comedy. That doesn’t mean mean funny or without hurt in the world of theater or in life; it simply means all ends well. God promises a beautiful ending with Him in heaven, and He also promises to be with me always. Knowing that allows me to find the peace, joy, hope, and love God provides for the journey:)

The Right Setting

I was brought up to believe that women were inferior to men. In fact, my father had a saying, “Water is the second most destructive force in all of nature!” which begged the question, “What’s the first?” He would laugh and say, “Women!” He also had a list of occupations suitable for women. It included housewife, secretary, nurse, and teacher. I wonder at times how I came from childhood with any sanity! I suppose Pollyanna and Joan Rivers helped me wade through the muck.

The world has always struggled with a woman’s place, and I’ve wondered at the worry that is wasted over such nonsense. I know fear sits at the center of the worry, and I do wish that men and women could both see the importance of making God’s presence the priority rather than trying to find the proper setting for women or men. The right setting for men and women is at God’s feet. The jockeying for positions closer to the feet only hurt the work and take away from the worship.

If we look to Christ for our answers, He made it clear that the last would be first. Women were definitely forced into the background when He walked the earth. He had a different attitude that is obvious in all the gospels. He saw only the hearts of those around Him and didn’t divide. Christ brings oneness and unity that puts all of us in the proper setting.

When I saw the beautiful gold heart at the jewelers yesterday, I knew it was the right setting for my diamond. God used the rings to remind me that He wants the right setting for my heart, as well. My heart has been in wrong settings all my life, and I’ve put it on the shelf and left it hidden to protect it from further hurt. The beautiful lessons this week gave me the desire for a new setting. I can leave the diamond on a shelf and my heart hidden, then neither will be what God has in mind for them. I marvel at how God uses all things for my good:)

Hearts need to be loved, and diamonds should be worn. I love that I will soon have a beautiful reminder of that on my right hand:) The jeweler explained that the right setting is essential and the right placement even more important. He was very serious about his work, and I could hear God as he talked to me about wanting the setting to be just right before making the placement. I imagined God looking over me with the same concern. I could even see Him with a jeweler’s eyeglass looking deeply into my heart with the same excitement of the jeweler with whom I entrusted my diamond. I smiled and imagine the jeweler wondered what I was thinking. I was thinking it was such a relief to have someone else setting my diamond and even better to have God setting my heart:)

Ann Voskamp was part of the learning this week. Here’s a beautiful post from her that helped me see myself in God’s light.

The Song of the Women

What Did I Come Here For?

I had a list of things to do after Lillyann’s visit today, so I took her home and began my quest. I looked for my list after dropping her off and realized I had left it at home. I decided to relax and enjoy the day. It’s been a week filled with difficult lessons, so I let go and forgot about what I had planned. I headed to the jewelers because it was time to do something I had been trying to do for a decade. I had my engagement and wedding rings with me, and I was ready to let them go.

I went in but wasn’t sure the small town jeweler would be able to help me. When I asked about the transformation, the beautiful young lady helping me smiled and said it would not be a problem at all. The first design she showed me was absolutely perfect! God read my mind and my heart, and the beautiful gold heart design reflected the changes in my own heart and the lessons this week. Perfect, I’ll take it!

I don’t know anything about diamonds or settings, so I wasn’t thinking of size and fit as I fell in love with the sweet design. After explaining the process to me, the stone had to be measured to see if it would work. It was perfect! I couldn’t believe how quickly all was coming together and then I remembered that God was along. He was just showing off today. He often does that after tough lessons and brings sweet comfort just when I need it. He encourages me to keep learning, and the ring was a beautiful and unexpected example of just that.

When I left the jewelers, I decided to head to “Jack’s Mountain Home” and get a new Life is Good tee shirt.  I needed a new tee even though it wasn’t on my list. The ring wasn’t on the list either, and look how that turned out! The first shirt I saw was a pink one with “Hello Love” on the front. Perfect, I’ll take it! The day continued to get better as I went from one store to the next with no agenda and no list.

I looked at my list sitting next to the sofa when I got home. I hadn’t gotten a single item or done a single thing written on the sheet.  I may not have gotten the cute, cozy sleepwear, but I got something that did make my heart feel as warm and cozy as it’s ever felt. Lately, I find myself asking, “What did I come here for? Why did I walk in this room? Where was I heading?” more and more. The joy of growing older is that I am getting to the place where I smile, figure it must not have been important, and consider it another step in becoming vintage:)

Do You Want to Be Healed?

Love grows in open spaces and must have room to flow freely if it is to be what God designed it to be. Confinement, clutter, and clogs keep love from its natural course. A quiet spring is the image God always gives me when He is teaching me about love. He knows I am a visual learner and provides powerful examples that help me see His point. The stillness of a spring is due to the constant movement beneath the surface. The cleansing is continuous and provides pure, sweet water to those who come to drink.

Hearts, like springs, must provide a space for love to flow gently. My heart has been a waterfall and a babbling brook making lots of noise but never holding love as a spring holds water. The secret of a spring is that it doesn’t hold on. It is a beautiful irony that I am only beginning to understand. I’ve been blessed to have a very healthy body, and I’ve recently been reminded that isn’t a given. My serious illnesses has been within my heart, and God has taken my journey inward so He can provide the healing I need to live and love as He desires.

The heart’s journey sets the pace and the tone for life. Rather than dealing with my heart, I ignored the problems and focused upon that which I did well. That is, after all, what we are taught to do. Accentuate the positive:) So Pollyanna joined forces with the self-deprecating comedian in me, and my life became positively hilarious. I would put a smile there, but I know how very sad that combination is. Making others happy and causing them to laugh hid my hurting heart and helped me survive.

When Christ healed, He always asked the person if they wanted healing. I never noticed that until a few months ago when I was studying. In the process of healing my heart, He put the same question before me yesterday. It seems a silly question, but I learned that it is the most important question any of us will ever answer. I’ve been in unhealthy relationships all my life and have experienced the comfort of the known hurt. Yes, this is a bad situation, and I’m hurting; but I know what it is. I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. All were clear signs I didn’t wish to be healed, and that stopped me in my tracks yesterday. I do trust God; it’s me I didn’t trust. I was afraid to let go.

In order for my heart to heal, I have to be willing to step into the unknown. Christ understands the difficulty of letting go of the known. Children don’t report abuse because they don’t know what will happen when they do. Adults do the same. It boils down to the lesson I learned yesterday. I have to know that I am loved, I am lovable, and I matter before I can be healed. Letting go of hurt seems like a no brainer, but it is impossible when I don’t believe those three statements. They give me the courage to want to be healed.

Knowing I’m truly loved and lovable opens the way for love to move through my heart as water flows through that beautiful spring. Knowing I matter gives me the courage to tell Christ that I do wish to be healed and mean it. That allows God to do what He does best:)

Change of Heart:)

Change is never easy, but it is especially difficult when it comes to the heart. The closer the change gets, the more profound the effect. Those things at the center of my heart are held more tightly, so they have to be wrenched away to clear the path. God knows change involves pain. His plan for my salvation hurt Him to His very core. I am learning that when I put things into His perspective, I am both humbled and embarrassed by the comparison.

I have always been the last one to get the joke, especially if it was on me. I used to get angry with the battering of those jokes which are never funny, but I learned to laugh along and became adept at taking it to the next level. The comedian in me learned that self-deprecation gets a lot of laughs, so I beat everyone to the punch line and became a great clown.

The lessons this week have been tough ones, but ones I needed. The tendency to beat myself up is still very near the surface, and I have trouble discerning when I’ve crossed a line. I want to be who God created me to be. People who know and love me know how easily I’m hurt. Mama preached one lesson to me – I was going to be hurt because I wasn’t like everyone else. As I found myself questioning and crying this afternoon, I realized that I have to turn off that recording, along with the ones of daddy, and start listening to God’s voice.

I get so angry when I doubt myself, and God let me cry and worry for a while before interrupting this afternoon. He reminded me that I am His beloved daughter. He created me and knows what He is doing. He made it clear that He has had enough of my self-deprecation and doubting. The message was loud and clear and went right to my core. I am not like everyone else, and that’s exactly as it should be. That doesn’t give people the right to hurt me, and that goes double when it comes to me!

The lesson hit hard today, but I’m thankful because my heart needed jarring. The trouble with jarring is the spilling. I didn’t like what I saw because it wasn’t what I expected. God gave me a beautiful heart and expects me to see it as He sees it. The hard lesson today was that I still see myself as flawed. God showed me that my heart deserves the very best, and I am not damaged goods!! I’m learning that we all need to be loved, and we are all different. It is in those sweet differences that God can be seen most clearly.

I know mama was trying to keep me being hurt as she had been hurt, but I’m afraid her warnings simply made me see myself as damaged goods and caused me to flee from love. I am loved, and that message was brought home in a powerful way this week. I am loved. I am lovable, and I matter:) Thank you God; I needed to hear that!

Fighting Fires:)

I have the utmost respect for firefighters and cannot imagine what being one must entail. I don’t claim to know anything about that difficult calling, but I could relate as I tried, in vain, to put out a lot of little fires while keeping the girls last night:) I say that figuratively and with a smile because they reminded me of how a little spark can ignite a new fire just when I think I have things under control. If I take the please and appease approach to life, I better be prepared to fight fires!

I imagine a very important lesson in real firefighting must be to never assume all the sparks are out:) The girls had a very tough evening last night, and I did a terrible job of keeping them satisfied. I got one problem solved and another suddenly popped up. I realize today that trying to appease was my problem. It’s impossible in the best of situations and should never be my goal. As a mom, I know that; Gigi, however, is sorely tempted to please and appease. I am just learning that lesson in love, and God reminded me this morning that those lessons apply to grandbabies, as well. Ouch!

I know from experience that being a pleaser or appeaser isn’t even good for the moment, and I also know it will come back to bite me on the behind if not careful. My behind was sore on the drive home last night, and my pride was wadded up and whimpering on the floor. I felt like a complete failure when Tyler came in from a very long day to find a crying baby and a contrite big sister. I explained the problems and confessed my confusion in knowing any causes. I smiled as I said it must be me, but there was an element of truth in the statement that left me humbled.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, so I have a much clearer view this morning. I was a lot of the problem as I juggled two little girls’ wishes and wants and tried to make both happy. Mylah is going through the weaning process, so I literally couldn’t satisfy her wants. I just held her and offered love. Lillyann was still excited about a wonderful afternoon with her little friend, and she just couldn’t get her feet back on the ground. I wasn’t able to help either find satisfaction.

I love the way God uses all to teach and did a little whining and crying myself when I got home. I can relate to the sweet girls and to mommy and daddy who were tired and needed a little love themselves. As I watched them take one girl each and love on them, I thanked God for the sweet little family who fill my heart and teach me wonderful lessons in love. I know today will be a better day as I remember that pleasing and appeasing only offer temporary fixes. I plan to play, be present, and not start any fires myself:)

Still Ready

To be ready to do God’s will, my heart must be still. The human heart is never physically still, and the healthy heart will beat anywhere from 40 to 100 beats per minute depending upon age, size, condition and activity levels.  It is the strongest and most important muscle in my body. The stillness God requires isn’t about motion or muscle; it’s about focus and love.

Worry is the biggest obstacle when it comes to my heart being still. The Greek word translated as ‘worry’ in Matthew 6:25-33 means “split attention or divided concern.” That makes perfect sense when I think about my own tendency to worry. If I think about God and truly believe He is who He says He is, then my attention is no longer split. If I pray “Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done” with my whole heart, my concern is no longer divided. When I read the beautifully reassuring words from Matthew, my worry turns to stillness as faith replaces fear.

 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”NASB

What other words do I need? I am learning to read God’s Word with a stillness that centers my focus and so centers my heart and life. The stillness lasts as long as my focus:) I’m doing better in many ways, but I have a long way to go before I stay still. Perhaps that will only come when I am in heaven. When I experience the sweet stillness that comes when my focus is completely upon God, I get a tiny taste of what is to come. It’s more than enough to make me want more!

The world is great at grabbing my attention and taking it away from the sweet center Christ provides, and my concern is easily divided when I fall into the trap of listening to voices other than God’s. Knowing I can do nothing without Him and everything with Him reminds me to keep my focus upon Him and seek His kingdom and righteousness first, last, and always with a single-heartedness that will help me be still and know He is God. It also helps me to eagerly await His return in a way that helps His kingdom come and His will be done. That’s what walking in God’s kingdom is all about:)